How Grace Grows Power

I have always liked the image of the leader who exercises his or her power by helping other people learn to lead themselves. Some of the greatest teachers I have had have also been the most humble. Thomas Berry, a great theologian, who I was fortunate enough to dialogue with when I was writing my first book, Living With Vision: Reclaiming the Power of the Heart impressed me with his grace and humility, which only fortified his wisdom and his impact on me. When a leader puts a graceful foot forward, his/her message is most easy to receive and digest. Sadly, we have too many examples of heavy handed leadership, and the kind of power that is traded in a zero sum game. In this model of power, if I have more power, you have less. If you take up the lead, I am threatened, because I move down the ladder on the food chain. Heavy handed leadership disempowers in the long run, and sometimes in the short run. When power is infused with grace, if I have more power, I can use it to put wind underneath your wings and help you fly. If you fly, I can celebrate your movement and direction. And whether I take joy in having been part of your movement or simply take myself out of the equation and celebrate YOU, there is more joy, energy, possibility and power with the graceful hand. Power with grace is also power with heart. The heart has enough space to see and embrace people for who they are, what they have to offer, with a soul deep lens rather than a critical judge. Hearts do not operate from the zero sum game model. Instead, power with heart only grows more power. Like a plant shooting of a tendril, which can be planted in a new garden spot to create more life. Heart power nourishes and fertilizes. Heart power enlivens and promotes growth. And heart power, when grounded knows no bounds in the best kind of way, while also respecting our own internal boundaries and the boundaries of others. The natural world offers many examples of power with grace. If you sit under a large tree in the summer, you can feel the solidity of its trunk and the expanse of its branches, and also bask in the protection it offers you from the summer sun. The tree is quiet and needs no compensation for being there with and for you. It just is there. The tree offers power through being. Rocks also provide power with grace. Whether you sit on one by the ocean or lean your back against one in the woods, the rock, like the tree, is just there, and offers power through being. If we can learn to recognize that power can the expression of life force and passion arising from within, naturally, when we are connected and move from our hearts and souls, we can be purveyors of graceful power--a power that empowers, instead of takes away. May we learn from the great wise ones, whose humility is as notable as their words and actions. May we strive to cultivate and nurture graceful power from the inside out. The world will be transformed to a much safer, more joyful and sustainable place. Copyright 2013 Linda Marks

Efemination: A Female Parallel to Emasculation

When I started interviewing men for my book Healing the War Between the Genders: The Power of the Soul-Centered Relationship, one theme I heard frequently from the men I interviewed was how women, on the one hand, complained that men never talked or shared their feelings, yet on the other hand, if they did take the risk of talking, interrupted them, judged them, and got angry at them rather than just listening and honoring them for speaking. The issue of men feeling emasculated by the women in their lives surfaced as an important theme. Men need to be trusted and feel honored by the women in their lives. Men want to make women happy and they need clear targets to succeed in doing so. If rather than giving a man a clear sense of what will make her happy and then appreciating him when he does exactly what she asked, a woman just complains and focuses on all the things the man isn't doing right, the woman undermines the man's innate sense of power and masculinity. Recently, I have begun to realize that just as women can emasculate men--meaning, undermine the man's innate sense of power and masculinity, men can undermine a woman's innate sense of power and femininity as well. However, I have never encountered a word for this. So, I am choosing to coin one: "efemination." Just as a man needs to feel trusted and honored and appreciated for the ways he tries to make a woman happy, a woman needs to feel that a man is really there for and with her, making sure she is safe, and taken care of enough to surrender into her receptive feminine essence. David Deida writes about the masculine-feminine polarity--and to the degree a man embodies and acts from a rootedness in his sense of masculine energy, a woman can surrender into the softness and vulnerability of her feminine energy. If a man asks a woman to always take care of him, clean up his messes, and lead with her masculine side, there is no room for her to surrender into her feminine energy. This kind of behavior "effeminates" a woman. I can think of several experiences I have had repeatedly in my life where I have felt "efeminated" by the men around me: The simplest one is when a man says he will do something: call me, make a restaurant reservation or do a project, and then he "drops the ball," and does not keep his word, I am put in the position of being "the bitch" who has to hold him accountable, since he is not holding himself accountable. Having to remind a man that he did not keep his word or do what he said he would do is NOT fun to have to do. And the response, no matter how gently and graciously the message is given, is rarely positive. Men don't like to disappoint women. They don't want women "angry" at them. Yet, if a man does not keep his word and a woman follows up to ask what happened, it sets the woman up to be "disappointed" or perceived as "angry." Another example has happened on several occasions. Me and several other men need to drive a long distance to a meeting or conference. Somehow, my car is the one that is selected for the journey. And each of the three men driving with me comes up with a reason they cannot drive the long distance to the event. I remember vividly when I was driving 3 1/2 hours to a conference in NY more than 20 years ago, and had offered a ride to one male colleague. A second male colleague then asked to join us. And the organizer of the conference asked if I might also include a third male colleague, one who knew my other two colleagues, but who I did not know. I do not particularly enjoy driving on highways long distances. And at times in my life, I have even been "highway phobic"--getting panic attacks when driving on the highway too long, or with too many large trucks or speed demons on the road. I voiced my feelings about driving on highways long distances to my three males colleagues, and asked for some assistance. The responses were: "My back hurts. I can't drive," from the first colleague. "I'm sick. I don't feel well," from the second colleague. And I did not even know the third colleague. He was a total stranger. So, the whole situation felt very awkward indeed. We set out on the road with me driving the three male colleagues, feeling very badly about the situation. Why did their needs to be taken care of trump my vulnerability? What would have happened to these three men if I was not there to drive the car? Would they have not made it to the conference? Or would they have had to rise to the occasion and come up with another solution? I found myself feeling "efeminated." I was being asked to "take care of" these men. And they had little regard for my vulnerability or need, in spite of the fact that I stated that it really wasn't okay for me to be driving for 3 1/2 hours. In situations like these, when men just take for granted that a woman, in this case, me, will pick up the ball and take care of things, to push back is very uncomfortable and often does not end well. I have learned to set my boundaries. I can very gently say, "this is how I feel" or "this is what I need" or "it would be very helpful to me if you could ......" But if my listener misses the message, and just wants to hook up to what my friend Brenda many years ago called "the cosmic tit," my voice is not heard and my attempts to be considered are in vain. If I am fortunate enough to have a listener who believes relationships are a two way street, and mutuality and balance are key--including between men and women, the result is a much more comfortable solution. If in the driving situation, a man says, "I understand. Neither of us really like to do this. How about I drive one way and you drive the other?" I feel more space to surrender into my feminine core. If the men say, "You should not have to take on the burden of driving us. It is our job to help you too," there is even more space to surrender into my feminine essence. When women talk about men as "big babies," perhaps what they are saying at a deeper level is that they feel "efeminated" by the men in their lives. They do not feel the men are bringing masculine energy to them, and they feel forced to move into the masculine for things to get done. Being able to shift our consciousness as men and women and realize that no one wins if we emasculate men or effeminate women. And everyone wins when we are able to support both men and women in coming from their true essence and power. Copyright 2013 Linda Marks

Moving Beyond Relationship Duress

A colleague of mine recommended a powerful new book that shed great light on why we are struggling so greatly in relationships today. The book, Sex 3.0 by JJ Roberts, traces the evolution of human relationships from our pre-industrial days when nature guided human behavior, to our modern world, where a long list of societal rules and expectations demand what is "normal"and "acceptable" in relationship behavior. Roberts points out that what is "natural" and what is "normal" are not necessarily the same thing. Those things defined by nature are "natural." Those things that are defined by society are "normal" and often they are NOT "natural." In some cases, they are truly not healthy. When we are "forced" into following social norms, so that we are perceived as "normal" and "acceptable," we find ourselves experiencing "relationship duress." Relationship duress is when people in a relationship feel unspoken or spoken pressure to build a "fence" around a relationship because they are SUPPOSED to do so. For example, if a couple has been dating for a couple of years, they may feel internal and external pressure to get married. While marriage is a perfectly good thing, when two people define what marriage means to them personally and make a decision to get married because it has personal meaning to them, that is a completely different situation than the many couples I have worked with who got married because they and/or their families thought they "should." The phrase "make me an honest woman" or "make me an honest man" in reference to getting married versus continuing to have a loving, sexual relationship but not be married, illustrates the societal pressures to sculpt a relationship into a form to be "normal" and "acceptable," rather than because it has inherent meaning to the two people in the relationship. Marriage is just one example of a societally expected "fence" that we "should" put around a relationship. Some people feel "obligated" to have children, whether or not they truly wish or have the skills to parent young human beings from birth to adulthood. Getting a corporate job may be the result of societal pressure, rather than a personal journey to define right livelihood. We "fence" ourselves in many ways without deep thought, and often, without the consciousness that there is another way to take life's journey. All forms of relationship evolved at a time in our history where they made sense. Once upon a time what we call "traditional gender roles," were necessary for our survival. Men needed to hunt and farm. Women needed to tend to the home and hearth and raise the children. As our world evolved to the 1950's model of relationship, the man was the "breadwinner" and the woman was the "homemaker." This distribution of labor helped a family unit have its practical and domestic needs met. In 2012, the models that evolved out of previous eras may need to be updated so that we do not feel trapped under the weight of relationship duress. Men and women both work. Men and women both earn money. Men and women both have parenting gifts to provide to their children. Couples need not be just men and women, but men and men and women and women. And for some people, gender does not fit neatly in a "male" or "female" box. Trying to fit ourselves into societally defined boxes creates relationship duress, including with our relationship with self! Roberts feels that a healthy basis of relationship is "mutual reward," regardless of its force. If two people feel a connection and can contribute to one another's lives in mutually rewarding ways, then there is a healthy basis for the relationship. Roberts notes, "In life, the most valid choices are the ones you truly choose." So, if we remove the pressure to box or fence or overly define our emotional and spiritual connections with loved ones, and instead focus on what resonates, what makes us happy, what brings us joy and what feeds our souls, we are likely to invest in relationships because they are healthy, rather than because we feel societal pressure to do so. I believe people will naturally take responsibility for their connections, make commitments that assure safety and respect for themselves and those that they love if they are given the space to build relationship on a foundation of love, connection and authenticity. If you enjoy someone's company, why would you not want to spend more time with them? If you and a loved one develop skills to work through differences and ride the rapids of life, why would you leave someone who you have been building a history with? Giving ourselves and our relationships the space to be build on love, connection and true choice, following their own trajectory with their own unique timing, can move us beyond relational duress and into a space of helping one another be the best and happiest people we can be. Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Electronic Cocaine: The Seductive Pull of Computers

The other day I was thinking of taking a glance at my e-mail while driving, though I know the practice of checking incoming messages on a handheld device is now illegal. I looked ahead and saw a policeman down the road. "Okay. Bad idea," I said to myself. As I approached him, however, I saw that he was not even looking in my direction, attention firmly glued to his own handheld device. He was typing and reading with all his attention. I could have been typing while driving and he would not have even noticed that I drove by, never mind was doing something I shouldn't do. Wow! Our addiction to our computerized devices can render us oblivious to the world around us, to the here and now. Dr. Peter Whytbrow, director of UCLA's Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, believes that the chronic state of distraction that is epidemic today, as people text, glance at wall-mounted TV screens and constantly check e-mails, even as they sit in close proximity with other people, illustrates "how modern American culture has outrun the biology of our brains." With the growth of the Internet, the ever-increasing capability of the handheld device, and a world that seems to know no bounds, Whytbrow observed "a dangerously rising tide of growing psychosocial stress and shrinking physiological balance." "Many of the usual constraints that prevented people from doing things 24 hours a day--like distance and darkness--were falling away," says Whytbrow. Our way of life was becoming manic, marked by "excitement over acquiring new things, high productivity, fast speech--followed by sleep loss, irritability and depression." The physiological consequences of our manic way of life are significant, including "epidemic rates of obesity, anxiety and depression." People have drunk the Kool-Aid and now thoughtlessly walk "down this path of continuous stimulation." We cannot seem to control ourselves. Whytbrow asked WHY? His conclusion? "The computer is electronic cocaine for many people," he reflects. "Our brains are wired for finding immediate reward. You essentially become addicted to novelty." We become entrapped in the wiring of our reptilian brains, where responding to any psychosocial challenge "triggers some measure of the fight or flight response." We are not running away from sabertooth tigers. We are fighting off work overload, feeble attempts at "work-life balance," and rush hour traffic. Stress is not short-term and done, but long-term and chronic. We learn to become "aggressive, hyper vigilant and overreactive," according to Whytbrow. Our cortisol levels go up, contributing to anxiety and obesity. Is it a surprise that anxiety is now, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, "the nation's most common psychiatric complaint?" How do we learn to switch it off? Becoming aware that we are in a electronic haze or trance, and that we are becoming high performing lemmings, ready to throw ourselves off the psychic and emotional cliffs of life without the blink of an eye, is the first step. Learning how to stop, slow down, take a time out and meditate, relax, take a walk, close our eyes and take a deep breath are CRITICAL skills for both our mental and physical health. If we do not know how relaxation feels like, it is too easy to carry on in the addictive fog of overactivity. We need to learn to get grounded from the inside out, and to let our lives belong to us, rather than giving our power away to be doing other people's priorities. Awareness is the first step. What we focus on expands. So, time to focus on taking space and slowing down! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks Quotes come from "Manic Nation: Why Americans Are Anxious, Stressed, Depressed and Fat (And What We Can Do About It" by Mary Fischer, published in the Pacific Standard.

Don't Cry Out Loud: Living Unhappily Ever After

This past month I had the opportunity to see songstress Melissa Manchester perform at Scullers Jazz Club. Her songs are really powerful and her delivery soul-rendering. One of the songs she is best known for may be described as the American emotional national-anthem, written by Carole Bayer Sager, "Don't cry out loud." From an early age, when our sensitive hearts are hurt, scared or disappointed, the adults around us get uncomfortable, and tell us to stop it, to keep our feelings in check. In essence, we are taught exactly what "baby" in the song is taught: "don't cry out loud...just keep it inside...got to learn how to hide your feelings..." This may "look good" on the outside and allow us to appear to "fly high and proud," but inside, it sets us up for a life of silent suffering, isolation and the epidemic of anxiety and depression that permeates our culture. On the other hand, we are enamored with "positive psychology," to reinforce that everything is better if we only look at the bright side. A wonderfully insightful article in the Wall St Journal, entitled, "How to Live Unhappily Ever After," challenges our obsession with the positive. Writer Augusten Burroughs comments, "'I just want to be happy.' I can't think of another phrase capable of causing more misery and permanent unhappiness. With the possible exception of, 'Honey, I'm in love with your youngest sister.'" While, in theory, being happy is healthy, being able to define happiness and then build your life on a "happiness blueprint," is well and good, this is not always as easy as it sounds. Burroughs notes that while she experiences moments of joy, joy, like most emotions are fleeting. We can "enjoy" a joyful moment, but then things change. And well they should. If you see a flatline on your heart monitor, what does it mean? Feeling any one feeling all the time, even a good one, is a kind of emotional flatlining. Burroughs writes, "In our super positive society, we have an unspoken zero-tolerance policy for negativity. And she aptly comments that "Beneath the catchall umbrella of negativity is basically everything that isn't super positive." Who truly feels "great" all the time? Is it not more important to be AUTHENTIC--and be in touch with how you actually feel than to report a politically correct feeling state? If you feel how you truly feel, Burroughs suggests you have a "baseline." Being able to feel ANY emotion without censorship and judgment can lessen the intensity of what we label as "negative emotions." By feeling what you truly feel, you relax and release whatever emotional energy you are experiencing, rather than tightening up and in doing so, holding on to it. Some things that happen to us in life are truly painful. Losing a loved one hurts. And that kind of loss creates a hole that may NEVER be filled back up. While time may help us integrate a loss, and find a way to go forth in life without our loved one by our side, we may also always feel their missing presence. Burroughs notes that you don't have to "heal" to be "whole." And to be whole in our humanness means feeling pain, loss, anger, fear and other emotions we (unfairly) judge as "negative." By distancing from our true feelings, we only diminish ourselves. And by embracing the most unbearably painful moments in life, we become more human and whole. In Burroughs' words, we become "larger" than we were before. So, here's to celebrating the negative as just the mirror image of the positive. And if we can embrace and experience ALL of our humane feelings, we can at least find more peace of mind and heart. Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Transforming Health Through Wellness

While traditional health care seems to focus more on treating illness than promoting health, the tides may be turning based on some current work at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. An April 16 article in the Wall Street Journal, noted that the CDC is using measures of "well-being," which includes mental and physical health, "to develop a more holistic approach to disease prevention and health promotion." "Well-being" as a metric allows us to move beyond biochemical frameworks to include the human factor: having supportive relationships is one of the strongest predictors of well-being. Rosemarie Kobau, a public-health advisor on quality-of-life programs, commented, "Well-being moves us closer to looking at health in a positive sense--as more than the absence of illness." In contrast to our scientific, "facts only" medical point of view, it makes good sense that even a person who is suffering from a particular ailment will be healthier when they focus on personal goals, like being able to be most productive at work and to spend quality time with loved ones, rather than on "comparatively abstract targets like blood sugar levels." People who experience a sense of well-being have fewer hospitalizations, fewer emergency room visits, miss fewer days of work and use less medication, according to studies. It is not surprising that when people experience a greater sense of well-being they are more productive at work and more active in their communities. What figures into well-being? Contentment and happiness. Satisfaction with life. Fulfillment and engagement in activities. Feeling connected to other people and a larger community. All of these things correlate with an absence of "negative emotions" such as depression and anxiety. What is interesting about well-being is that it only correlates modestly with income. The strongest correlation between income and well-being is for people at lower income levels. In the studies, younger and older adults experienced greater well-being than middle-aged adults. Societies that are more economically developed, which lack corruption in government, and offer high levels of trust while providing for citizen's bsic needs for food and health offer greater well-being. Not surprisingly, people who scored high in well-being spent 60% less on health care in a 12 month period of time than people who scored low on well-being. So, take time to slow down, listen to your heart, find and follow what fascinates you and make time to connect with loved ones. These kinds of "simple," yet essential gestures will increase your well-being, and with it, your health. Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

When Greed Overpowers Other Human Values

While Gordon Gecko fostered the notion "greed is good," when you get too much of a "good" thing, "good" can become "bad" and even destructive. Former Goldman Sachs executive director Greg Smith wrote a powerful editorial in the New York Times this month,which argues that our financial institutions, and Goldman Sachs, as an example, having fostered the growth of a "greed at all costs" culture, that ultimately eats everyone in its path. The greed monster, as Smith experienced it, eats not only its children, but also its customers, its opponents, and ultimately our humanity.

Smith puts forward that the accomplishments he is proudest of "have all come through hard work with no shortcuts." Yet, Goldman Sachs, and the world it is part of, is all about shortcuts, without focus on achievement, or even doing right by one's client.

Smith notes, "The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example, and doing the right thing." But today, making boat loads of money has replaced those higher values, and "if you make enough money (and are not currently an ax murderer), you will be promoted to a position of influence."

To be focused on getting your clients to buy, sell or trade whatever will bring the greatest profit to Goldman Sachs is not in the client's higher interests and often are not in the client's interests at all. The client's success and satisfaction is not part of the Goldman Sachs "success equation."

Smith reflects, "It astounds me how little senior management gets a basic truth: If clients don't trust you they will eventually stop doing business with you. It doesn't matter how smart you are."

So, we have created a culture of master manipulators and salesmen, doggedly pursuing their narcissistic goals at the expense of the very people they once were in business to serve. And in the culture of no conscience, the fact that the practices that are being rewarded will ultimately sink the Titanic are not even reflected upon. "More, more, more. Me, me, me. Now!" is the corporate cheer.

In my eyes, this is the definition of hell on earth: people so absorbed with their own selfish interest that they destroy others without blinking, looking back, or in the worst case, even thinking about it. The financial services industry is riddled with a moral cancer that sadly is spreading to all of the commericial sector with metastases in government, health care, education and most all public institutions.

Our atom bomb is coming from within. And if we want life to continue without the proverbial mushroom cloud, we need to take action with our mind, hearts, voices and feet. Standing for interdependency. Making people aware that we don't live in a vacuum and there are consequences for our actions. Acknowledging if our actions harm others, this is not a good course of action. All of these steps are needed to transform our world to a more humane one for most if not all.

By taking a stand and speaking up in a public forum, Greg Smith has taken a very important step in confronting the monster. May more of us have courage to do the same. And may we band together to overthrow the dragon and restore respectability to the practice of business and commerce, where customer satisfaction and customer needs are restored to their proper place at the top of the food chain.