Force of Nature

"She breezes in, emotional genie. You can't keep her in a bottle. She'll touch your soul, even when you're sleeping. And when you're awake, just let her in. She's a force of nature. She's a keeper of the heart. She's a lighthouse for the weary. But this world is tearing her apart."

--From "Force of Nature" by Linda Marks

I know I have a lot of energy,whether you call it passion or joie d'vivre. And I am grateful I have ways to direct it positively to make a difference in the world--be it working with individuals, couples or groups as a mind-body psychotherapist, or as a singer or leader or organizer or human being walking the face of the planet. When I was a kid, people often told me I was "intense." I couldn't tell if that was an insult or a compliment.

When the speaker seemed scared or intimidated by me, then I felt it was more of a distancing comment or way to "other" me, separating me from other people. And that never felt very good. In my adult years, the word "intense" has been replaced by another term, "force of nature." Once again, it has been a mixed term, maybe an insult from some and a compliment from others.

I have done a lot of introspective reflection on both of these terms, "intense" and "force of nature." Who likes to feel different, distanced or "othered?" Yet, if I tried to focus more on the energy and life force both terms embody, I have felt more peace and less alone. When a light is very bright, we say it is "intense." Could it be that the light of my heart and spirit are just very bright, and people react to that kind of intensity?

And forces of nature have a profound, often undying directed power. Might I have the capacity to direct my life energy and my heart's power in a way that has a profound impact, often positive? When I turn to nature for my images and understanding, they are often more compassionate and complete than when I look at people's reactions in the context of what is familiar in our human world.

Is the sun not a force of nature or the rain? And aren't sunlight and water necessary to sustain life? Is the wind not a force of nature? And doesn't a sail boat rely on this force to move about the water?

If my intensity enlightens, me and others, and sheds needed light on the subject, especially when I or anyone I care about is moving through the dark, might that not be a gift rather than a curse? Being emotionally embodied, deeply reflective and introspective and actively engaged in projects out in the world, may actually all be good things. And if others feel their boats get rocked by my presence, might it be a gentle wave that keeps things flowing, rather than a scary hurricane?

Might we all not benefit from connecting with the light we are capable of shining in the dark corners of the world? And might our lives not flow better and more fluidly if we can find the part of us that is connected to the natural world and its rhythms? Maybe being a force of nature isn't so bad after all.

Embodying Compassion

"The more you listen, the more you will hear. The more you hear, the more and more deeply You will understand." --Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

What keeps us separate from self and others? What leads us to put up shields or walls to defend ourselves from the deeper experiences of life, including not only pain but also joy? Yes, we have lost, we have suffered, we have been betrayed, we have been abandoned....but is not the price we pay for closing our hearts even greater than the other pain and loss we feel when our hearts are open to both our own struggles and the struggles of others in this world?

Embodying compassion means finding the internal strength and courage to hold ourselves and others with love and sacred respect, and to create the safety within and without to take down our masks. When we take down our masks we can see heart to heart, soul to soul. When we take down our masks we can both see others and be seen for who we truly are.

Authors Joel and Michelle Levey believe, "It takes courage to wake up, to open our wisdom eyes, look more deeply, see more clearly, and feel deeply into the subtle, complex, and profound interrelationships that weave the fabric of our lives and world."

They continue, "To the fainthearted, it may superficially seem easier to live in denial, mindless of the intensity of beauty, joy, and wonder, numbed to the sorrow, suffering, and pain in our lives and world. Aloof and semi-disembodied, we distance ourselves from the raw, vivid, intensity, and intimacy of our feelings and our visceral responses to the suffering of the world within and around us. Such self-protective strategies keep us distanced from our heart, our feelings, our loved, ones, yet sooner or later, most of us get cracked open, one way or another, by the raw intensity of the nature of our lives and world."

Joel and Michelle suggest that when we eat each day we have a perfect opportunity to bring together some of the qualities involved in embodying compassion: "gratitude, wisdom and dedication." If we eat three meals a day, then we can take a moment out of our busy lives three times each day to focus on embodying compassion.

They suggest four levels of awareness to focus on:

1. Set the intention to be mindful and compassionate as you eat. When we set an intention, we focus on mind, our energy and our heart. When we are conscious of bringing compassion to our meals, to our food, to each bite we take and to each moment, our energy flows accordingly. Compassion helps nourish us as we digest our food, and compassion emanates from us as the food becomes part of us.

2. From a place of compassion, think about where your food came from and what that means. The Leveys invite you to consider where your food came from, how wholesome that environment might be, how the food got to you from its place of origin and how those involved in getting the food to you were treated--be they plants, animals or people involved in farming or food production. The more consciousness involved in the created, harvesting and distribution of food, the more compassionate energy accompanies the food we bring to our table.

3. Consider your own food choices if compassion were a screen through which you would make choices. Is the food you are eating now the food you would choose if you looked at your choices through the eyes of compassion? Would you consider more vegetables and grains? Do you know how humanely any fish or animals you eat were treated? How pure are the foods you eat? Processed? Organic? GMO free? Does reflecting on these questions inspire you to take an action step today?

4. If you were to eat in a way that truly embodies compassion, what would that mean? Would you make more choices that are life sustaining and health promoting? Would you share this consciousness with friends, family and loved ones? Would this consciousness move beyond food alone and into other products you purchase or create?

Since we literally become what we eat, food becomes a great laboratory for embodying compassion!

Anxiety and the Heart

In my work over the past 29 years, the relationship between the emotional heart and the physical heart has been very clear. As I have worked with clients who have atrial fibrillation or other forms of cardiac arrhythmia, I have noticed patterns of life arrhythmia, with corresponding emotional stress, including anxiety.

After her mother was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, my colleague Doris Jeanette found herself paying more attention to the physical heart and the relationship of the emotional heart to the physical heart. She started to notice the relationship between anxiety and heart disease, which makes great intuitive sense.

She noted that "numerous research studies reveal that people who have been diagnosed with anxiety are two to three times more likely to die from a heart attack." No one is immune from anxiety, be it a low-grade response to stress or a more intense and severe, even ongoing state of arousal.

Doris writes, "Your nervous system sends signals to your heart so it beats with the proper rhythm. This occurs automatically via the automatic nervous system, so you do not need to think about making your heart beat correctly. When you are anxious, your nervous system becomes very upset. As a result, this static energy, which is called anxiety, sends erratic signals to your heart, instead of harmonious signals. Your heart can become so upset it cannot pump blood fully to all the proper places." This can either be a momentary occurrence or become a chronic condition.

One bout of anxiety will not impact your health in a major adverse way. However, when anxiety becomes chronic and even an expected response, it indirectly and cumulatively compromises your heart health. Doris draws a parallel between anxiety's impact on the heart and the cumulative effect of acid reflux. She reflects that in and of itself, acid reflux is not serious. Yet, over time, it can "seriously damage your heart and scar your esophagus. When you are anxious, the acid build up in your stomach pushes the acid rapidly up your esophageal tube." Acid moves up towards your mouth, and pushes against your heart. "Over time, the chronic bangs to your heart can result in a heart attack," says Doris.

Sadly, in spite of scientific research and what it teaches us about the relationship between heart health and anxiety, most doctors, do not focus on the emotional health of their patients, and are often not conscious of the relationship between emotional health and physical health. As a result, they do not talk about the relationship between anxiety and physical heart health, and they do not recommend mind-body techniques to improve both emotional and physical heart health.

You can increase your self-care by:

1. Learning to turn your focus inward, and seeing how you feel physically and emotionally at different points in your day. Are there any points of tension? Do you notice yourself becoming anxious, and if so, under what kinds of circumstances? If you find yourself becoming anxious, how do you respond to yourself?

2. Slowing down and bringing safety and presence to your anxiety. Do you have a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat? Place your hand on the knot and adjust your hand to just the right amount of contact. If your hand had a message to communicate, what would it be? And see how that feels to your body and heart.

3. Taking time out to sit in a comfortable position, and get grounded in your body in the moment. By finding physical support for your body and allowing yourself to sink into it, you relax your muscles and often soften your defenses. Your mind becomes more clear to your inner directives. And your mind gives room for the voice of the heart.

4. Listening to your body. Following your heart. Your body and heart provide critical information about where you need to be, what you need to do and not do and where you need to do it. Your body and heart provide the voice of your intuition--your inner knowing and ultimately, a very important compass for life direction and decision making.

5. Learning that discomfort, anxiety and tension is a signal with important information about who you are and what you need moment to moment and over time. Learning how to translate your heart's and body's language of discomfort or anxiety can help you identify what you really need…and then take steps to get it.

The better able you are to dig more deeply into the feelings and needs of your body and heart, the less anxiety you will feel and the more direct information you will have to be yourself and take care of yourself. This is all good for the physical heart as well as the emotional heart.

The Inner Skills of Leadership

"I've looked at some training programs for leaders. I'm discouraged by how they often focus on the development of skills to manipulate the external world rather than the skills necessary to go inward and make the inner journey."

--Parker Palmer

Leaders, by definition both assume positions of power and impact other people through their use of power. Two key questions are: 1. how do we define power? and 2. how does a leader use their power?

A familiar image of power is the "power over kind," where power is a currency granted to those at the top of a hierarchy, those with the greatest material resources or those who by virtue of being appointed take on positions of power. This kind of power involves manipulating the external environment, including the people who are part of it. In this model of leadership there are "power haves"and "power have nots." Power must be granted to the "power have not" by the "power haves." This model can feel highly empowered and sometimes omnipotent for those on top, and highly disempowering and sometimes impotent for those on the bottom.

Another image of power, one that may be less familiar in common circles, is a "power with" model. In this model, the "leader" may be in the front of a project or effort, but does not operate from a "power haves" and "power have nots" model. In this model, the leader does not wish to control or have power over. S/he seeks to cultivate the natural power that lives inside each of the people s/he works with. To the degree the leader develops his/her own inner resources, and develops an internally grounded sense of power, the leader holds a space with other people that encourages, models and may even inspire, internally grounded power in others. Parker Palmer notes that leaders in our society often rise to power by "operating very competently and effectively in the external world, sometimes at the cost of inner awareness." These people tend toward extroversion, which may include "a tendency to ignore what is going on inside themselves." The externally oriented model is focused more on doing and producing tangible results in a concrete way, than on being and the process by which results are produced, including the impact on the people involved in the process. Worked long and sometimes inhuman hours, overlooking our basic human needs, including the need to eat when the body is hungry, to take breaks to walk around and decompress, to go to the bathroom in a timely manner are common when we focus on the externally driven model of leadership and success. There is often a high personal price paid to succeed under these conditions and a high internal price paid to work for the leader who models and demands this kind of work environment. Some of the inner skills of leadership that need to be cultivated include: * Meditation and reflection, to develop and maintain a spiritual connection with self and the larger world * Learning to listen to and heed the signals of one's own body, including when to eat, when to focus, when to relax and when to go to the bathroom * Learning what ones own natural skills and gifts are and what skills are best sought from other people * A sense of internal power through knowing who one is, rather than seeking external power that can be granted or taken away by others * A sense of groundedness: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, that leads to "good decisions" in a wholistic sense. Good results are generated through a fair and healthy process for self and others. * An inner sense of timing. This includes a sense of right pace (for self and others), when to stop and when to proceed. * Using intuition as a sense of guidance in addition to facts and other concrete information. Integrating facts and intuition usually produces a more complete picture for decision making If a leader models the above skills, s/he will inspire others to do the same. And both our organizations and our world will reflect more fairness, equity and ultimately, sustainability.

The Gift of Home Hospice For A Pet

Just a few weeks ago, I lost one of my beloved feline companions, a Russian blue colored kitty named Toss. My now 18 year old son and I got Toss from Buddy Dog as a feral rescue kitten when my son was just 4 years old. My son named him Toss after a similar gray kitty who was in a video called "Paws, Claws, Feathers and Fins," given to me and my son by a friend who worked as an animal control officer. In the video, a four year old girl goes to a shelter, adopts a gray kitten and names him Toss. My son followed suit and did just the same! I formed a very physical and visceral bond with Toss from the very start. When we first took him home, he was scared and shaking. I held him in my arms for 8 hours straight, helping him feel safe, until eventually he purred. Toss became known for purring as soon as I touched him. And he loved to sit on my lap. Whenever I would go into my "writer's cave," to write, Toss would come over, put his front feel on my legs, and ask to sit on my lap. Sadly, in June when I took him to the vet after watching him start to become frail and lose a lot of weight, I learned that he had either spleen or liver cancer, that in the eyes of the vet was untreatable. Many people I know, coming from a place of good intention, then told me to euthanize him so he "wouldn't suffer." While in no way did I want my cat to suffer, I felt equally strongly that if he was living reasonably peacefully, it was not my place to determine his life or death. I promised Toss that I would follow his lead. And as I spoke with him and petted him, of course, he purred. So, a hospice period ensued. Toss was having trouble eating dry cat food, so I started to give him mashed chicken breast, which he ate with great joy and abandon. So that he could eat peacefully without possible intrusions from our other cats, I set up a special feeding station in the bathroom, where we could close the door. Whenever I would call him for meal time, Toss would get up from under the china cabinet he found as his personal cave, and walk into the bathroom, co-creating a ritual that became very meaningful to us both. After he ate his fill, I would pet him and he would purr. Sometimes he would lie on the rug with feet outstretched and crossed in graceful sphinx position. Toss was a very graceful and elegant cat. As each day went by, he became a little bit weaker, yet every time I would touch him, be it under the china cabinet or in the bathroom, he would purr. When I would go into my writer's cave, he would still accompany me. He became too weak to put his paws up on my legs, so when he stood beside me, I picked him up so he could lie on my lap and purr. Yes, my beautiful companion was indeed transitioning. However, grace and contentment were his signature moods, not pain and suffering. Our ritual of crushed chicken in the bathroom, gentle caresses with purrs and lap visits while I was writing continued up until the very evening before he died. The night before he died, it became hard for Toss to get up from under the china cabinet and walk into the kitchen. He could not make it to the litter box, so I had to clean up after a regretfully incontinent cat. I brought him chicken and fed him from my hand. And up until hours before he died, he ate and he purred. Around midnight in his final hours of life, I could see he was in the final stages of transitioning. My other cats had gathered around him in the bathroom the previous night, somehow just knew to sit quietly and let him eat. It was as though they had gathered to honor him, and only wanted to nurture him and give him space to eat. I found myself asking should I stay up all night to accompany him as he passed, or should I try to get a few hours of sleep, because I had a long day ahead of me. I spoke with Toss, petted him, and he purred. And I got the message that it was okay to try to rest a bit. At 4:30 am, my Maine Coon Cat, Scarlett, clawed loudly at my door. I knew what that meant. I got up, and went to the china cabinet. Toss had just passed. His body was warm. His breathing had just stilled. I sat with him for a little while, petting his fur, and for the first time, not hearing him respond with his gentle purr. He had passed peacefully and gracefully, in the company of his brother and sister kitties. And now our hospice mission was complete. I was deeply moved by our connection from kitten hood through end of life. And being able to honor him and accompany him on his journey was a sacred and beautiful gift. Both my parents died in hospice care. And I am grateful I have been able to provide hospice care for almost all of my pets. To honor a life's journey through its final moments is priceless.

Balance and Belonging

Finding balance and having a sense of belonging are two important experiences many of us strive for, and sometimes find challenging. We get pulled in so many different directions as we go about our daily life: self-care and care for others, work and relaxation, daily necessities and fun,and solitary pursuits and connecting with others can each be polarities as we strive to find balance. Authors Joel and Michelle Levey believe that our search for balance is not "just a solitary affair." This search extends beyond even our relationships with close friends and family, and how we integrate work and personal life. They write, "The sense of belonging to a larger whole is a fundamental force in our search for balance, one that begins in our need to be connected to a larger community, extending our to encompass the entire human family, and ultimately to all nature." Seeing where we fit into the larger web of life, gives us a sense of context, that brings both balance and peace, in the eyes of the Leveys. One might even ask is it possible to find balance solely as a solitary pursuit? Might one of the reasons we struggle with balance and often feel so alone be that we may not recognize how critical it is to feel our place in the larger whole of life in order to find the peace we are seeking? If we were to make a plan to find balance, might we try to identify steps to take at three levels: balance within oneself, balance in relationships with others and balance in our connection to the larger whole? In that sense, self-care gets expanded. Self-care can include healthy eating meditation exercise and meaningful pursuits, and also spending quality time and feeling emotionally connected to friends and loved ones. And it also includes engaging in activities that connect us to nature, to a larger sense of community and to matters that concern the greater good. The kinds of activities that help us pursue all these levels of self-care lead to the kinds of interactions and connections that help us feel like we belong. We cannot lead lives of quiet isolation, which can then breed quiet desperation. Building bridges between different parts within ourselves, between ourselves and others and with ourselves and experiences of the larger whole lead to a sense of integration and meaning most of us seek.

Social Allergens: The Impact of Annoying Habits

The Personal Journal section of today's Wall Street Journal had a headline that caught my attention: "I'm Sorry, I'm Allergic to You." The article highlighted the work of Dr. Michael Cunningham, a psychologist and professor at the University of Louisville, who for 15 years has been studying a phenomenon called, "Social Allergens," behaviors or habits that drive other people "nuts." These behaviors or habits can be, intentional or unintentional, personal or impersonal. All impact others in a way that causes discomfort, irritation and/or annoyance.

Dr. Cunningham describes four groupings of "social allergens." The first is "uncouth habits." When a person does something that is considered rude or breaks social norms for polite behavior, they may not be doing it intentionally and it is not personally directed at others. A person might be chewing their food loudly, getting food stains all over their shirt, or picking their nose in public. The behavior may make you feel uncomfortable, but the actor is not thinking about the others it impacts.

"Egocentric actions" are a second category of social allergens. While not necessarily intentional, the behaviors are directed at you personally. Have you ever had a friend who does not order dessert, and then, without asking your permission, helps themselves to half of yours? Or a friends who smokes their smelly cigarette so close to you that you are breathing in the smoke, whether you want to or not? Or the friend who helps themselves to your cellphone without asking your permission? Or assumes you will do something with them without asking or checking your availability?

"Norm violations" are intentional but not personal. Examples the article gives are talking during a movie, or texting while driving. Other examples include running a red light or not paying income taxes.

The fourth grouping of social allergens includes "actions that are both intentional and directed personally." Insulting another person, starting a fight by saying a provocative comment or making an insensitive comment like, "what are you doing eating ice cream when you said you wanted to lose weight?" are all examples of this fourth category. The speaker may not be aware that s/he is making you feel bad. But his/her comments/actions do make you feel bad.

People we encounter regularly in close relationships are plentiful generators of our social allergies. Just like with many physical allergies, like pollen or animal dander, repetition may trigger and exacerbate our allergic reaction. If someone does something moderately annoying once, we can just write it off as eccentric or "just the way they are." However, if a friend or colleague, or partner or boss repeatedly picks their nose, barges in on you without knocking, walks around the office with food stains on their shirt, our annoyance level, or allergy, grows more uncomfortable.

Dr Cunningham notes that at work, where our relationships are involuntary, we may experience more social allergens. We may be more tolerant or forgiving of our friends and loved ones. On the other hand, in romantic relationships, where there is initially "new relationship energy," where we put our best foot forward and see the idealized version of the other person for the first one to six months, as time passes and defenses go down, we might find ourselves increasingly annoyed by some little idiosyncrasy that we could initially just write off. The article calls this "de-romanticism." And people who once thought they loved each other can find themselves picking fights over which end of the toothpaste tube should be squeezed or how many paper towels are okay to use to clean up a spill.

How do we reel ourselves in and truly not sweat the small stuff, so that the small stuff does not blow up an imperfect, but very human relationship?

1. Learn to accept that we all have idiosyncrasies. We are all uniquely human. And we all have different habits or patterns or concepts of behavior. Letting the other person be on the small stuff, like making hospital corners on not when making a bed, or closing the refrigerator door right away after taking an item out versus leaving it open to go grab a second item, can ease tension and reduce allergic reactions.

2. Talk with the other person gently about their behavior. If someone you work with or are close to has an annoying behavior find a gentle and respectful way to talk about it. If you can tell a colleague, "I know your job involves a lot of phone calls, but when you talk on the phone it is often so loud I can hear your voice in my office. You may not be aware of how your voice travels," that is very different than accusing them of disturbing your piece or telling them they are a loud mouth and to shut up.

3. Work on your own reactions. See if you can give your colleague or loved one a little more slack. Take a few deep breaths. Don't react.

4. See if what is annoying you is actually a signal that there are deeper concerns or issues in your relationship. If you feel good about someone, their little annoying habits can more easily be brushed off. If you are harboring resentment about deeper issues, the little annoying habits are magnified. If there ARE deeper issues, address them respectfully. And if you can't do it yourselves, get counseling.

All in all, it is certainly good advice not to sweat the small stuff, and to pick your battles. We are all human. Can we learn to laugh with and at our idiosyncrasies rather than erupt in allergic reactions?