In her book, The Bond, Lynn McTaggart suggests that it is the relationships between objects, be they atoms or people, that make all the difference. Life happens in the "spaces inbetween."
Here are some points she makes:
* Subatomically, there is no such thing as an individual thing
* Our bodies are created through so many complex interactions with our environment that they cannot be considered to exist independently
* We understand the actions of others by simulating the entire experience from a personal vantage point as though it were happening to us
* One of our deepest needs is to agree with each other, which manifests in a constant and automatic impulse to synchronize, physically, psychologically and emotionally
* Emotion, always considered wholly individual, is like a virus, transferring from person to person in an endless and unconscious circle of contagion
* We seek belonging above all else: for every $10,000 more your neighbors make than you do, your likelihood of suicide probably increases by 7.5 per cent
* Connecting with others is a matter of life and death: the lone-wolf, Gary Cooper-style all-American hero is a perfect candidate for a heart attack(1)
Much as Americans pursue an image of rugged individualism and self-reliance, these images can become pathological, and distance us from our more primary need to be interconnected with others.
Emotionally, neurologically and biologically, we are not designed to be "islands" or "rocks" that do not cry or feel pain. A healthy heart feels for others and grieves when another experiences hurt or loss.
If we work on valuing one another and investing more time and energy into our relationships (and perhaps less into our work and solo pursuits that leave little time for relationships), perhaps our world will feel less "cold" and "cruel."
Copyright Linda Marks 2011
(1) This list of points was prepared by Lynn McTaggart, author of The Bond
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Letting People Matter
Have you ever experienced a relationship where your partner said again and again that s/he loved you, yet left easily, and in a heartbeat without looking back? This kind of experience leaves the one left behind feeling confused, hurt, angry, shocked and just plain displaced.
If a loved one is able to leave that easily without remorse, it suggests that they were not entirely attached to their loved one. If someone is truly emotionally attached to a loved one, they cannot leave in the blink of an eye. Leaving would create great pain, and a sense of profound loss which they can anticipate emotionally,and as a result, they are far more motivated to work through emotional difficulties to make a relationship work.
Truly loving someone means letting the person matter. Many avoid this depth of heart opening and intimacy, because losing a loved one from this depth of attachment creates tremendous pain. So, many people protect their hearts and never let themselves open into full emotional attachment, and therefore, never truly let their loved one really matter.
Many people suffer from attachment disorders. Many people have had parents who cannot open into full emotional attachment with their children. As a result they experience chaotic attachment, where sometimes the parent seems to love them, be present to them, be with them, pay attention to them or listen to them, and other times, the parent is not present, is self-absorbed, in unfairly angry at the child, does not pay attention to the child, does not listen to or hear them or overpowers the child with their own wants and needs. If we have not had the experience of a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment when we are young, it is very scary and difficult, if not impossible, to build a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment as an adult.
Letting someone matter requires have a sense of depth and security within our own heart. We need the room in our hearts to let someone in and hold them in the moment and over time. Choosing to MAKE someone matter through conscious actions and thoughts takes a sense of consciousness and a strength of heart. Conscious thoughts and actions, regular rhythms of communication, and regular times together accented through healthy times apart help create a container that holds both the relationship and both people in the relationship.
This kind of container is needed to give space for both the relationship and the people in the relationship to grow. It is a sad paradox that many people are afraid to get boxed into a relationship for fear of losing their freedom and not being able to grow, when in actually, a healthy container holding a relationship allows for both connection and independence, and ultimately personal and relational growth.
When relationships are treated less consciously and intentionally and more randomly, the relational container has holes that leak out energy and the individuals and the relationship may not feel as safe, solid or held.
When people come from backgrounds that lack emotional constancy, there may be comfort in the familiarity of chaos and a fear of the constancy/commitment of a stable, lovig bond. Being able to develop and sustain intimacy requires a sense of trust,constancy and connection that is nurtured through actions and invested time.
If this is unfamiliar, we need experiences that introduce us to the reality that true intimacy, while vulnerable, can also be safe, nurturing and secure.
To really love someone is to both LET them matter, and to act in such a way that you MAKE them matter.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
If a loved one is able to leave that easily without remorse, it suggests that they were not entirely attached to their loved one. If someone is truly emotionally attached to a loved one, they cannot leave in the blink of an eye. Leaving would create great pain, and a sense of profound loss which they can anticipate emotionally,and as a result, they are far more motivated to work through emotional difficulties to make a relationship work.
Truly loving someone means letting the person matter. Many avoid this depth of heart opening and intimacy, because losing a loved one from this depth of attachment creates tremendous pain. So, many people protect their hearts and never let themselves open into full emotional attachment, and therefore, never truly let their loved one really matter.
Many people suffer from attachment disorders. Many people have had parents who cannot open into full emotional attachment with their children. As a result they experience chaotic attachment, where sometimes the parent seems to love them, be present to them, be with them, pay attention to them or listen to them, and other times, the parent is not present, is self-absorbed, in unfairly angry at the child, does not pay attention to the child, does not listen to or hear them or overpowers the child with their own wants and needs. If we have not had the experience of a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment when we are young, it is very scary and difficult, if not impossible, to build a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment as an adult.
Letting someone matter requires have a sense of depth and security within our own heart. We need the room in our hearts to let someone in and hold them in the moment and over time. Choosing to MAKE someone matter through conscious actions and thoughts takes a sense of consciousness and a strength of heart. Conscious thoughts and actions, regular rhythms of communication, and regular times together accented through healthy times apart help create a container that holds both the relationship and both people in the relationship.
This kind of container is needed to give space for both the relationship and the people in the relationship to grow. It is a sad paradox that many people are afraid to get boxed into a relationship for fear of losing their freedom and not being able to grow, when in actually, a healthy container holding a relationship allows for both connection and independence, and ultimately personal and relational growth.
When relationships are treated less consciously and intentionally and more randomly, the relational container has holes that leak out energy and the individuals and the relationship may not feel as safe, solid or held.
When people come from backgrounds that lack emotional constancy, there may be comfort in the familiarity of chaos and a fear of the constancy/commitment of a stable, lovig bond. Being able to develop and sustain intimacy requires a sense of trust,constancy and connection that is nurtured through actions and invested time.
If this is unfamiliar, we need experiences that introduce us to the reality that true intimacy, while vulnerable, can also be safe, nurturing and secure.
To really love someone is to both LET them matter, and to act in such a way that you MAKE them matter.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Thursday, June 23, 2011
TV For Your Soul
"So many channels, so little on." Have you ever felt that way as you skipped through the guide function on your tv? Executive Producer Marie Manning has been working to provide real television nourishment in an age of "empty viewing calories," and "junk food for the spirit." TV For Your Soul offers meaningful alternatives to voyeuristic, competitive, reality tv putting people up against one another in awkward situations.
"All of our shows have positive, uplifting content," reflects Marie. Programs include: "Body, Mind and Spirit," "Empowering Women,""Contributions to Earth,""Room of Ones Own," and "Wedding Essentials." Two shows in the works are "Everyday Goddesses," and "Celebrity Charities."
"We wanted to raise the uality of what people are getting on tv," acknowledges TV For Your Soul Executive Director, Martha Kilcoyne. "People deserve an opportunity to hear messages that can help them rise out of the cultural norm, and not in the context of people fighting on a talk show because it gets good ratings."
Gaining visibility for quality programming has its challenges. Traditional television channels are hard to access. The internet makes it easy to put out more messages to more people, but having a place to put out a 28 minute show with great quality requires deep pockets. The more affordable outlets may compromise the quality of the program you watch.
If you are interested in sampling some of the shows that Marie has produced so far, vignettes are available on www.tvforyoursoul.com.
Marie's vision is to not only produce content with integrity but also to distribute the content with integrity as well. If you want to see full episodes of TV For Your Soul productions, they will be available on demand through LexMedia.
Would you like to help TV For Your Soul grow and reach a larger audience? Ways you can help include:
* Let other people know about TV For Your Soul and send them to the website
* Consider sponsoring an episode for a show or underwriting a series
* Make a donation to TV For Your Soul to help with some needed capital purchases, including back-up drives and storage so that Marie and her team can work with all the footage that they have, a couple better mikes, and funds to help support editors, producers and the people behind the cameras
It is time to rise out of a cultural paradigm that isn't working, and create a new paradigm that is more collaborative, sustainable and empowering. TV For Your Soul is a wonderful vehicle for cultural transformation.
"All of our shows have positive, uplifting content," reflects Marie. Programs include: "Body, Mind and Spirit," "Empowering Women,""Contributions to Earth,""Room of Ones Own," and "Wedding Essentials." Two shows in the works are "Everyday Goddesses," and "Celebrity Charities."
"We wanted to raise the uality of what people are getting on tv," acknowledges TV For Your Soul Executive Director, Martha Kilcoyne. "People deserve an opportunity to hear messages that can help them rise out of the cultural norm, and not in the context of people fighting on a talk show because it gets good ratings."
Gaining visibility for quality programming has its challenges. Traditional television channels are hard to access. The internet makes it easy to put out more messages to more people, but having a place to put out a 28 minute show with great quality requires deep pockets. The more affordable outlets may compromise the quality of the program you watch.
If you are interested in sampling some of the shows that Marie has produced so far, vignettes are available on www.tvforyoursoul.com.
Marie's vision is to not only produce content with integrity but also to distribute the content with integrity as well. If you want to see full episodes of TV For Your Soul productions, they will be available on demand through LexMedia.
Would you like to help TV For Your Soul grow and reach a larger audience? Ways you can help include:
* Let other people know about TV For Your Soul and send them to the website
* Consider sponsoring an episode for a show or underwriting a series
* Make a donation to TV For Your Soul to help with some needed capital purchases, including back-up drives and storage so that Marie and her team can work with all the footage that they have, a couple better mikes, and funds to help support editors, producers and the people behind the cameras
It is time to rise out of a cultural paradigm that isn't working, and create a new paradigm that is more collaborative, sustainable and empowering. TV For Your Soul is a wonderful vehicle for cultural transformation.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Time and Money
What might be at the heart of our "crazybusy" time-crunched way of life in today's world? It may not just be more things to do according to research by organizational behavior professors Sanford DeVoe of the University of Toronto and Jeffrey Pfeffer of Stanford University.
Professors DeVoe and Pfeffer actually trace the roots of the "modern time bind" to rising income over the past several decades. Apparently, as people's pay rises, the stress they internalize to do more faster increases. When a person is paid less, they feel more permission to go at their own pace.
This includes when being assigned the very same tasks! A study of 67 college students to a fictitious corporate job illustrated this point. The students who were paid 10 times what their other colleagues were reported feeling more pressure to do the very same job.
When people were assigned to groups where they were made to feel either wealthy or poor, those who felt wealthy also felt more time pressure. With this increased sense of time pressure came less patience and a tendency to rush through tasks.
This research invites us to look at what really makes us feel time bound. Do we really have too much to do, or do we feel too much pressure to do what we feel responsible for? Good food for thought!
Professors DeVoe and Pfeffer actually trace the roots of the "modern time bind" to rising income over the past several decades. Apparently, as people's pay rises, the stress they internalize to do more faster increases. When a person is paid less, they feel more permission to go at their own pace.
This includes when being assigned the very same tasks! A study of 67 college students to a fictitious corporate job illustrated this point. The students who were paid 10 times what their other colleagues were reported feeling more pressure to do the very same job.
When people were assigned to groups where they were made to feel either wealthy or poor, those who felt wealthy also felt more time pressure. With this increased sense of time pressure came less patience and a tendency to rush through tasks.
This research invites us to look at what really makes us feel time bound. Do we really have too much to do, or do we feel too much pressure to do what we feel responsible for? Good food for thought!
Love, Money and Stuff
A recent article in Time Magazine reported a new psychology study that reveals that "people who feel loved and accepted by others place lower monetary values on material possessions than folks who feel insecure and unloved." When people don't feel valued and appreciated by other people, they turn to stuff to fill the emotional and relational void.
There are many psychological studies on how we compensate when we don't get what we really need. Most addictions are rooted in this kind of compensating behavior. And because the secondary source we turn to (food, work, money, stuff)often still leaves us feeling incomplete in some way, we keep wanting more and more. We can't get enough of what we don't really need.
And at some level, deep down inside, we just plain need what we really need. Love, connection, feeling that we matter, and feeling welcome are primal human needs, necessary for psychological survival and well-being. The pain of NOT getting what we really need is so great, we build strong fortresses around our hearts, to numb out the pain that comes from not knowing how to get what we really need.
"People value possessions, in part, because they afford a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort," UNH psychology professor Edward Lemay reflects. "But what we found was that if people already have a feeling of being loved and accepted by others, which also can provide a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort, those possessions decrease in value."
This brings to mind the experiments we studied in Psychology 101 about cloth and wire monkeys. When baby monkeys were removed from their mothers, researchers gave some a hard wire substitute monkey to hold on to, and others a soft, clothbound substitute mother monkey. The baby monkeys who at least had the comfort and warmth of the cloth, fared better than the baby monkeys who had the cold, hard wire as their only contact. Truthfully, both sets of monkeys would have been much happier if they had simply been left with their living, breathing monkey moms. However, given the experiment required leaving their real moms, having some literal creature comforts was critical for well-being.
Funny how we can make "things" creature comforts when we can't get comfort from real creatures! And it is no surprise that when humans let us down, abandon us, are not available or just don't know how to connect, cats and dogs provide the real creature comfort that human beings deeply crave.
Here's to love, connection and warmth from real human beings!
There are many psychological studies on how we compensate when we don't get what we really need. Most addictions are rooted in this kind of compensating behavior. And because the secondary source we turn to (food, work, money, stuff)often still leaves us feeling incomplete in some way, we keep wanting more and more. We can't get enough of what we don't really need.
And at some level, deep down inside, we just plain need what we really need. Love, connection, feeling that we matter, and feeling welcome are primal human needs, necessary for psychological survival and well-being. The pain of NOT getting what we really need is so great, we build strong fortresses around our hearts, to numb out the pain that comes from not knowing how to get what we really need.
"People value possessions, in part, because they afford a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort," UNH psychology professor Edward Lemay reflects. "But what we found was that if people already have a feeling of being loved and accepted by others, which also can provide a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort, those possessions decrease in value."
This brings to mind the experiments we studied in Psychology 101 about cloth and wire monkeys. When baby monkeys were removed from their mothers, researchers gave some a hard wire substitute monkey to hold on to, and others a soft, clothbound substitute mother monkey. The baby monkeys who at least had the comfort and warmth of the cloth, fared better than the baby monkeys who had the cold, hard wire as their only contact. Truthfully, both sets of monkeys would have been much happier if they had simply been left with their living, breathing monkey moms. However, given the experiment required leaving their real moms, having some literal creature comforts was critical for well-being.
Funny how we can make "things" creature comforts when we can't get comfort from real creatures! And it is no surprise that when humans let us down, abandon us, are not available or just don't know how to connect, cats and dogs provide the real creature comfort that human beings deeply crave.
Here's to love, connection and warmth from real human beings!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Altruism Is Good For YOU
Gordon Gecko may have said "greed is good," but from a physiological and well-being perspective, altruism is better. The Institute of HeartMath reports that "when we act in other people's behalf, we feel better, more secure and experience less stress."
When we are helping others from a place of care, compassion and pure intent, both our brain and heart produce oxytocin, the love or bonding hormone. Heart cells as well as brain cells produce "feel good chemicals"including dopamine and endorphins. Only genuine intent creates this hormonal benefit.
An article on altruism prepared by the Institute of HeartMath cites research that shows:
* altruistic people are healthier and live longer
* older people who are helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by nearly 60% compared to peers who provide neither practical help nor emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends
* altruism promotes enhanced meaning and purpose, and the presence of positive emotions such as kindness that displaces harmful negative emotional states
When we can shift our focus to what we have to give, instead of what we have to get or take, what follows actually helps US. Is it paradoxical that in giving, we receive more than if we had only focused on our selfish self-interest? Perhaps this shows the difference in scope between the ego and the heart. Because the heart operates from a place of connection and interconnectedness, it understands the flow of life. When we operate from ego, fear or scarcity, we can disconnect from this very flow.
Hearts know how to balance self-care and care for others. When we use our intellects with the balancing perspective of the heart, we can operate from a sense of duty or obligation, when can lack pure heartfelt intent. Using our heart's wisdom and guidance is key to keep ourselves in the circulating flow of giving and receiving, rather than burning out from giving in a disconnected state.
When we are helping others from a place of care, compassion and pure intent, both our brain and heart produce oxytocin, the love or bonding hormone. Heart cells as well as brain cells produce "feel good chemicals"including dopamine and endorphins. Only genuine intent creates this hormonal benefit.
An article on altruism prepared by the Institute of HeartMath cites research that shows:
* altruistic people are healthier and live longer
* older people who are helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by nearly 60% compared to peers who provide neither practical help nor emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends
* altruism promotes enhanced meaning and purpose, and the presence of positive emotions such as kindness that displaces harmful negative emotional states
When we can shift our focus to what we have to give, instead of what we have to get or take, what follows actually helps US. Is it paradoxical that in giving, we receive more than if we had only focused on our selfish self-interest? Perhaps this shows the difference in scope between the ego and the heart. Because the heart operates from a place of connection and interconnectedness, it understands the flow of life. When we operate from ego, fear or scarcity, we can disconnect from this very flow.
Hearts know how to balance self-care and care for others. When we use our intellects with the balancing perspective of the heart, we can operate from a sense of duty or obligation, when can lack pure heartfelt intent. Using our heart's wisdom and guidance is key to keep ourselves in the circulating flow of giving and receiving, rather than burning out from giving in a disconnected state.
Living From the Heart Workshop
On Friday, May 20, I will be giving a workshop on Living From the Heart at the home of Margaret Arndt and David Sneickus in Newton, MA.
LIVING FROM THE HEART
Our hearts thrive when our lives are "coherent," meaning we have a sense that life is purposeful, manageable and meaningful. This approach to living makes us happier and healthier in all ways. The messages we receive from the culture, however, do not often invite us to go inward and listen to our hearts. Instead, we are told to do more, go faster and keep going...skipping over the critical messages our hearts and bodies give us moment to moment and over time about the things we really need.
In this evening workshop, you will have a chance to slow down, bring your focus inwards and listen to your own heart. We will explore some of our basic human needs (beyond food, shelter and clothing...like being welcome in the world, not having to do it all alone, and having emotional and spiritual connection), and how to bring more of what really matters into our lives. We will do meditation, experiential exercises and partnered sharings drawing from EKP body psychotherapy to nourish and honor our hearts.
Linda Marks, MSM, has practiced body psychotherapy with individuals, couples, families and groupsfor 26 years. EKP (Emotional-Kinesthetic Psychotherapy), a heart-centered, psychospiritual body psychotherapy method is her contribution to the field. Linda has presented nationally and internationally, published two books and hundreds of articles, taught at universities and professional conferences and has appeared on radio and television. She also practice coaching and mediation. Her website is www.healingheartpower.com.
For more information, contact msarndt@verizon.net
LIVING FROM THE HEART
Our hearts thrive when our lives are "coherent," meaning we have a sense that life is purposeful, manageable and meaningful. This approach to living makes us happier and healthier in all ways. The messages we receive from the culture, however, do not often invite us to go inward and listen to our hearts. Instead, we are told to do more, go faster and keep going...skipping over the critical messages our hearts and bodies give us moment to moment and over time about the things we really need.
In this evening workshop, you will have a chance to slow down, bring your focus inwards and listen to your own heart. We will explore some of our basic human needs (beyond food, shelter and clothing...like being welcome in the world, not having to do it all alone, and having emotional and spiritual connection), and how to bring more of what really matters into our lives. We will do meditation, experiential exercises and partnered sharings drawing from EKP body psychotherapy to nourish and honor our hearts.
Linda Marks, MSM, has practiced body psychotherapy with individuals, couples, families and groupsfor 26 years. EKP (Emotional-Kinesthetic Psychotherapy), a heart-centered, psychospiritual body psychotherapy method is her contribution to the field. Linda has presented nationally and internationally, published two books and hundreds of articles, taught at universities and professional conferences and has appeared on radio and television. She also practice coaching and mediation. Her website is www.healingheartpower.com.
For more information, contact msarndt@verizon.net
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