The Third Body: The "We" In Our Relationships

"A man and a woman sit near each other, and they do not long at this moment to be older, or younger, nor born in any other nation, or time, or place They are content to be where they are, talking or not-talking. Their breaths together somehow feed someone whom we do not know. The man sees the way his fingers move; he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him, They obey a third body that they share in common. They have made a promise to love that body. Age may come, parting may come, death will come. A man and a woman sit near each other; as they breathe they feed someone we do not know, someone we know of, whom we have never seen."

--Robert Bly

When two people form a relationship, they often do not realize that they are birthing a new being: the "we." The "we" is more than you and I. The "we" is a kind of oversoul, that is greater than you and I alone. Building a relationship requires not only getting to know the "you" and "I," but also nurturing the "we." Kindness towards the "you" and the "I" provides seeds for the "we." However, without consciously attending to the "we," the relationship cannot thrive and grow to its full potential, and in some cases, be sustained.

Deep intimacy can give us an experience of this "we." When you anticipate another's thoughts or words before they come out of their mouth, when you just know the phone is just going to ring or you think of a loved one and a text message instantly follows...These kinds of experience grow out of the "we" connection between two people connected at the heart.

Caring for the "we" requires consciousness, time, energy, thought, conversation and actions. Taking time out of our busy individual lives to nurture the "we" connection is critical to feed the we. When people invest too much of their focus on their individual pursuits, the "we" can starve. Likewise, when there is an obstacle or difficulty, when something is not working in the relationship, it takes a commitment to bring the attention of both people to not only self and other, but the "we." Perhaps things have gotten out of alignment or have remained unspoken or unasked. And conscious heartful attention and communication are required to unearth the deeper roots of what often presents at a more superficial level.

The "we" can nurture and feed the two individual "I's" when times get tough and when times are joyful. It takes two people to have a relationship. And if one of the two stops attending to the relationship, the we suffers as well as the other "I."

Sadly, while it takes two people to have a relationship, it only takes one to kill one. And when one person abruptly leaves, not only is the other person a casualty, but the "we" as well. Ending a relationship kills the "we." And this is a loss that might be even greater than the loss of the other "I." Because the "we" gives us a sense of connection not only to another person, but to something greater than ourselves. The "we" is indeed the oversoul, or the deeper spiritual body created when two people open their hearts to one another, and choose, hopefully with love and consciousness, to create something together.

The Mirror of Our Relationships

My colleague Margaret Paul once said that "relationships are the PhD of life." We can learn many things through introspection and self-focused personal growth. But we cannot fully grow and evolve unless we actively embrace the lessons available in all of our intimate relationships: Parent/child, life partners, friends, creative collaborators, family, co-workers... Our relationships are truly relation-SHIPS. How smoothly we sail requires the efforts of both parties. When we hit obstacles, it can because of me or you or both of us...And consciously tending to the needs of me, you and the "we," is often required to get the SHIP back on track. Too often, we think of relationships as just "you" and "me," and may not be aware that there is also a "we" that needs conscious care and attention. When you and I become polarized or in conflict, we are at risk of tearing apart the "we" if we are not aware that it is part of the picture. It is too easy to "other" a loved one when we are angry or disappointed or hurt, and lose sight of the irreplaceable value they add to our life. While a role or function can be replaced (golf buddy, singing partner, colleague in the office next door), no individual person can be replaced. Making a new friend does not take the place of an old friend we may have lost. Authors Joel and Michelle Levey coach people to find more harmony and balance in relationships of all kinds. They note, "So much of the joy and sorrow in our life is related to the quality of our relationships. By learning to recognize the many invisible patterns of relationship, you may come to a wealth of valuable insights regarding how to find more harmony with the people in your life." To have more balanced relationships, they encourage us to: * "stay honest with ourselves and with others about what is really true for us * communicate what is true for us with authenticity and compassion * listen fro the heart, and for the heart, in what is being communicated * make the invisible visible by recognizing and clarifying assumptions and expectations * know our options and make conscious rather than compulsive choices * show respect by being willing to "look again" or "look more deeply" into ourselves and others * keep coming back to patience, openness with discernment and a sense of humor * have confidence in ourselves and nurture trust in our relationships * treat ourselves and others with kinds, caring and compassion, * see each relationship as a mutually supportive vehicle for realizing our highest potentials and for discovering wholeness greater than our individuality * view the relationship as serving a larger sphere of learning and development than just for ourselves * intuitively sense the common ground of being that animates and inspires you and all your relations The mirror of your relationships will relentlessly offer moment to moment feedback on the quality of harmony and balance in your life. Receive this feedback with a sincere wish to awaken even more deeply to your highest potentials, and the quality of your relationships will noticeably improve over time." This material is adapted from Living in Balance by Joel and Michelle Levey