The Power of WE: The Women In Music Gathering

There is a saying that if we want to get somewhere faster, we do it alone, but if we want to go farther, we do it together.

This past April, the Women In Music Gathering was launched, an intergenerational artist alliance that was the collaborative creation of me, social media publicist Cindy D'Adamo, and singer/songwriter Colette O'Connor. We were aware that women in music face a very particular set of obstacles as they strive to balance relationships and professional goals throughout the different stages of their lives.

The journey is often frought with competing needs of the creative individual, a partner, children, an aging parent and professional challenges. It is very easy to both feel alone and be alone in this journey.

The field of music has become more complex and challenging in our internet and social media era, where being seen and heard, making money from one's profession and having true listening rooms for live performances is no small task. It can be quite overwhelming knowing where to focus, what to focus on, and how to balance all the activities that are needed to build one's music life and integrate it into a whole life as a woman.

There is also the need to just speak and be heard and listen to other's stories in a group of collaborative women. The first time our group gathered, there was a profound energy in the room. It became very apparent that our coming together not only was fulfilling a deep and unspoken emotional need, but also a more sacred purpose. Our members ranged in age from 20's to 60's, and as we shared our life stories, many common threads emerged along with many tears. To be in a circle where others inherently understood the challenges of the journey, the aloneness and the need to gather together for both personal and professional support was extraordinary.

Our meetings include a potluck brunch, a song sharing circle and a chance to go deeper and share what is on our hearts, as well as professional projects, questions and visions. Just as the power of the group can uplift each of its members, performing together as a group can uplift the audience in a powerful way. The whole is truly greater than the sum of the parts, and when four to eleven singer/songwriters and performing musicians share their unique musical flavors, the listener is bathed in a rich experience that touches heart and mind.

What is also wonderful is how collaborative projects unfold organically. We currently have 15 members in our group, and we thought it would be wonderful to do a "group showcase" show. Thanks to the support of Tom Bianchi who books the Burren, our group will be performing there on 11/18, and 11 members of the group will be sharing their songs. When I needed to choose back-up singers for my upcoming show 9/27 at Club Passim, it was a natural thought to ask two of my Women In Music Gathering sisters in song, Mary Casiello and Mara Bettencourt to join me. When we perform, we can back each other, not only emotionally and practically, but harmonically!

Last week, four of us sang sets of original songs at a venue in Somerville, and we discovered that two of us had written songs inspired by our four-legged companions. Our group is full of animal lovers, so the idea emerged of doing a show to benefit a local animal shelter. We are now doing our research to identify the date and venue for the show, and determining which of many beloved animal shelters will benefit from our efforts. Once the nuts and bolts are clear, we can collaborate with the animal shelter to promote the event, and in doing so, the cause of making sure our four legged companions are well cared for in forever homes.

The model we are building here in the Boston area can be transferred to other cities around the country. Gathering women in music for personal and professional support and collaboration, not only fills a need, but actually inspires. And as we are full and inspired, we touch others through our music and lives.

The Power of We

An inspirational quote that I read recently reflected that if we do things alone, we can get to a destination faster, but if we do things together, we can go much farther. As individual people, when we get clear on our vision, and act on that vision, we are powerful. Yet, when we join with others, share our visions, and support each other in the journey, our power grows exponentially. I call this exponential power, "the power of we."

When I was in graduate school, I remember learning that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And as I worked in the beginning of the organizational transformation movement, I learned that organizations are actually organisms. This lens brings a wonderful consciousness to the founding and development of groups and the projects they undertake. If a group is understood to be a living organism, and each member of a group is a unique, crucial and creative part of the whole, great and unexpected outcomes can emerge and grow.

When two people join together on a common goal, there are actually three entities they need to attend to: each individual "I" and the collective "we." The needs and goals of each individual "I" are important to define and attend to. Recognizing that an oversoul, the "we" also exists, which might have needs and goals that are related to or different from the individuals' needs allows for the care of the relationship as well as the individuals who comprise it.

If I am founding a new group, I try to identify some common elements that create common ground for potential members. For example, in the new Women In Music Gathering that I am co-founding with Colette O'Connor and Cindy D'Adamo, all our members are women musicians, deeply called to and committed to the personal and creative process of making music. Musicians do so much in isolation that building a community of fellow musicians offers nourishment,support and inspiration. By sharing stories of our personal journeys, we find empathetic listeners and common ground. We do not feel as alone. And special projects can emerge for us to co-create together.

At our first meeting, as we introduced ourselves to the group, articulated what inspired us as musicians, described our journey, and looked at our current projects and vision, we found common ground, found listeners who really understood what we were saying, and recognized that our hearts were touched and great energy was generated as each and every member of our group spoke and shared. This kind of soulful communication invites an organic bonding. And the organic bonding invites collaboration and support for the things that matter most to each and all of us. It could lead to new shared projects, as well as nuts and bolts support for current individual projects. We bond over our common ground.

The dynamics are similar even in different groups and different projects. The recent Cabaret Evening for the Newton Festival of the Arts brought together 8 singers and an accompanist to perform in a 21 song, 90 minute revue. Our goals were to have fun, express ourselves, and provide joy and entertainment to our audience. We each prepared our individual songs and a handful of duets. As the producer, I organized the songs into an order for the performance, balancing tempos, styles, genres, male and female singers, solos and duets....And when showtime came, I can feel the power of the team delivering the show. Each and every singer sang at a high level. We passed the microphone baton from one singer to the next, as though we were in a musical relay event. The show evoked many emotional qualities, including laughter and moments that touched the heart. There was a wonderful collaborative energy. It was clear we all had different pieces to complete one another's jigsaw puzzles. And by the end of the show, we felt like a connected team, each celebrating one another's performance, and celebrating together what we co-created.

The creative process that can unfold when a group of people get together with conscious awareness of the power of we is inspiring, and when carefully tended, can lead to endless and fruitful possibilities and successes.

Emotional Fitness

Many years ago, I found myself coining the term "emotional embody building." I go to the gym all the time, and watch people trying to attain physical fitness. Yet, there are no gyms for us to work out in to develop our emotional fitness. Sometimes developing one's physique is actually part of an emotional defense structure, to keep others at a distance. We need to strengthen our hearts in other ways to be emotionally healthy, and to create a relationship between our emotional fitness and our physical fitness.

Emotional fitness includes developing a healthy sense of who we are. Narcissism seems epidemic, sadly, starting with school age kids. My son brings home countless tales of his 8th grade classmates who are so self-absorbed, they have no clue about the impact of their behavior on others. Without some healthy feedback, and relational coaching, these kids will grow into relationally insensitive, self-absorbed adults.

We hear so much of "entitled" twentysomethings, who have carried on their middle school narcissism, without the benefit of emotional contact and mentoring to help them grow into adults who are both self-defined and relationally conscious.

Emotional fitness also includes the ability to see many sides of any conflict or dilemma. If we take the time to ask what it is like to be in another's shoes, we may see that different experiences, different cultures, different values and different understandings inform why this other person acts as s/he does. When we too quickly move into a "blameframe," we are likely to find ourselves in an escalating conflict where hurt and anger build, and ultimately, nobody really wins.

To truly resolve and move through a conflict, we need to create the safety, the space and the compassion, to hear what it's like from both sides. This expands our frame of reference, and allows for workable solutions we might never have imagined. Mutually empowering conflict resolution requires the complete information that comes from supporting two people to articulate and define their deeper needs.

Emotional fitness includes an authentic humility. If we are truly introspective in life, open to honest and respectful feedback, and allow ourselves to learn from our relationships, a natural sense of humility will start to evolve over time. No one knows everything. We all have blindspots. Well-intentioned behavior may still need tuning to connect with another human being. We all make mistakes. Perhaps it is a paradox that the more we are open to constructive coaching, the more humble and relationally competent we become at the same time!

Emotional fitness cultivates a value for mutuality, collaboration and partnership. When we can truly team with another person, the possibilities of what we can create together expand exponentially. When mutuality and partnership are lacking, we too easily end up competing, polarized or in win-lose scenarios. Mutual, collaborative relationships are self-sustaining and energizing. Competitive and polarized relationships deplete life energy from one or both parties.

Emotional fitness is built on a foundation of respect. This includes respect for self, other, the larger context we share, the things within our grasp and the things beyond our control. Respect and humility go together. We do not take others for granted. We allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable to the moment. Yet, by being grounded in our sense of selves, this vulnerability creates an emotional vitality, a heart power, that expands to include others.

As we become more emotionally fit, we build the foundation to really LIVE in our bodies, and appreciate our innate capacities including intuition. A relationship between two emotionally fit individuals is likely to have clearer and cleaner communication, and feel more enlivening to our hearts and minds.