Intimacy and Love

Stan Dale, the founder of the Human Awareness Institute, taught me a wonderful definition of what "intimacy" is: "in-to-me-I-see." Our ability to look deeply into ourselves, know ourselves and love ourselves provides a foundation for others to look deeply into us, know us and love us deeply. To be loved for who we are, we need to feel safe and secure enough in who we are to let others see us for who we are. To be able to be intimate, however, requires a kind of steady loving presence, be it with self or other. True intimacy cannot grow in a climate of judgment. Joel and Michelle Levy send out wonderful quotes of the day, and here is one that provides a wonderful illustration of what love really means: "Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." --African Saying If we have created the intimacy of loving relationship, and we are deeply seen by someone who loves us, they can remind us of our goodness, our beauty and our wholeness at those moments when we may lose touch with these fundamental truths. Intimacy offers not only a mirror of depth and soulfulness, but also a reminder of our inherent goodness, and the true worth and value of who we are deep down inside. I have often felt intimacy is a food group for the soul. Without it, our souls starve. And with intimacy in gentle abundance, we are nourished and appreciated for who we really are.

Highly Sensitive Men

In her 1997 book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron described the experience of "high sensitivity" as neither a weakness nor a choice, but a matter of wiring and physiology. According to her research, about 15 - 20% of the population qualifies as "highly sensitive." And interestingly enough, equal numbers of men and women have been found to be highly sensitive. While sensitivity overall may be judged as more of a curse than a blessing in many circles, especially the business world, because of gender stereotypes, it is more likely more acceptable to viewed as a highly sensitive as a woman than as a man. If a man is highly sensitive, what does he do in a world full of stereotypes of male tough guys, emotionless corporate leaders and bullies who pick on anyone who shows an inkling of vulnerability? Poet Rick Belden wrote about his experience as a "highly sensitive man," noting that "being a sensitive man remains misunderstood." He describes an experience of trying to get closer with a woman he liked, someone he had worked together with for several years. He had written a book of published poetry and shared it with her. When he asked her what he thought, the response was not what he had hoped for. "I think you are abnormally sensitive for a man," she told him. How sad. And at some level, how tragic. Here, a man took the risk of showing his vulnerable side, and instead of being appreciated, he was judged in a negative way. Belden notes that as a boy, he was humiliated countless times for his sensitivity by both adults and other children. In a culture that attributes tenderness, compassion and sensitivity as primarily feminine qualities, Belden asked "how can I be as sensitive as I am and still be a man?" Belden notes a blogpost by Peter Messerschmidt: "Society has an alarming ability to 'steal the souls' of Highly Sensitive Men, leaving them feeling sad and confused." Our culture lacks heart in so many ways, and more fundamentally lacks emotionally safety. We have to be careful where we let down our guard or disclose our vulnerabilities. Belden also cites Ted Zeff, author of The Strong, Sensitive Boy: "By disowning their sensitive side, many males become half a person." While it hurts to show vulnerability and be judged or attacked, it may hurt even more not to be able to be who you are. One could argue that there is STRENGTH in sensitivity, not weakness, and the sensitive person--male or female--has a special and valuable power to express himself/herself and relate to other people at a much deeper level than the "non-sensitive" person. In fact, the power of sensitivity can add richness and meaning to the experience of life. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to exercise sensitivity. Yet vulnerability and sensitivity can be stronger forces than intellect or brute strength. Sensitivity can pierce the veil of isolation that entraps so many people, perhaps more men than women, walking the earth. Self-acceptance may be the most powerful tool for the highly sensitive man. If you accept yourself for who you are and how you are, then your sensitivity becomes a kind of compassionate sword or even sword of precision discernment, rather than an open wound. If we bring more of the power of the heart to our culture, perhaps highly sensitive men will be held in higher regard than their less sensitive, more analytical counterparts. We need to redefine what power and strength really mean. And when we bring the power of the heart forward, we respect and admire the highly sensitive man, and the gifts he can bring to those he loves and the world at large.

Male Speak For Females

When women speak, do men really hear them? After years of studying communication patterns between men and women, Allison Armstrong, creator of the "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women," workshops discovered that women may not realize men hear best when spoken to in a more natural "male language." Given the history of male and female roles in the evolution of our species, where men were hunters as women tended the home and hearth, men are biologically wired to solve problems, and focus on immediate tasks at hand to protect and care for their loved ones. If a woman uses language that resonates with his desire to protect, solve and care, her words will be most effectively heard. Allison looked at what made men and women feel safest. For men, producing creates safety. When his ability to produce is thwarted, a man will feel a sense of tension or anxiety. If a man is trusted and respected, he feels supported in his efforts to produce results. Women, on the other hand, need connection to feel safe. When a women can't connect, she may feel at risk, unsafe and all alone. Attention and interest help a woman feel connected, If a woman does not feel connected, she will experience tension and anxiety. Here is where understanding male language makes a world of difference. If a good man wants to help, protect or provide for a woman, but the way she is speaking to him does not give him a clear target or a likelihood of success, the woman may actually be thwarting the best intentions of the good man. Here is an example: A woman really wants her partner to go with her to see a movie. Her greatest desire is to have him sit beside her and be close to her, so she can feel connected. If she asks, "Hey, do you want to see 'XYZ' movie with me, the man may very well say no, unless he happens to be really interested in that movie." The woman will feel disappointed, because he won't be sharing time with her. If instead she asks her question in a way that gives her male partner a better target, "Hey, I love to spend time with you and feel connected to you. Going to see "XYZ" movie on Saturday would make me really happy," the answer is more likely to be yes. Realizing that good men WANT to make their loved ones happy helps a woman understand that it is not just what she wants but how she communicates what she wants that makes all the difference in her connection with the man she loves. Men respond well to language that gives them a clear target. Being told, "here is a problem I have to solve," gives a clear target. Being told, "I need help with the following situation," also gives a clear target. Because men want to make the women they love happy, being told what will make a woman happy also gives a man a clear target. Being able to success at solving a problem, helping or making a woman happy, gives a man the good feeling of producing, which helps him feel safe and successful. When the woman sees that the man she loves is indeed solving problems, helping and doing things that make her happy, she feels connected and loved. Perhaps much of the tension between men and women can be eased by understanding some of our primal drives and language that can help us bridge the gender gap. How men and women react to problems is different based on this wiring. Men tend to hone in on a very specific goal and keep a very strong focus until the goal is achieved. If a man decides the goal is not likely achievable, he will quickly drop it and move on to something else that is more likely to yield success. Women, who are biologically charged with the task of keeping babies alive, will come up with an endless list of possibilities how to solve a problem, care for a loved one and make a relationship work. If something that really matters does not seem achievable, women are less likely to drop it and more likely to find a creative way to succeed, against all odds.

When Forgiveness Is Not Good For the Forgiver

We often hear that forgiveness is a virtue, something to always aspire to. Forgiveness leaves people happier and healthier than those who ruminate and hold grudges. The theory goes, that if you can forgive, you can forget. This may be true in many cases, but according to research by Jim McNulty at the Florida State University in Tallahassee, forgiveness can also have its costs. If the person you are forgiving repeats their troubling behavior or takes your forgiveness as a license to behave badly again, there is danger that the forgiver can turn into a "doormat," rather than a hero. Professor McNulty, according to a study cited in the Wall Street Journal, studied the diaries of 135 newlywed couples, and asked each partner to answer the same question each day for a week: "Did your spouse do something today that you didn't like and did you forgive him or her?" He discovered that for people who forgave their partner, they were 6.5 times more likely to report that their partner had done something negative again, in comparison with partners who did not offer forgiveness. In other words, forgiveness of bad behavior can let people off the hook for behaving badly. Dr McNulty notes, "The potential cost of forgiveness is that it doesn't hold the partner accountable for their behavior." Sadly, being a soft touch or having a good heart can turn you into a doormat. If you don't stand up and confront a bully, someone who has transgressed your boundaries or someone who has taken your goodness for granted, you might find yourself feeling like the sacrificial lamb. McNulty found that people who withheld forgiveness fared better than those who offered it when relating to people who repeatedly transgressed known boundaries. It is one thing to forgive a nice person, who made an innocent or unconscious mistake. If the transgressor feels badly about their behavior when called on their mistake and ultimately wants to work to preserve mutuality and equity in a relationship, then forgiveness can be an act of love. Forgiving a person who has demonstrated that they either don't know or don't care about the impact of their behavior on others, may not be the best choice for a healthy relationship. The moral of the story: don't offer forgiveness carte blanche. See if your transgressor is a caring, kind person who will feel remorse for having hurt you and take actions to correct their behavior or if your transgressor shrugs off your hurt as though you and it don't matter. Only forgive those people who truly deserve your forgiveness And as the serenity prayers says, let go of the rest.

Resilience, Self-Worth and Self-Expression: Ben Speaks Louder Than Words

To feel happy, healthy and connected, most human beings need to feel loved and seen for who they truly are. This is particularly true for children, who grow best and thrive when they are in environments that cultivate their authentic selves in a safe, respectful way. Something has broken down tremendously in today's world, where bullying is epidemic from the playground to the boardroom, cutting across age, class, and education level. While we use the phrase "dog eat dog world," I have never seen two dogs attack one another with the intensity and impact of two human beings. We truly live in a "human eat human world," and the consequences are grave for our children as well as ourselves. Judy Giovangelo is working to make a transformational change in the tectonic plates that govern the socio-emotional practices in our schools, in our homes and in our culture at large. She founded Ben Speakes Louder Than Words after losing her middle son, Ben, to suicide on April 16, 2009. Judy shared that when she was presenting at a high school with 850 students enrolled, she learned that 75% had a psychiatric diagnosis and/or were taking psychiatric medication. 50% of the students smoked pot. The numbers are staggering. In our increasingly competitive world, there is no space for human emotion. If emotions are "energy in motion," and we have no room for them to move, our emotions, have to either implode or explode. In this context is it any surprise that cutting, road rage and bullying are epidemic as our emotions explode? Is it any surprise that addictions to food, video games, shopping, internet porn and substances are also epidemic as we numb ourselves to keep from imploding? We are creating a culture of disempowered youth, whose minds and bodies are filled with negative thoughts, words, feelings and actions. We are taught to look outward and feel the void of a connection with our inner voice. Judy's message through her work is that we must transform the way we think, feel, speak and act. We must learn to find our inner voice, and find pathways for meaningful self-expression. We must be the change we seek in the world. And change begins within. Our thoughts and feelings have great power. When we bring positive thoughts and love to our thoughts and feelings, this powerful energy informs our words and actions. Judy does a wonderful demonstration, inviting someone to come to the front of the room, and think about a negative experience while holding out their stronger arm. She invites the person to resist as she pushes down on their arm. Having been her test subject for this experiment, I experienced first hand how little power I have to resist her push when thinking about a negative experience. Judy then invites her subject to think about a positive experience, and pushes down on the weaker arm. When Judy tried this with me, my weaker arm was unmoveable. There is a short demonstration was a visceral illustration of the power of position thoughts. Judy's work invites us to empower ourselves. We must embrace our pain. It is part of being human. And we must meet our dreams with strong positive emotions. Joy creates resilience. We need to learn to take space to dream and set higher goals and take action one step at a time. We need to learn to walk through the world with gratitude, since gratitude only creates more circumstances that evoke gratitude. Judy invites us to live in our hearts, the place our power truly lives. She advocates mind-body practices, like yoga, which help us find this space within. She also underscores the importance of the arts in all forms, so that kids learn to express themselves rather than repress themselves. Whether you talk it out, write it out, sing it out, draw it out, pain it out, dance it out or rap it out, self-expression grows self-worth and self-esteem. At the end of September, Judy produced the 3rd "Concert To Remember" as a fundraiser for Ben Speaks Louder Than Words, but as a living example of the power of self-expression. For more information on this transformational work, e-mail info@benspeaks.org or check out Judy's website www.benspeaks.org

Meeting Our Basic Human Needs Creating A Village to Support Our Children and Ourselves

While Maslow talked about a hierarchy of needs, in our culture we tend to focus on the bottom of the pyramid, our needs for food, shelter and clothing. We often don't think deeply enough about our emotional and spiritual needs. "Self-actualization," which was at the top of Maslow's pyramid, always seemed to be an intangible, hard to grasp concept, unlike the physical and tangible items at the bottom of the pyramid. Clearly, we need food, shelter and clothing to survive, and if our basic survival needs are not met, life is very hard. However, in order to truly live and even thrive, once our food, clothing and shelter needs our met, we have other basic human needs. In 1990, my colleague Brian Schulz and I developed a list of 6 Basic Human Needs. Each one of them is fairly simple, yet most of us live our lives without our "recommended daily allowance" of most of them: 1. The need for abundant, nurturing, non-sexual touch and holding. 2. The need for full expression of emotions and a listener who responds to this expression with warmth, understanding and respect. 3. The need for play and pleasure. 4. The need for satisfying creative work. 5. The need for a satisfying and uninhibited sexual life with a loved and loving partner. 6. The need for immersion in and contact with the natural environment. In a culture that is increasingly virtual, crazy busy, disembodied and moving so fast that many of us lose our grounding, what is basic for the heart and spirit become luxuries or even points of numbness. When we rely on texting and Facebook for our communication, and don't take the time to stop, breathe and go within, we become increasingly disconnected from ourselves, the natural rhythm of life and the world around us. We forget that "the way it is" is not the way it has to be. What kind of template are we passing on to our children? Are we even aware that our own disconnection creates a new kind of poverty in a world of endless material possessions and electronic devices? The emotional and spiritual poverty level is rising, including isolation as a way of life for children and adults alike. Many young people have not been mentored in the art of conversation or even self-expression beyond the texting short cuts. Is it a surprise that when Ben Speaks founder Judy Giovangelo surveyed a high school population of 850 students, 75% had medical diagnoses and/or were taking psychiatric medications? If we do not learn to live in our bodies, express our human feelings, honor our feelings and body sensations as wisdom and personal guidance, and recognize it feels better to have trusted others walking beside us in this journey called life, we only dehumanize ourselves and our children. Children need some basic experiences to provide a foundation to be able to identify and meet their basic human needs as an adult: 1. Abundant, loving, nurturing, non-sexual touch and holding 2. Comfort with our bodies, their movements and sensations. 3. Being listened to with care and respect, with particular attention to our emotional experiences and needs. 4. Mentors, parents and other adult figures who will encourage and cultivate the process of finding our own voice. 5. Time for play, pleasure and fun. 6. Appropriate structure, support and freedom (the magic balance changes with age), as we learn to study, take in knowledge, write and do school work and projects on our own. 7. Immersion and contact with the natural world. 8. Models and rituals of spiritual connection, to teach us to go within as well as look outside to the larger world. To create this template, we need to work together. We cannot do it alone. And working together means face to face gatherings, where we as human beings share time, space and unfolding moments of life. Our cybervillage has certain advantages, but it too easily removes us from the fabric of face to face life. Slowing down, making time for self-care and time with others might seem like a radical concept in today's world. Yet, it is critical for our survival, and even more critical for providing a lost model for today's and tomorrow's children. Let's rebuild the face to face village and not get lost in cyberspace. My hope is that some of us still remember viscerally the joy and value of face to face human contact, and that we have not become sufficiently numbed out, drugged out, self-medicated out, and worked out, that those kinds of sensations, feelings and experiences are just a distant memory. Time to lose our minds and come to our senses! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Heroes and Bystanders

If someone you knew were in danger, what would you do? Would you call for help? Would you risk your life? Would you be so overwhelmed that you would just sit there like a deer in front of the headlights? A 2009 study led by Sara Staats, a professor emeritus at Ohio State University in Newark found that empathy, care and concern for others run high amongst people with "heroic tendencies." What kind of traits might you find in someone who is more likely to help another person in a car crash, a personal crisis or another kind of emergency? * a tendency to frame events positively and expect good outcomes * a strong sense of ethics * above average coping skills * a belief in their ability to tackle challenges and beat the odds * a spiritual belief system that includes a value for giving back * a sense of courage or bravery * a sense of caring and empathy for others As we look at the traits that help distinguish a hero from a bystander, we come up with the definition of one's "character." Here is a simple test that appeared in the August 22 Wall Street Journal, if you would like to measure your heroic potential" "Answer each question on a six-point scale, with 1 being 'strongly disagree' and 6 being 'strongly agree.' * I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me * Fears do not keep me from pursuing my goals * I try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective * Despite numerous setbacks, I usually succeed at getting what I want * Fear does not stop me from doing the right thing * I want to be competent and I believe I can be * Being truthful is extremely important to me" The higher the score, the greater your heroic potential! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks