Meeting Our Basic Human Needs Creating A Village to Support Our Children and Ourselves

While Maslow talked about a hierarchy of needs, in our culture we tend to focus on the bottom of the pyramid, our needs for food, shelter and clothing. We often don't think deeply enough about our emotional and spiritual needs. "Self-actualization," which was at the top of Maslow's pyramid, always seemed to be an intangible, hard to grasp concept, unlike the physical and tangible items at the bottom of the pyramid. Clearly, we need food, shelter and clothing to survive, and if our basic survival needs are not met, life is very hard. However, in order to truly live and even thrive, once our food, clothing and shelter needs our met, we have other basic human needs. In 1990, my colleague Brian Schulz and I developed a list of 6 Basic Human Needs. Each one of them is fairly simple, yet most of us live our lives without our "recommended daily allowance" of most of them: 1. The need for abundant, nurturing, non-sexual touch and holding. 2. The need for full expression of emotions and a listener who responds to this expression with warmth, understanding and respect. 3. The need for play and pleasure. 4. The need for satisfying creative work. 5. The need for a satisfying and uninhibited sexual life with a loved and loving partner. 6. The need for immersion in and contact with the natural environment. In a culture that is increasingly virtual, crazy busy, disembodied and moving so fast that many of us lose our grounding, what is basic for the heart and spirit become luxuries or even points of numbness. When we rely on texting and Facebook for our communication, and don't take the time to stop, breathe and go within, we become increasingly disconnected from ourselves, the natural rhythm of life and the world around us. We forget that "the way it is" is not the way it has to be. What kind of template are we passing on to our children? Are we even aware that our own disconnection creates a new kind of poverty in a world of endless material possessions and electronic devices? The emotional and spiritual poverty level is rising, including isolation as a way of life for children and adults alike. Many young people have not been mentored in the art of conversation or even self-expression beyond the texting short cuts. Is it a surprise that when Ben Speaks founder Judy Giovangelo surveyed a high school population of 850 students, 75% had medical diagnoses and/or were taking psychiatric medications? If we do not learn to live in our bodies, express our human feelings, honor our feelings and body sensations as wisdom and personal guidance, and recognize it feels better to have trusted others walking beside us in this journey called life, we only dehumanize ourselves and our children. Children need some basic experiences to provide a foundation to be able to identify and meet their basic human needs as an adult: 1. Abundant, loving, nurturing, non-sexual touch and holding 2. Comfort with our bodies, their movements and sensations. 3. Being listened to with care and respect, with particular attention to our emotional experiences and needs. 4. Mentors, parents and other adult figures who will encourage and cultivate the process of finding our own voice. 5. Time for play, pleasure and fun. 6. Appropriate structure, support and freedom (the magic balance changes with age), as we learn to study, take in knowledge, write and do school work and projects on our own. 7. Immersion and contact with the natural world. 8. Models and rituals of spiritual connection, to teach us to go within as well as look outside to the larger world. To create this template, we need to work together. We cannot do it alone. And working together means face to face gatherings, where we as human beings share time, space and unfolding moments of life. Our cybervillage has certain advantages, but it too easily removes us from the fabric of face to face life. Slowing down, making time for self-care and time with others might seem like a radical concept in today's world. Yet, it is critical for our survival, and even more critical for providing a lost model for today's and tomorrow's children. Let's rebuild the face to face village and not get lost in cyberspace. My hope is that some of us still remember viscerally the joy and value of face to face human contact, and that we have not become sufficiently numbed out, drugged out, self-medicated out, and worked out, that those kinds of sensations, feelings and experiences are just a distant memory. Time to lose our minds and come to our senses! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Heroes and Bystanders

If someone you knew were in danger, what would you do? Would you call for help? Would you risk your life? Would you be so overwhelmed that you would just sit there like a deer in front of the headlights? A 2009 study led by Sara Staats, a professor emeritus at Ohio State University in Newark found that empathy, care and concern for others run high amongst people with "heroic tendencies." What kind of traits might you find in someone who is more likely to help another person in a car crash, a personal crisis or another kind of emergency? * a tendency to frame events positively and expect good outcomes * a strong sense of ethics * above average coping skills * a belief in their ability to tackle challenges and beat the odds * a spiritual belief system that includes a value for giving back * a sense of courage or bravery * a sense of caring and empathy for others As we look at the traits that help distinguish a hero from a bystander, we come up with the definition of one's "character." Here is a simple test that appeared in the August 22 Wall Street Journal, if you would like to measure your heroic potential" "Answer each question on a six-point scale, with 1 being 'strongly disagree' and 6 being 'strongly agree.' * I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me * Fears do not keep me from pursuing my goals * I try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective * Despite numerous setbacks, I usually succeed at getting what I want * Fear does not stop me from doing the right thing * I want to be competent and I believe I can be * Being truthful is extremely important to me" The higher the score, the greater your heroic potential! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Women, Men, Space and Power: Not Giving Up Me to Be Loved By You

When my colleague Margaret Paul wrote the book, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, with her now ex-husband, Jordan Paul, that title always struck a chord in me. As a woman, I was raised to "please my man," which meant being nurturing and submissive and putting his needs ahead of mine in the name of love. For many, many years, I tried hard to be a "good woman," a "good wife," and a "good partner," yet instead of being valued and appreciated for my goodness, I would find myself being taken for granted. One of my friends even gave me a book on "how to be a bitch," thinking it would help me get better results with the men in my life! Social expectations of making a loved one happy at one's own expense go both ways. Men seek to show their love by pleasing the woman they love, and in doing so, often give up some of their core masculine power, ending up feeling unappreciated and taken for granted in the same way I did as a "good, loving woman." Over time, what has become clearer and clearer is that the juice in relationships is most juicy when we stay true to ourselves and our core sense of power. Rather than just trying to please the other person, it is critical that we stay anchored in ourselves. A good man who wants to make a woman happy, might go over his own edge and cave in on who he is and what he needs, an important lesson for woman and men both from the work of Allison Armstrong. Like Allison, I have found now that I am safest when a man stands up to me and holds his ground. I do not want a man I love to cave in. If that happens, I feel like he has emasculated himself and I am left feeling effeminated (the female equivalent of emasculation, which I wrote about in last month's newsletter). Allison notes, "Sometimes we're our own worst enemies, and we most need our partners to protect us from ourselves." Allison also believes that "a confident, authentic woman, a woman who is true to herself, is the most attractive and inspiring to men....A woman's integrity can save a man in his most desperate moments." Sadly, as a woman becomes more attracted to a man, or as she surrenders into her feminine, and becomes more vulnerable and dependent, she is likely going to feel pulled to adapt to do what she thinks will please him the most. Allison reflects that women are peacekeepers and conflict avoiders, and will do whatever it takes to keep the peace, "even when it's contrary to her values and what she needs to maintain her sense of self." It is critical when we engage in love relationships that we preserve our own internal sense of space--the space to stay true to ourselves, our values and our passions, and not lose this space by "caving" in an effort to please the other person. We all need a certain amount of time and space to breathe, to be and to maintain of sense of self. "When we collapse our space, the person who is most loved and needed by our partners disappears." While it might feel like a relief to avoid an argument or conflict, short-term, in the end, the collapse of our own space and/or our partner's space leaves us "truly alone," as we and/or they disappear. To create truly empowered relationships, we need to make agreements with ourselves and our loved ones to hold our space. Conflict or disagreement can be a ground for learning and better understanding. And there can be juice is standing our power, with respect, even when we are not on the same page. Relationships best grow and thrive when we don't feel we need to give up "me" to be loved by "you." Coyright 2012 Linda Marks

How Grace Grows Power

I have always liked the image of the leader who exercises his or her power by helping other people learn to lead themselves. Some of the greatest teachers I have had have also been the most humble. Thomas Berry, a great theologian, who I was fortunate enough to dialogue with when I was writing my first book, Living With Vision: Reclaiming the Power of the Heart impressed me with his grace and humility, which only fortified his wisdom and his impact on me. When a leader puts a graceful foot forward, his/her message is most easy to receive and digest. Sadly, we have too many examples of heavy handed leadership, and the kind of power that is traded in a zero sum game. In this model of power, if I have more power, you have less. If you take up the lead, I am threatened, because I move down the ladder on the food chain. Heavy handed leadership disempowers in the long run, and sometimes in the short run. When power is infused with grace, if I have more power, I can use it to put wind underneath your wings and help you fly. If you fly, I can celebrate your movement and direction. And whether I take joy in having been part of your movement or simply take myself out of the equation and celebrate YOU, there is more joy, energy, possibility and power with the graceful hand. Power with grace is also power with heart. The heart has enough space to see and embrace people for who they are, what they have to offer, with a soul deep lens rather than a critical judge. Hearts do not operate from the zero sum game model. Instead, power with heart only grows more power. Like a plant shooting of a tendril, which can be planted in a new garden spot to create more life. Heart power nourishes and fertilizes. Heart power enlivens and promotes growth. And heart power, when grounded knows no bounds in the best kind of way, while also respecting our own internal boundaries and the boundaries of others. The natural world offers many examples of power with grace. If you sit under a large tree in the summer, you can feel the solidity of its trunk and the expanse of its branches, and also bask in the protection it offers you from the summer sun. The tree is quiet and needs no compensation for being there with and for you. It just is there. The tree offers power through being. Rocks also provide power with grace. Whether you sit on one by the ocean or lean your back against one in the woods, the rock, like the tree, is just there, and offers power through being. If we can learn to recognize that power can the expression of life force and passion arising from within, naturally, when we are connected and move from our hearts and souls, we can be purveyors of graceful power--a power that empowers, instead of takes away. May we learn from the great wise ones, whose humility is as notable as their words and actions. May we strive to cultivate and nurture graceful power from the inside out. The world will be transformed to a much safer, more joyful and sustainable place. Copyright 2013 Linda Marks

Efemination: A Female Parallel to Emasculation

When I started interviewing men for my book Healing the War Between the Genders: The Power of the Soul-Centered Relationship, one theme I heard frequently from the men I interviewed was how women, on the one hand, complained that men never talked or shared their feelings, yet on the other hand, if they did take the risk of talking, interrupted them, judged them, and got angry at them rather than just listening and honoring them for speaking. The issue of men feeling emasculated by the women in their lives surfaced as an important theme. Men need to be trusted and feel honored by the women in their lives. Men want to make women happy and they need clear targets to succeed in doing so. If rather than giving a man a clear sense of what will make her happy and then appreciating him when he does exactly what she asked, a woman just complains and focuses on all the things the man isn't doing right, the woman undermines the man's innate sense of power and masculinity. Recently, I have begun to realize that just as women can emasculate men--meaning, undermine the man's innate sense of power and masculinity, men can undermine a woman's innate sense of power and femininity as well. However, I have never encountered a word for this. So, I am choosing to coin one: "efemination." Just as a man needs to feel trusted and honored and appreciated for the ways he tries to make a woman happy, a woman needs to feel that a man is really there for and with her, making sure she is safe, and taken care of enough to surrender into her receptive feminine essence. David Deida writes about the masculine-feminine polarity--and to the degree a man embodies and acts from a rootedness in his sense of masculine energy, a woman can surrender into the softness and vulnerability of her feminine energy. If a man asks a woman to always take care of him, clean up his messes, and lead with her masculine side, there is no room for her to surrender into her feminine energy. This kind of behavior "effeminates" a woman. I can think of several experiences I have had repeatedly in my life where I have felt "efeminated" by the men around me: The simplest one is when a man says he will do something: call me, make a restaurant reservation or do a project, and then he "drops the ball," and does not keep his word, I am put in the position of being "the bitch" who has to hold him accountable, since he is not holding himself accountable. Having to remind a man that he did not keep his word or do what he said he would do is NOT fun to have to do. And the response, no matter how gently and graciously the message is given, is rarely positive. Men don't like to disappoint women. They don't want women "angry" at them. Yet, if a man does not keep his word and a woman follows up to ask what happened, it sets the woman up to be "disappointed" or perceived as "angry." Another example has happened on several occasions. Me and several other men need to drive a long distance to a meeting or conference. Somehow, my car is the one that is selected for the journey. And each of the three men driving with me comes up with a reason they cannot drive the long distance to the event. I remember vividly when I was driving 3 1/2 hours to a conference in NY more than 20 years ago, and had offered a ride to one male colleague. A second male colleague then asked to join us. And the organizer of the conference asked if I might also include a third male colleague, one who knew my other two colleagues, but who I did not know. I do not particularly enjoy driving on highways long distances. And at times in my life, I have even been "highway phobic"--getting panic attacks when driving on the highway too long, or with too many large trucks or speed demons on the road. I voiced my feelings about driving on highways long distances to my three males colleagues, and asked for some assistance. The responses were: "My back hurts. I can't drive," from the first colleague. "I'm sick. I don't feel well," from the second colleague. And I did not even know the third colleague. He was a total stranger. So, the whole situation felt very awkward indeed. We set out on the road with me driving the three male colleagues, feeling very badly about the situation. Why did their needs to be taken care of trump my vulnerability? What would have happened to these three men if I was not there to drive the car? Would they have not made it to the conference? Or would they have had to rise to the occasion and come up with another solution? I found myself feeling "efeminated." I was being asked to "take care of" these men. And they had little regard for my vulnerability or need, in spite of the fact that I stated that it really wasn't okay for me to be driving for 3 1/2 hours. In situations like these, when men just take for granted that a woman, in this case, me, will pick up the ball and take care of things, to push back is very uncomfortable and often does not end well. I have learned to set my boundaries. I can very gently say, "this is how I feel" or "this is what I need" or "it would be very helpful to me if you could ......" But if my listener misses the message, and just wants to hook up to what my friend Brenda many years ago called "the cosmic tit," my voice is not heard and my attempts to be considered are in vain. If I am fortunate enough to have a listener who believes relationships are a two way street, and mutuality and balance are key--including between men and women, the result is a much more comfortable solution. If in the driving situation, a man says, "I understand. Neither of us really like to do this. How about I drive one way and you drive the other?" I feel more space to surrender into my feminine core. If the men say, "You should not have to take on the burden of driving us. It is our job to help you too," there is even more space to surrender into my feminine essence. When women talk about men as "big babies," perhaps what they are saying at a deeper level is that they feel "efeminated" by the men in their lives. They do not feel the men are bringing masculine energy to them, and they feel forced to move into the masculine for things to get done. Being able to shift our consciousness as men and women and realize that no one wins if we emasculate men or effeminate women. And everyone wins when we are able to support both men and women in coming from their true essence and power. Copyright 2013 Linda Marks

Moving Beyond Relationship Duress

A colleague of mine recommended a powerful new book that shed great light on why we are struggling so greatly in relationships today. The book, Sex 3.0 by JJ Roberts, traces the evolution of human relationships from our pre-industrial days when nature guided human behavior, to our modern world, where a long list of societal rules and expectations demand what is "normal"and "acceptable" in relationship behavior. Roberts points out that what is "natural" and what is "normal" are not necessarily the same thing. Those things defined by nature are "natural." Those things that are defined by society are "normal" and often they are NOT "natural." In some cases, they are truly not healthy. When we are "forced" into following social norms, so that we are perceived as "normal" and "acceptable," we find ourselves experiencing "relationship duress." Relationship duress is when people in a relationship feel unspoken or spoken pressure to build a "fence" around a relationship because they are SUPPOSED to do so. For example, if a couple has been dating for a couple of years, they may feel internal and external pressure to get married. While marriage is a perfectly good thing, when two people define what marriage means to them personally and make a decision to get married because it has personal meaning to them, that is a completely different situation than the many couples I have worked with who got married because they and/or their families thought they "should." The phrase "make me an honest woman" or "make me an honest man" in reference to getting married versus continuing to have a loving, sexual relationship but not be married, illustrates the societal pressures to sculpt a relationship into a form to be "normal" and "acceptable," rather than because it has inherent meaning to the two people in the relationship. Marriage is just one example of a societally expected "fence" that we "should" put around a relationship. Some people feel "obligated" to have children, whether or not they truly wish or have the skills to parent young human beings from birth to adulthood. Getting a corporate job may be the result of societal pressure, rather than a personal journey to define right livelihood. We "fence" ourselves in many ways without deep thought, and often, without the consciousness that there is another way to take life's journey. All forms of relationship evolved at a time in our history where they made sense. Once upon a time what we call "traditional gender roles," were necessary for our survival. Men needed to hunt and farm. Women needed to tend to the home and hearth and raise the children. As our world evolved to the 1950's model of relationship, the man was the "breadwinner" and the woman was the "homemaker." This distribution of labor helped a family unit have its practical and domestic needs met. In 2012, the models that evolved out of previous eras may need to be updated so that we do not feel trapped under the weight of relationship duress. Men and women both work. Men and women both earn money. Men and women both have parenting gifts to provide to their children. Couples need not be just men and women, but men and men and women and women. And for some people, gender does not fit neatly in a "male" or "female" box. Trying to fit ourselves into societally defined boxes creates relationship duress, including with our relationship with self! Roberts feels that a healthy basis of relationship is "mutual reward," regardless of its force. If two people feel a connection and can contribute to one another's lives in mutually rewarding ways, then there is a healthy basis for the relationship. Roberts notes, "In life, the most valid choices are the ones you truly choose." So, if we remove the pressure to box or fence or overly define our emotional and spiritual connections with loved ones, and instead focus on what resonates, what makes us happy, what brings us joy and what feeds our souls, we are likely to invest in relationships because they are healthy, rather than because we feel societal pressure to do so. I believe people will naturally take responsibility for their connections, make commitments that assure safety and respect for themselves and those that they love if they are given the space to build relationship on a foundation of love, connection and authenticity. If you enjoy someone's company, why would you not want to spend more time with them? If you and a loved one develop skills to work through differences and ride the rapids of life, why would you leave someone who you have been building a history with? Giving ourselves and our relationships the space to be build on love, connection and true choice, following their own trajectory with their own unique timing, can move us beyond relational duress and into a space of helping one another be the best and happiest people we can be. Copyright 2012 Linda Marks

Electronic Cocaine: The Seductive Pull of Computers

The other day I was thinking of taking a glance at my e-mail while driving, though I know the practice of checking incoming messages on a handheld device is now illegal. I looked ahead and saw a policeman down the road. "Okay. Bad idea," I said to myself. As I approached him, however, I saw that he was not even looking in my direction, attention firmly glued to his own handheld device. He was typing and reading with all his attention. I could have been typing while driving and he would not have even noticed that I drove by, never mind was doing something I shouldn't do. Wow! Our addiction to our computerized devices can render us oblivious to the world around us, to the here and now. Dr. Peter Whytbrow, director of UCLA's Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, believes that the chronic state of distraction that is epidemic today, as people text, glance at wall-mounted TV screens and constantly check e-mails, even as they sit in close proximity with other people, illustrates "how modern American culture has outrun the biology of our brains." With the growth of the Internet, the ever-increasing capability of the handheld device, and a world that seems to know no bounds, Whytbrow observed "a dangerously rising tide of growing psychosocial stress and shrinking physiological balance." "Many of the usual constraints that prevented people from doing things 24 hours a day--like distance and darkness--were falling away," says Whytbrow. Our way of life was becoming manic, marked by "excitement over acquiring new things, high productivity, fast speech--followed by sleep loss, irritability and depression." The physiological consequences of our manic way of life are significant, including "epidemic rates of obesity, anxiety and depression." People have drunk the Kool-Aid and now thoughtlessly walk "down this path of continuous stimulation." We cannot seem to control ourselves. Whytbrow asked WHY? His conclusion? "The computer is electronic cocaine for many people," he reflects. "Our brains are wired for finding immediate reward. You essentially become addicted to novelty." We become entrapped in the wiring of our reptilian brains, where responding to any psychosocial challenge "triggers some measure of the fight or flight response." We are not running away from sabertooth tigers. We are fighting off work overload, feeble attempts at "work-life balance," and rush hour traffic. Stress is not short-term and done, but long-term and chronic. We learn to become "aggressive, hyper vigilant and overreactive," according to Whytbrow. Our cortisol levels go up, contributing to anxiety and obesity. Is it a surprise that anxiety is now, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, "the nation's most common psychiatric complaint?" How do we learn to switch it off? Becoming aware that we are in a electronic haze or trance, and that we are becoming high performing lemmings, ready to throw ourselves off the psychic and emotional cliffs of life without the blink of an eye, is the first step. Learning how to stop, slow down, take a time out and meditate, relax, take a walk, close our eyes and take a deep breath are CRITICAL skills for both our mental and physical health. If we do not know how relaxation feels like, it is too easy to carry on in the addictive fog of overactivity. We need to learn to get grounded from the inside out, and to let our lives belong to us, rather than giving our power away to be doing other people's priorities. Awareness is the first step. What we focus on expands. So, time to focus on taking space and slowing down! Copyright 2012 Linda Marks Quotes come from "Manic Nation: Why Americans Are Anxious, Stressed, Depressed and Fat (And What We Can Do About It" by Mary Fischer, published in the Pacific Standard.