Next time your male partner sits on the sofa and proceeds to veg out in front of the tv, rather than complaining, say "thank you." By relaxing on the sofa, his body can literally let down from the stress of the day and generate more testosterone to bring to you in the bedroom or bring to the world as he works diligently by day.
And the next time your female partner needs to talk when she is emotionally upset, realize she is trying to take care of her physical health as well as her psychological health, so she can be closer to you. The part of the brain that regulates emotional response in women under stress is 2 1/2 times greater than in men. A woman needs to talk to destress.
The most recent work of relationship expert John Gray shows how what men and women really need has a lot to do with their hormones. Understanding our most basic and primal wiring is key to appreciating what will make us happy.
As society has changed, roles for men and women have also changed. And with the change in roles have come changes in what men and women need to feel loved and understood. Women have moved out of the need for security that was present decades or centuries ago. To find fulfillment in today's world, women need to focus on their needs for intimacy, romance and connection.
Women are becoming more stressed in our testosterone driven culture. In fact, John Gray notes that women's happiness levels are steady declining. Women need to be seen, heard, touched, felt, and need to feel connected, not alone, and supported at an emotional level. As the stress level goes up for women, these needs increase.
Women are designed to be emotionally activated under stress. This leads to feelings and a need to talk about what she is feeling. Being able to speak and be heard releases her stress. Giving also reduces stress for a woman. Women need to practice self-care and find ways that nurture them, and not just look to men to get their needs met.
When a man is under stress, he is wired to do something (fight) or forget it (flight). Men are moved to do, fix, or act. Men have an off switch where they can go blank, in contrast to a a woman's brain that speeds up under stress. For men to engage in decompression activities where they get to use their "off switch" is key to destressing and rejuvenating.
These hormonal differences suggest some important coaching tips so men and women can love and support each other more effectively and both genders can get primal needs met.
If a woman is stressed out and lets her male partner know that by listening to her for 10 - 15 minutes will make her feel better, then he can "do" something that will "fix" her "problem." If she then thanks him for listening and letting her know how much she appreciates it, that will help the man feel good about the interaction. Men like to make women happy. If a woman can learn to ask for what she needs in a frame that lets the man succeed at this task, it is a super win-win.
Likewise, if a man needs to chill out in front of the tv, if he can let his female partner know he needs to decompress for a bit, and invite her to sit next to him, he can enjoy her company, and also have the space to decompress. Being able to sit quietly for a period of time may be as nurturing for the man as being able to talk or vent for a period of time is for his woman partner.
While none of us are linear gender stereotypes, and both men and women have both male and female energy, these coaching tips for our primal roots can still be helpful as we navigate a world of changing gender roles.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why Incompatibility Is A Crucible For Love
When people leave relationships, often they speak of "incompatibilities." Incompatibility does not need to mean deal breaker, And even more so, relationship experts Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt note that ALL right relationships have incompatibilities. It is the nature of relationship and the nature of the deepening of intimacy and love.
When people first fall in love, they feel a connection with their partner, and often focus on the sameness and the feeling of connection. The sameness and feeling of connection are real, however, as intimacy deepens, there is more under the surface that is not as cozy and comfortable as the sameness and connection in the new relationship energy stage.
Hendrix and Hunt believe the purpose of relationship is unconscious. The unconscious purpose is to heal the wounds of childhood and grow up and become whole. That is why we go from "falling in love," to what I call "the shadow lands." Rather than fighting or competing for scarce resources like wounded children, we need to become co-healers. Hendrix and Hunt reflect that because there was an emotional or physical absence of a caretaker at critical moments in our developmental experience, we experienced the wounds of "ruptured connection" or "missing connection."
Connection in the present with a beloved partner repairs the ruptured connection that is still alive in the memory from our childhoods. Hendrix and Hunt assert that incompatibility is not only the NORM for relationships, but also it is the GROUND of intimate partnership. When we fall in love with someone, as intimacy deeper, painful memories are triggered and emerge to heal. We blame our partners, which leads them to put up their defenses. We get used to living with a defended partner. If we can learn to provide enough safety for our partner to let down their defenses, a new vulnerable person emerges.
We fantasize that a compatible person is someone just like us so there is no conflict or tension. This is not reality. It is not how nature works, according to Hendrix and Hunt. We require the tension of opposites to heal and grow. The nature of relationship is the person you are deeply attracted to WILL have incompatibilities. And this is the opportunity of the relationship. . If you do not recognize this, it will lead to ruptures in the relationship, and if people are truly not conscious about this pattern, they may leave someone they really love.
Hendrix and Hunt note that in any couple the two people polarize into two roles: the "turtle" and the "hail storm." When stress comes, the turtle withdraws. When stress comes, the hailstorm needs to talk, analyze and figure things out. There is a precious gift in the polarization, even if it feels uncomfortable. The hail storm needs someone to slow them down and ground them. The turtle needs someone to pull them out of their shell. No matter how uncomfortable this tension is, it is very necessary. The hail storm needs to become more like the turtle and slow down, and the turtle needs to become more like the hail storm and speak up.
Rather than withdraw, the turtle needs to mirror the hailstorm and show they hear and understand what the hailstorm is saying. If the hailstorm is first mirrored and then is asked, "is there anything I can do to support you right now?" the hailstorm will calm right down. The hail storm needs to honor the turtle's process and give them space. If the hail storm tells the turtle, "I am available for connection if you and and when you are," the turtle will know they can take their space and then reach out. Both polarities need to learn to regulate their energy.
The bottom line is that incompatibility is normal and healthy. We need to develop skills to work with and grow from incompatibility. Hendrix and Hunt suggest three things to transform incompatibilities:
1. Create safety: Don't speak for your partner and tell them how they are. Don't judge them, blame them or criticize them. Talk about your own experience without judgment or blame.
2. Commit to healing each other's wounds: Your partner is not a monster taking all the emotional oxygen out of the relationship. Recognize they were wounded in childhood and need to heal. Learn what they need and give it to them. Hendrix and Hunt call this "stretching into your partner's need system."
3. Learn to sit in the tension of conflict or incompatibility until a new, third possibility emerges: Instead of using your lower brain to analyze what's wrong, move your energy to higher cerebral functioning to create win-win solutions. Do creative problem solving. Sit in the tension until a new solution emerges that includes both apparently incompatible polarities.
Rather than say you are in the wrong relationship, if you really love your partner, know you are in the right relationship. This resonance, if you stay connected to it, gives you the emotional bond to sustain the relationship when, as Hendrix says, "the dream becomes a nightmare." This takes consciousness, care, commitment and a real value for the love.
Note: The content for this blog entry came from an interview with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt as part of the Love Summit.
When people first fall in love, they feel a connection with their partner, and often focus on the sameness and the feeling of connection. The sameness and feeling of connection are real, however, as intimacy deepens, there is more under the surface that is not as cozy and comfortable as the sameness and connection in the new relationship energy stage.
Hendrix and Hunt believe the purpose of relationship is unconscious. The unconscious purpose is to heal the wounds of childhood and grow up and become whole. That is why we go from "falling in love," to what I call "the shadow lands." Rather than fighting or competing for scarce resources like wounded children, we need to become co-healers. Hendrix and Hunt reflect that because there was an emotional or physical absence of a caretaker at critical moments in our developmental experience, we experienced the wounds of "ruptured connection" or "missing connection."
Connection in the present with a beloved partner repairs the ruptured connection that is still alive in the memory from our childhoods. Hendrix and Hunt assert that incompatibility is not only the NORM for relationships, but also it is the GROUND of intimate partnership. When we fall in love with someone, as intimacy deeper, painful memories are triggered and emerge to heal. We blame our partners, which leads them to put up their defenses. We get used to living with a defended partner. If we can learn to provide enough safety for our partner to let down their defenses, a new vulnerable person emerges.
We fantasize that a compatible person is someone just like us so there is no conflict or tension. This is not reality. It is not how nature works, according to Hendrix and Hunt. We require the tension of opposites to heal and grow. The nature of relationship is the person you are deeply attracted to WILL have incompatibilities. And this is the opportunity of the relationship. . If you do not recognize this, it will lead to ruptures in the relationship, and if people are truly not conscious about this pattern, they may leave someone they really love.
Hendrix and Hunt note that in any couple the two people polarize into two roles: the "turtle" and the "hail storm." When stress comes, the turtle withdraws. When stress comes, the hailstorm needs to talk, analyze and figure things out. There is a precious gift in the polarization, even if it feels uncomfortable. The hail storm needs someone to slow them down and ground them. The turtle needs someone to pull them out of their shell. No matter how uncomfortable this tension is, it is very necessary. The hail storm needs to become more like the turtle and slow down, and the turtle needs to become more like the hail storm and speak up.
Rather than withdraw, the turtle needs to mirror the hailstorm and show they hear and understand what the hailstorm is saying. If the hailstorm is first mirrored and then is asked, "is there anything I can do to support you right now?" the hailstorm will calm right down. The hail storm needs to honor the turtle's process and give them space. If the hail storm tells the turtle, "I am available for connection if you and and when you are," the turtle will know they can take their space and then reach out. Both polarities need to learn to regulate their energy.
The bottom line is that incompatibility is normal and healthy. We need to develop skills to work with and grow from incompatibility. Hendrix and Hunt suggest three things to transform incompatibilities:
1. Create safety: Don't speak for your partner and tell them how they are. Don't judge them, blame them or criticize them. Talk about your own experience without judgment or blame.
2. Commit to healing each other's wounds: Your partner is not a monster taking all the emotional oxygen out of the relationship. Recognize they were wounded in childhood and need to heal. Learn what they need and give it to them. Hendrix and Hunt call this "stretching into your partner's need system."
3. Learn to sit in the tension of conflict or incompatibility until a new, third possibility emerges: Instead of using your lower brain to analyze what's wrong, move your energy to higher cerebral functioning to create win-win solutions. Do creative problem solving. Sit in the tension until a new solution emerges that includes both apparently incompatible polarities.
Rather than say you are in the wrong relationship, if you really love your partner, know you are in the right relationship. This resonance, if you stay connected to it, gives you the emotional bond to sustain the relationship when, as Hendrix says, "the dream becomes a nightmare." This takes consciousness, care, commitment and a real value for the love.
Note: The content for this blog entry came from an interview with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt as part of the Love Summit.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
The Psychology of Perception: The Danger of Misplaced Attention and Priorities
It is so easy to miss much in life, and even miss the very finest treasures that life has to offer if we focus our attention too narrowly and don't think deeply about our priorities. Perhaps this is why it is so easy to end up as frogs in a pot of boiling water, clueless of our context or how we got there.
The following piece was sent to me by my best friend Brenda. It is a very powerful message not only about the psychology of perception, but also the danger of misplaced attention and priorities.
"THE SITUATION
In Washington, DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Back pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.
About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and without stopping, continued to walk.
At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent--without exception-- forced their children to move quickly.
At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.
This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.
This experiment raised several questions:
* In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
* If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
In we do NOT have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?
Enjoy life NOW....it has an expiration date."
The following piece was sent to me by my best friend Brenda. It is a very powerful message not only about the psychology of perception, but also the danger of misplaced attention and priorities.
"THE SITUATION
In Washington, DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Back pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.
About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and without stopping, continued to walk.
At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent--without exception-- forced their children to move quickly.
At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.
This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.
This experiment raised several questions:
* In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
* If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
In we do NOT have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?
Enjoy life NOW....it has an expiration date."
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
For Love or For Money
While cultural lore argues you can never be too rich, when couples care too much about money,i t may be at the expense of their marriages. In a study of more than 1700 couples, researchers at Brigham Young University and William Patterson University looked at how attitudes about money impacted marriage.
Perhaps it is not surprising that for couples for whom money was less of a priority than love and relationship, scores on relationship quality were 10 - 15% higher than for couples where one or both partners were more materialistic. Couples where both partners were materialistic fared worse than couples where one partner valued love over money.
BYU professor Jason Carroll, who teaches about family life, noted that "Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure." In fact, "materialism itself" created much of the difficulty for dually materialistic couples, including for couples with lots of money. When having lots of money is your priority, the time, care and attention needed to nurture a love connection may fall by the wayside. Love is more deeply nurtured by gestures of goodwill, care and kindness, not by things.
Materialistic couples might also make poor financial decisions, purchasing things they cannot afford, and creating debt, and the financial stress that accompanies these kinds of financial problems. No matter how many things we have, money still cannot buy love! And all the things in the world cannot fill the void in an empty heart!
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Perhaps it is not surprising that for couples for whom money was less of a priority than love and relationship, scores on relationship quality were 10 - 15% higher than for couples where one or both partners were more materialistic. Couples where both partners were materialistic fared worse than couples where one partner valued love over money.
BYU professor Jason Carroll, who teaches about family life, noted that "Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure." In fact, "materialism itself" created much of the difficulty for dually materialistic couples, including for couples with lots of money. When having lots of money is your priority, the time, care and attention needed to nurture a love connection may fall by the wayside. Love is more deeply nurtured by gestures of goodwill, care and kindness, not by things.
Materialistic couples might also make poor financial decisions, purchasing things they cannot afford, and creating debt, and the financial stress that accompanies these kinds of financial problems. No matter how many things we have, money still cannot buy love! And all the things in the world cannot fill the void in an empty heart!
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Post-Traumatic Relationship Stress Disorder
Madison Avenue has told us that without any effort on our part, we are supposed to meet a magical stranger, called "the one," who will love us, commit to us and live happily ever after with us, without ever losing the "new relationship energy" that may accompany the first phases of meeting a new love partner. In this fairy tale, we will just naturally have good jobs, a MacMansion for our home, perfect health, and all the good things in life, never falling upon hard times, conflicts, or the inevitable obstacles that life dishes out to all of us sooner or later. Countless people have embraced this fantasy as truth, and try earnestly over and over again to make the fairy tale real. Sadly, but not surprisingly, they end up with less than magical results.
After experiencing a series of romances--be they dating relationships or marriages-- that leave them disappointed, broken-hearted, disillusioned, betrayed and ultimately, just plainalone, many people start to experience what I am calling "post-traumatic relationship stress disorder."
Trying over and over and over again to build a loving,long-term relationship and ending up abandoned, "nexted," broken-hearted and alone eventually creates an emotional and spiritual state of despair, lack of trust in dating, marriage or the relationship process, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure and a sense of hypervigilance not to make "the same mistake again." Carrying a compounded broken heart wound in need of healing, but lacking a clear pathway to get it, both men and women become commitment phobic, hit unsurpassable walls within or with their partners that create limits to relating or just give up and stand on the relationship sidelines to avoid getting hurt again.
"He just wasn't who he said he was"
"She hadn't gotten over her two failed marriages"
"He wanted to just fill the void quickly, so he latched on to me, but he couldn't sustain the intimacy as the relationship grew"
"She decided it was easier just to be alone"
"He decided that women are too much work"
"She settled for friends with benefits, because a real relationship might neither yield a friendship nor benefits"
"He discovered she was having an affair with a married neighbor across the street"
"She thought he was just working hard at his job, but then she discovered the erotic e-mails from the co-worker he stayed at the office late with"
"I thought s/he was the nicest gal/guy, but I later discovered that I was sleeping with a narcissist."
Stories abound of falling in love initially, but ultimately falling into a relational black hole. How did we become so wounded and ill-equipped to create a life til death do us part?
As our community structures have unraveled, as families have moved further and further apart geographically, as we live in an instant gratification internet culture, where we can replace almost anything with the click of a mouse, we seem to have forgotten the value and importance of working through our differences and standing together against the odds rather than apart.
Some may say that men and women just don't understand each other, and the language barriers between the genders lead both men and women to feel unappreciated and distanced in love.
Therapists and married partners for over 30 years, Gay and Kathleen Hendricks believe that the most important ingredient for a working relationship is willingness. Willingness is a state of mind, of consciousness, of open heartedness, where a man or woman sincerely want to love and be loved, and get beyond past hurts and obstacles to do whatever it takes to love and be loved over time.
They acknowledge that no one ever told us that all relationships go through five stages: romance, the inevitable, the choice point, the result and the re-kindling. No one ever taught us that relationships are living organisms that need care and feeding, just like we do. No one ever told us that we are responsible for loving another person on their own terms as well as our terms, and that compromise is a key part of love. And even if someone told us, we may not have heard or believed them. We aren't given relationship mentors, so we all learn about love the hard way. We don't really learn about what makes love work and be sustained.
The Hendricks believe that couples need to "learn how to shift out of the state of consciousness that generates recycling conflicts, learn how to end blame and criticism and learn how to feel andappreciate the state of consciousness that generates the flow of love and appreciation."
If we truly realize that we need to bring love and appreciation to a loved one each and every day, be willing to "move past our prior experiences of love to wonder open-heartedly about what is possible right now," and shift out of our limiting consciousness that creates conflicts, judgments and other barriers to loving with an open heart, we can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
If we can first love ourselves, and bring a willingess to go the distance with another person, we can stop the cycle of post-traumatic relationship stress disorder that is plaguing too many people I know.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
After experiencing a series of romances--be they dating relationships or marriages-- that leave them disappointed, broken-hearted, disillusioned, betrayed and ultimately, just plainalone, many people start to experience what I am calling "post-traumatic relationship stress disorder."
Trying over and over and over again to build a loving,long-term relationship and ending up abandoned, "nexted," broken-hearted and alone eventually creates an emotional and spiritual state of despair, lack of trust in dating, marriage or the relationship process, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure and a sense of hypervigilance not to make "the same mistake again." Carrying a compounded broken heart wound in need of healing, but lacking a clear pathway to get it, both men and women become commitment phobic, hit unsurpassable walls within or with their partners that create limits to relating or just give up and stand on the relationship sidelines to avoid getting hurt again.
"He just wasn't who he said he was"
"She hadn't gotten over her two failed marriages"
"He wanted to just fill the void quickly, so he latched on to me, but he couldn't sustain the intimacy as the relationship grew"
"She decided it was easier just to be alone"
"He decided that women are too much work"
"She settled for friends with benefits, because a real relationship might neither yield a friendship nor benefits"
"He discovered she was having an affair with a married neighbor across the street"
"She thought he was just working hard at his job, but then she discovered the erotic e-mails from the co-worker he stayed at the office late with"
"I thought s/he was the nicest gal/guy, but I later discovered that I was sleeping with a narcissist."
Stories abound of falling in love initially, but ultimately falling into a relational black hole. How did we become so wounded and ill-equipped to create a life til death do us part?
As our community structures have unraveled, as families have moved further and further apart geographically, as we live in an instant gratification internet culture, where we can replace almost anything with the click of a mouse, we seem to have forgotten the value and importance of working through our differences and standing together against the odds rather than apart.
Some may say that men and women just don't understand each other, and the language barriers between the genders lead both men and women to feel unappreciated and distanced in love.
Therapists and married partners for over 30 years, Gay and Kathleen Hendricks believe that the most important ingredient for a working relationship is willingness. Willingness is a state of mind, of consciousness, of open heartedness, where a man or woman sincerely want to love and be loved, and get beyond past hurts and obstacles to do whatever it takes to love and be loved over time.
They acknowledge that no one ever told us that all relationships go through five stages: romance, the inevitable, the choice point, the result and the re-kindling. No one ever taught us that relationships are living organisms that need care and feeding, just like we do. No one ever told us that we are responsible for loving another person on their own terms as well as our terms, and that compromise is a key part of love. And even if someone told us, we may not have heard or believed them. We aren't given relationship mentors, so we all learn about love the hard way. We don't really learn about what makes love work and be sustained.
The Hendricks believe that couples need to "learn how to shift out of the state of consciousness that generates recycling conflicts, learn how to end blame and criticism and learn how to feel andappreciate the state of consciousness that generates the flow of love and appreciation."
If we truly realize that we need to bring love and appreciation to a loved one each and every day, be willing to "move past our prior experiences of love to wonder open-heartedly about what is possible right now," and shift out of our limiting consciousness that creates conflicts, judgments and other barriers to loving with an open heart, we can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
If we can first love ourselves, and bring a willingess to go the distance with another person, we can stop the cycle of post-traumatic relationship stress disorder that is plaguing too many people I know.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Medication As Magic Bullet: The Shadow Side
Nobody likes to be uncomfortable, physically or psychologically. Who can blame them! When we are uncomfortable, especially when we are in physical or psychic pain, we hurt. We want the pain to go away. Discomfort or pain is important, because it provides clues to what ails us--be it superficial or deep, minor or serious. And when what ails us is serious, some kind of treatment or intervention is most often required, to help us feel better, alleviate our symptoms and reduce our discomfort or pain.
There are many approaches to how we might identify the root cause of an ailment, and what kind of treatment might help us heal. Some approaches use a mind-body perspective. Others use a more scientific or biochemical model. But all in all, as a culture, we have little tolerance for pain and often lack the ability to discern helpful, growth-promoting pain from truly pathological pain which requires a psychological or medical intervention.
Because we don't like to feel our pain, we seek "quick fixes" and immediate "solutions" to rid us of our unwanted pain. And we want our "quick fixes" to "deliver us from evil," with no cost or negative consequence. In our fairy tale story, we have created the "magic bullet" as the pharmacological hero, armed with the power to provide a simple solution to what may actually be a complex problem. Sadly, like most fairy tales, this one may not come true in reality. Our pharmacological hero may not be as simple as we wish for or as all-powerful either.
In his book, Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, Robert Whitaker traces the "'magic bullet' model of medicine" back to sulfa drugs and antibiotics, which were very simple in theory. In each case, doctors defined a cause of a disorder, and developed a linear treatment to counteract it. "Antibiotics killed known bacterial invaders." Likewise, when Eli Lilly developed insulin therapy, it was "a variation on the same theme." Once researchers determined that diabetes was caused by an insulin deficiency, providing insulin to diabetics was a logical solution.
Unfortunately, this concept of drugs when applied to psychiatric ailments did not work as simply or linearly. Whitaker points out that the first generation of psychiatric drugs were called, "antipsychotics, anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants--words that indicate they were antidotes to specific disorders." The big difference here, is that psychiatric ailments are not linear nor uniform. And there is no one ailment to a non-linear disorder. While there may be a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, they are emotional, mental and behavior symptoms whose roots may be in trauma, family history, neglect, unmet needs or struggles in the here and now.
Whitaker notes "the psychopharmacology revolution was born from one part science and two parts wishful thinking." While some psychiatric medications DO help people, what is far too often not discussed is that with any medication there are the desired effects and other effects, often called "side effects." You cannot take a medication and guarantee you only get the desired effects. In some cases, people are far more impacted by the other, lesser talked about effects. Too, the long-term impact of a biochemical solution for what may not have its roots in a biological problem may leave a person weaker and more vulnerable than when they started treatment.
For example, many anti-anxiety medications are addictive, and when a person decides to stop taking them, they are not aware of the withdrawal effects of stopping, including the increased anxiety that may result. Some of the ADD drugs given to children and adults have been correlated with cardiac arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation. In their book, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, authors Peter Breggin and David Cohen note that antidepressants "can cause emotionally and physically distressing and dangerous withdrawal reactions," and may permanently alter brain and body chemistry in less than desirable ways.
These side effects, withdrawal effects, and long-term biochemistry altering effects are often unspoken or less spoken than we might think they should be for a person to make an informed choice about using the biochemical tools that are so readily pushed as "solutions." While I am a firm believer in education about all possible tools that might be helpful in a given health situation, I feel it is very important to paint a complete picture, so we really understand as many consequences of our choices as possible, prior to making them.
I have had many clients go from one medication to the next, hoping to find their magic bullet, only to be disappointed that they have invested time, much and faith in substances that cause unwanted side effects without the intended benefit they wished for.
I have also had clients who gain relief from a medication for a period of time, unaware that they are becoming chemically addicted to the substance, and that they will go through withdrawal if they choose to stop taking it.
I strongly advocate for more complete education about the pluses and minuses of biochemical interventions. I believe it is essential we recognize that there may be no magic bullets, and some of the conditions we are trying to treat are not simple but complex. If we have a more complete understanding of the shadow side of medication, we can benefit from the positive effects consciously, and choose to disengage consciously as well, in appropriate.
©2011 Linda Marks
There are many approaches to how we might identify the root cause of an ailment, and what kind of treatment might help us heal. Some approaches use a mind-body perspective. Others use a more scientific or biochemical model. But all in all, as a culture, we have little tolerance for pain and often lack the ability to discern helpful, growth-promoting pain from truly pathological pain which requires a psychological or medical intervention.
Because we don't like to feel our pain, we seek "quick fixes" and immediate "solutions" to rid us of our unwanted pain. And we want our "quick fixes" to "deliver us from evil," with no cost or negative consequence. In our fairy tale story, we have created the "magic bullet" as the pharmacological hero, armed with the power to provide a simple solution to what may actually be a complex problem. Sadly, like most fairy tales, this one may not come true in reality. Our pharmacological hero may not be as simple as we wish for or as all-powerful either.
In his book, Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, Robert Whitaker traces the "'magic bullet' model of medicine" back to sulfa drugs and antibiotics, which were very simple in theory. In each case, doctors defined a cause of a disorder, and developed a linear treatment to counteract it. "Antibiotics killed known bacterial invaders." Likewise, when Eli Lilly developed insulin therapy, it was "a variation on the same theme." Once researchers determined that diabetes was caused by an insulin deficiency, providing insulin to diabetics was a logical solution.
Unfortunately, this concept of drugs when applied to psychiatric ailments did not work as simply or linearly. Whitaker points out that the first generation of psychiatric drugs were called, "antipsychotics, anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants--words that indicate they were antidotes to specific disorders." The big difference here, is that psychiatric ailments are not linear nor uniform. And there is no one ailment to a non-linear disorder. While there may be a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, they are emotional, mental and behavior symptoms whose roots may be in trauma, family history, neglect, unmet needs or struggles in the here and now.
Whitaker notes "the psychopharmacology revolution was born from one part science and two parts wishful thinking." While some psychiatric medications DO help people, what is far too often not discussed is that with any medication there are the desired effects and other effects, often called "side effects." You cannot take a medication and guarantee you only get the desired effects. In some cases, people are far more impacted by the other, lesser talked about effects. Too, the long-term impact of a biochemical solution for what may not have its roots in a biological problem may leave a person weaker and more vulnerable than when they started treatment.
For example, many anti-anxiety medications are addictive, and when a person decides to stop taking them, they are not aware of the withdrawal effects of stopping, including the increased anxiety that may result. Some of the ADD drugs given to children and adults have been correlated with cardiac arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation. In their book, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, authors Peter Breggin and David Cohen note that antidepressants "can cause emotionally and physically distressing and dangerous withdrawal reactions," and may permanently alter brain and body chemistry in less than desirable ways.
These side effects, withdrawal effects, and long-term biochemistry altering effects are often unspoken or less spoken than we might think they should be for a person to make an informed choice about using the biochemical tools that are so readily pushed as "solutions." While I am a firm believer in education about all possible tools that might be helpful in a given health situation, I feel it is very important to paint a complete picture, so we really understand as many consequences of our choices as possible, prior to making them.
I have had many clients go from one medication to the next, hoping to find their magic bullet, only to be disappointed that they have invested time, much and faith in substances that cause unwanted side effects without the intended benefit they wished for.
I have also had clients who gain relief from a medication for a period of time, unaware that they are becoming chemically addicted to the substance, and that they will go through withdrawal if they choose to stop taking it.
I strongly advocate for more complete education about the pluses and minuses of biochemical interventions. I believe it is essential we recognize that there may be no magic bullets, and some of the conditions we are trying to treat are not simple but complex. If we have a more complete understanding of the shadow side of medication, we can benefit from the positive effects consciously, and choose to disengage consciously as well, in appropriate.
©2011 Linda Marks
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Alexythymia: No Words For Feelings
Feelings and emotions are important because they give a language to our experience where mind and body meet, according to Living In Balance authors Joel and Michelle Levey. Our feelings and emotions help us know what is true for us, and provide guidance both for our own self-care and well-being, and also for our work, relationships and overall health.
Many people suffer, often unknowingly, from an ailment called alexythymia, in which there are no words for feelings. Have you ever found yourself having a strong feeling, yet been at a loss for words? Or is it difficult, in general, to find words for what you feel? Many people who have experienced great stress or trauma struggle to find words for feelings. And many people have never had the opportunity to learn how to translate their feelings into language at all.
Even if it is hard to get in touch with our feelings or find words for feelings, we are still impacted by the waves of life. When experiences impact us strongly at the emotional level, and we have no means of expression, we can feel trapped in an emotional prison, that causes great internal stress.
Creating emotional safety is often a first step in learning to connect with our emotions and feelings, and learning to notice the sensations and energy currents that run through our body when we feel sad, happy, angry, scared, disappointed, or anxious. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations: knots in the stomach, lumps in the throat, tightness in the chest, headache that won't go away.... We have learned to label these experiences as symptoms, which are "bad," and we are supposed to make "go away," rather than understanding that this is our body's way of trying to get our attention to learn what we feel and what we really need. Underneath most physical "symptoms" are emotions and feelings, which when accessed and expressed, help us learn about what is true for us and what we really need.
How do you begin to connect with your feelings to find the voice they invite you to discover? Slow down, sit in a chair, take some deep breaths, and focus on getting grounded. As you inhale, feel the physical contact of your back with the back of the chair, of your pelvis and tailbone with the seat of the chair and of your feet with the floor or rug. Breathe in the physical sensation of the chair and the floor supporting you. Exhale any tension, any stress, any strain in your body and mind. Invite your inner observer to notice any passing thoughts, simply noting them, and inviting them to melt away with your exhale.
As you slow down, relax, quiet and ground, the sensations and feelings in your body and heart are more likely to be noticeable. Invite them to speak to you, letting go of the need to analyze or judge what you find. Write in your journal. Type into your computer. Just notice what you experience and record it.
Initially, you might not notice anything. That is okay. There is a power in just slowing down, getting grounded and creating a space to listen. In time, your body and heart are likely to communicate with you. And as you listen to what your body and heart have to say, you will gain information that will help you put your felt experience into words. Once you can do this, you can choose what to share with friends and loved ones and deepen your connection and communication.
You may even find yourself able to write a "dictionary," translating common feelings, emotions and body sensations into the messages they contain. Giving voice to your body and feelings will reduce your internal stress level and improve your communication with others!
Many people suffer, often unknowingly, from an ailment called alexythymia, in which there are no words for feelings. Have you ever found yourself having a strong feeling, yet been at a loss for words? Or is it difficult, in general, to find words for what you feel? Many people who have experienced great stress or trauma struggle to find words for feelings. And many people have never had the opportunity to learn how to translate their feelings into language at all.
Even if it is hard to get in touch with our feelings or find words for feelings, we are still impacted by the waves of life. When experiences impact us strongly at the emotional level, and we have no means of expression, we can feel trapped in an emotional prison, that causes great internal stress.
Creating emotional safety is often a first step in learning to connect with our emotions and feelings, and learning to notice the sensations and energy currents that run through our body when we feel sad, happy, angry, scared, disappointed, or anxious. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations: knots in the stomach, lumps in the throat, tightness in the chest, headache that won't go away.... We have learned to label these experiences as symptoms, which are "bad," and we are supposed to make "go away," rather than understanding that this is our body's way of trying to get our attention to learn what we feel and what we really need. Underneath most physical "symptoms" are emotions and feelings, which when accessed and expressed, help us learn about what is true for us and what we really need.
How do you begin to connect with your feelings to find the voice they invite you to discover? Slow down, sit in a chair, take some deep breaths, and focus on getting grounded. As you inhale, feel the physical contact of your back with the back of the chair, of your pelvis and tailbone with the seat of the chair and of your feet with the floor or rug. Breathe in the physical sensation of the chair and the floor supporting you. Exhale any tension, any stress, any strain in your body and mind. Invite your inner observer to notice any passing thoughts, simply noting them, and inviting them to melt away with your exhale.
As you slow down, relax, quiet and ground, the sensations and feelings in your body and heart are more likely to be noticeable. Invite them to speak to you, letting go of the need to analyze or judge what you find. Write in your journal. Type into your computer. Just notice what you experience and record it.
Initially, you might not notice anything. That is okay. There is a power in just slowing down, getting grounded and creating a space to listen. In time, your body and heart are likely to communicate with you. And as you listen to what your body and heart have to say, you will gain information that will help you put your felt experience into words. Once you can do this, you can choose what to share with friends and loved ones and deepen your connection and communication.
You may even find yourself able to write a "dictionary," translating common feelings, emotions and body sensations into the messages they contain. Giving voice to your body and feelings will reduce your internal stress level and improve your communication with others!
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