While cultural lore argues you can never be too rich, when couples care too much about money,i t may be at the expense of their marriages. In a study of more than 1700 couples, researchers at Brigham Young University and William Patterson University looked at how attitudes about money impacted marriage.
Perhaps it is not surprising that for couples for whom money was less of a priority than love and relationship, scores on relationship quality were 10 - 15% higher than for couples where one or both partners were more materialistic. Couples where both partners were materialistic fared worse than couples where one partner valued love over money.
BYU professor Jason Carroll, who teaches about family life, noted that "Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure." In fact, "materialism itself" created much of the difficulty for dually materialistic couples, including for couples with lots of money. When having lots of money is your priority, the time, care and attention needed to nurture a love connection may fall by the wayside. Love is more deeply nurtured by gestures of goodwill, care and kindness, not by things.
Materialistic couples might also make poor financial decisions, purchasing things they cannot afford, and creating debt, and the financial stress that accompanies these kinds of financial problems. No matter how many things we have, money still cannot buy love! And all the things in the world cannot fill the void in an empty heart!
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Post-Traumatic Relationship Stress Disorder
Madison Avenue has told us that without any effort on our part, we are supposed to meet a magical stranger, called "the one," who will love us, commit to us and live happily ever after with us, without ever losing the "new relationship energy" that may accompany the first phases of meeting a new love partner. In this fairy tale, we will just naturally have good jobs, a MacMansion for our home, perfect health, and all the good things in life, never falling upon hard times, conflicts, or the inevitable obstacles that life dishes out to all of us sooner or later. Countless people have embraced this fantasy as truth, and try earnestly over and over again to make the fairy tale real. Sadly, but not surprisingly, they end up with less than magical results.
After experiencing a series of romances--be they dating relationships or marriages-- that leave them disappointed, broken-hearted, disillusioned, betrayed and ultimately, just plainalone, many people start to experience what I am calling "post-traumatic relationship stress disorder."
Trying over and over and over again to build a loving,long-term relationship and ending up abandoned, "nexted," broken-hearted and alone eventually creates an emotional and spiritual state of despair, lack of trust in dating, marriage or the relationship process, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure and a sense of hypervigilance not to make "the same mistake again." Carrying a compounded broken heart wound in need of healing, but lacking a clear pathway to get it, both men and women become commitment phobic, hit unsurpassable walls within or with their partners that create limits to relating or just give up and stand on the relationship sidelines to avoid getting hurt again.
"He just wasn't who he said he was"
"She hadn't gotten over her two failed marriages"
"He wanted to just fill the void quickly, so he latched on to me, but he couldn't sustain the intimacy as the relationship grew"
"She decided it was easier just to be alone"
"He decided that women are too much work"
"She settled for friends with benefits, because a real relationship might neither yield a friendship nor benefits"
"He discovered she was having an affair with a married neighbor across the street"
"She thought he was just working hard at his job, but then she discovered the erotic e-mails from the co-worker he stayed at the office late with"
"I thought s/he was the nicest gal/guy, but I later discovered that I was sleeping with a narcissist."
Stories abound of falling in love initially, but ultimately falling into a relational black hole. How did we become so wounded and ill-equipped to create a life til death do us part?
As our community structures have unraveled, as families have moved further and further apart geographically, as we live in an instant gratification internet culture, where we can replace almost anything with the click of a mouse, we seem to have forgotten the value and importance of working through our differences and standing together against the odds rather than apart.
Some may say that men and women just don't understand each other, and the language barriers between the genders lead both men and women to feel unappreciated and distanced in love.
Therapists and married partners for over 30 years, Gay and Kathleen Hendricks believe that the most important ingredient for a working relationship is willingness. Willingness is a state of mind, of consciousness, of open heartedness, where a man or woman sincerely want to love and be loved, and get beyond past hurts and obstacles to do whatever it takes to love and be loved over time.
They acknowledge that no one ever told us that all relationships go through five stages: romance, the inevitable, the choice point, the result and the re-kindling. No one ever taught us that relationships are living organisms that need care and feeding, just like we do. No one ever told us that we are responsible for loving another person on their own terms as well as our terms, and that compromise is a key part of love. And even if someone told us, we may not have heard or believed them. We aren't given relationship mentors, so we all learn about love the hard way. We don't really learn about what makes love work and be sustained.
The Hendricks believe that couples need to "learn how to shift out of the state of consciousness that generates recycling conflicts, learn how to end blame and criticism and learn how to feel andappreciate the state of consciousness that generates the flow of love and appreciation."
If we truly realize that we need to bring love and appreciation to a loved one each and every day, be willing to "move past our prior experiences of love to wonder open-heartedly about what is possible right now," and shift out of our limiting consciousness that creates conflicts, judgments and other barriers to loving with an open heart, we can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
If we can first love ourselves, and bring a willingess to go the distance with another person, we can stop the cycle of post-traumatic relationship stress disorder that is plaguing too many people I know.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
After experiencing a series of romances--be they dating relationships or marriages-- that leave them disappointed, broken-hearted, disillusioned, betrayed and ultimately, just plainalone, many people start to experience what I am calling "post-traumatic relationship stress disorder."
Trying over and over and over again to build a loving,long-term relationship and ending up abandoned, "nexted," broken-hearted and alone eventually creates an emotional and spiritual state of despair, lack of trust in dating, marriage or the relationship process, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure and a sense of hypervigilance not to make "the same mistake again." Carrying a compounded broken heart wound in need of healing, but lacking a clear pathway to get it, both men and women become commitment phobic, hit unsurpassable walls within or with their partners that create limits to relating or just give up and stand on the relationship sidelines to avoid getting hurt again.
"He just wasn't who he said he was"
"She hadn't gotten over her two failed marriages"
"He wanted to just fill the void quickly, so he latched on to me, but he couldn't sustain the intimacy as the relationship grew"
"She decided it was easier just to be alone"
"He decided that women are too much work"
"She settled for friends with benefits, because a real relationship might neither yield a friendship nor benefits"
"He discovered she was having an affair with a married neighbor across the street"
"She thought he was just working hard at his job, but then she discovered the erotic e-mails from the co-worker he stayed at the office late with"
"I thought s/he was the nicest gal/guy, but I later discovered that I was sleeping with a narcissist."
Stories abound of falling in love initially, but ultimately falling into a relational black hole. How did we become so wounded and ill-equipped to create a life til death do us part?
As our community structures have unraveled, as families have moved further and further apart geographically, as we live in an instant gratification internet culture, where we can replace almost anything with the click of a mouse, we seem to have forgotten the value and importance of working through our differences and standing together against the odds rather than apart.
Some may say that men and women just don't understand each other, and the language barriers between the genders lead both men and women to feel unappreciated and distanced in love.
Therapists and married partners for over 30 years, Gay and Kathleen Hendricks believe that the most important ingredient for a working relationship is willingness. Willingness is a state of mind, of consciousness, of open heartedness, where a man or woman sincerely want to love and be loved, and get beyond past hurts and obstacles to do whatever it takes to love and be loved over time.
They acknowledge that no one ever told us that all relationships go through five stages: romance, the inevitable, the choice point, the result and the re-kindling. No one ever taught us that relationships are living organisms that need care and feeding, just like we do. No one ever told us that we are responsible for loving another person on their own terms as well as our terms, and that compromise is a key part of love. And even if someone told us, we may not have heard or believed them. We aren't given relationship mentors, so we all learn about love the hard way. We don't really learn about what makes love work and be sustained.
The Hendricks believe that couples need to "learn how to shift out of the state of consciousness that generates recycling conflicts, learn how to end blame and criticism and learn how to feel andappreciate the state of consciousness that generates the flow of love and appreciation."
If we truly realize that we need to bring love and appreciation to a loved one each and every day, be willing to "move past our prior experiences of love to wonder open-heartedly about what is possible right now," and shift out of our limiting consciousness that creates conflicts, judgments and other barriers to loving with an open heart, we can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
If we can first love ourselves, and bring a willingess to go the distance with another person, we can stop the cycle of post-traumatic relationship stress disorder that is plaguing too many people I know.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Medication As Magic Bullet: The Shadow Side
Nobody likes to be uncomfortable, physically or psychologically. Who can blame them! When we are uncomfortable, especially when we are in physical or psychic pain, we hurt. We want the pain to go away. Discomfort or pain is important, because it provides clues to what ails us--be it superficial or deep, minor or serious. And when what ails us is serious, some kind of treatment or intervention is most often required, to help us feel better, alleviate our symptoms and reduce our discomfort or pain.
There are many approaches to how we might identify the root cause of an ailment, and what kind of treatment might help us heal. Some approaches use a mind-body perspective. Others use a more scientific or biochemical model. But all in all, as a culture, we have little tolerance for pain and often lack the ability to discern helpful, growth-promoting pain from truly pathological pain which requires a psychological or medical intervention.
Because we don't like to feel our pain, we seek "quick fixes" and immediate "solutions" to rid us of our unwanted pain. And we want our "quick fixes" to "deliver us from evil," with no cost or negative consequence. In our fairy tale story, we have created the "magic bullet" as the pharmacological hero, armed with the power to provide a simple solution to what may actually be a complex problem. Sadly, like most fairy tales, this one may not come true in reality. Our pharmacological hero may not be as simple as we wish for or as all-powerful either.
In his book, Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, Robert Whitaker traces the "'magic bullet' model of medicine" back to sulfa drugs and antibiotics, which were very simple in theory. In each case, doctors defined a cause of a disorder, and developed a linear treatment to counteract it. "Antibiotics killed known bacterial invaders." Likewise, when Eli Lilly developed insulin therapy, it was "a variation on the same theme." Once researchers determined that diabetes was caused by an insulin deficiency, providing insulin to diabetics was a logical solution.
Unfortunately, this concept of drugs when applied to psychiatric ailments did not work as simply or linearly. Whitaker points out that the first generation of psychiatric drugs were called, "antipsychotics, anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants--words that indicate they were antidotes to specific disorders." The big difference here, is that psychiatric ailments are not linear nor uniform. And there is no one ailment to a non-linear disorder. While there may be a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, they are emotional, mental and behavior symptoms whose roots may be in trauma, family history, neglect, unmet needs or struggles in the here and now.
Whitaker notes "the psychopharmacology revolution was born from one part science and two parts wishful thinking." While some psychiatric medications DO help people, what is far too often not discussed is that with any medication there are the desired effects and other effects, often called "side effects." You cannot take a medication and guarantee you only get the desired effects. In some cases, people are far more impacted by the other, lesser talked about effects. Too, the long-term impact of a biochemical solution for what may not have its roots in a biological problem may leave a person weaker and more vulnerable than when they started treatment.
For example, many anti-anxiety medications are addictive, and when a person decides to stop taking them, they are not aware of the withdrawal effects of stopping, including the increased anxiety that may result. Some of the ADD drugs given to children and adults have been correlated with cardiac arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation. In their book, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, authors Peter Breggin and David Cohen note that antidepressants "can cause emotionally and physically distressing and dangerous withdrawal reactions," and may permanently alter brain and body chemistry in less than desirable ways.
These side effects, withdrawal effects, and long-term biochemistry altering effects are often unspoken or less spoken than we might think they should be for a person to make an informed choice about using the biochemical tools that are so readily pushed as "solutions." While I am a firm believer in education about all possible tools that might be helpful in a given health situation, I feel it is very important to paint a complete picture, so we really understand as many consequences of our choices as possible, prior to making them.
I have had many clients go from one medication to the next, hoping to find their magic bullet, only to be disappointed that they have invested time, much and faith in substances that cause unwanted side effects without the intended benefit they wished for.
I have also had clients who gain relief from a medication for a period of time, unaware that they are becoming chemically addicted to the substance, and that they will go through withdrawal if they choose to stop taking it.
I strongly advocate for more complete education about the pluses and minuses of biochemical interventions. I believe it is essential we recognize that there may be no magic bullets, and some of the conditions we are trying to treat are not simple but complex. If we have a more complete understanding of the shadow side of medication, we can benefit from the positive effects consciously, and choose to disengage consciously as well, in appropriate.
©2011 Linda Marks
There are many approaches to how we might identify the root cause of an ailment, and what kind of treatment might help us heal. Some approaches use a mind-body perspective. Others use a more scientific or biochemical model. But all in all, as a culture, we have little tolerance for pain and often lack the ability to discern helpful, growth-promoting pain from truly pathological pain which requires a psychological or medical intervention.
Because we don't like to feel our pain, we seek "quick fixes" and immediate "solutions" to rid us of our unwanted pain. And we want our "quick fixes" to "deliver us from evil," with no cost or negative consequence. In our fairy tale story, we have created the "magic bullet" as the pharmacological hero, armed with the power to provide a simple solution to what may actually be a complex problem. Sadly, like most fairy tales, this one may not come true in reality. Our pharmacological hero may not be as simple as we wish for or as all-powerful either.
In his book, Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, Robert Whitaker traces the "'magic bullet' model of medicine" back to sulfa drugs and antibiotics, which were very simple in theory. In each case, doctors defined a cause of a disorder, and developed a linear treatment to counteract it. "Antibiotics killed known bacterial invaders." Likewise, when Eli Lilly developed insulin therapy, it was "a variation on the same theme." Once researchers determined that diabetes was caused by an insulin deficiency, providing insulin to diabetics was a logical solution.
Unfortunately, this concept of drugs when applied to psychiatric ailments did not work as simply or linearly. Whitaker points out that the first generation of psychiatric drugs were called, "antipsychotics, anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants--words that indicate they were antidotes to specific disorders." The big difference here, is that psychiatric ailments are not linear nor uniform. And there is no one ailment to a non-linear disorder. While there may be a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, they are emotional, mental and behavior symptoms whose roots may be in trauma, family history, neglect, unmet needs or struggles in the here and now.
Whitaker notes "the psychopharmacology revolution was born from one part science and two parts wishful thinking." While some psychiatric medications DO help people, what is far too often not discussed is that with any medication there are the desired effects and other effects, often called "side effects." You cannot take a medication and guarantee you only get the desired effects. In some cases, people are far more impacted by the other, lesser talked about effects. Too, the long-term impact of a biochemical solution for what may not have its roots in a biological problem may leave a person weaker and more vulnerable than when they started treatment.
For example, many anti-anxiety medications are addictive, and when a person decides to stop taking them, they are not aware of the withdrawal effects of stopping, including the increased anxiety that may result. Some of the ADD drugs given to children and adults have been correlated with cardiac arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation. In their book, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, authors Peter Breggin and David Cohen note that antidepressants "can cause emotionally and physically distressing and dangerous withdrawal reactions," and may permanently alter brain and body chemistry in less than desirable ways.
These side effects, withdrawal effects, and long-term biochemistry altering effects are often unspoken or less spoken than we might think they should be for a person to make an informed choice about using the biochemical tools that are so readily pushed as "solutions." While I am a firm believer in education about all possible tools that might be helpful in a given health situation, I feel it is very important to paint a complete picture, so we really understand as many consequences of our choices as possible, prior to making them.
I have had many clients go from one medication to the next, hoping to find their magic bullet, only to be disappointed that they have invested time, much and faith in substances that cause unwanted side effects without the intended benefit they wished for.
I have also had clients who gain relief from a medication for a period of time, unaware that they are becoming chemically addicted to the substance, and that they will go through withdrawal if they choose to stop taking it.
I strongly advocate for more complete education about the pluses and minuses of biochemical interventions. I believe it is essential we recognize that there may be no magic bullets, and some of the conditions we are trying to treat are not simple but complex. If we have a more complete understanding of the shadow side of medication, we can benefit from the positive effects consciously, and choose to disengage consciously as well, in appropriate.
©2011 Linda Marks
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Alexythymia: No Words For Feelings
Feelings and emotions are important because they give a language to our experience where mind and body meet, according to Living In Balance authors Joel and Michelle Levey. Our feelings and emotions help us know what is true for us, and provide guidance both for our own self-care and well-being, and also for our work, relationships and overall health.
Many people suffer, often unknowingly, from an ailment called alexythymia, in which there are no words for feelings. Have you ever found yourself having a strong feeling, yet been at a loss for words? Or is it difficult, in general, to find words for what you feel? Many people who have experienced great stress or trauma struggle to find words for feelings. And many people have never had the opportunity to learn how to translate their feelings into language at all.
Even if it is hard to get in touch with our feelings or find words for feelings, we are still impacted by the waves of life. When experiences impact us strongly at the emotional level, and we have no means of expression, we can feel trapped in an emotional prison, that causes great internal stress.
Creating emotional safety is often a first step in learning to connect with our emotions and feelings, and learning to notice the sensations and energy currents that run through our body when we feel sad, happy, angry, scared, disappointed, or anxious. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations: knots in the stomach, lumps in the throat, tightness in the chest, headache that won't go away.... We have learned to label these experiences as symptoms, which are "bad," and we are supposed to make "go away," rather than understanding that this is our body's way of trying to get our attention to learn what we feel and what we really need. Underneath most physical "symptoms" are emotions and feelings, which when accessed and expressed, help us learn about what is true for us and what we really need.
How do you begin to connect with your feelings to find the voice they invite you to discover? Slow down, sit in a chair, take some deep breaths, and focus on getting grounded. As you inhale, feel the physical contact of your back with the back of the chair, of your pelvis and tailbone with the seat of the chair and of your feet with the floor or rug. Breathe in the physical sensation of the chair and the floor supporting you. Exhale any tension, any stress, any strain in your body and mind. Invite your inner observer to notice any passing thoughts, simply noting them, and inviting them to melt away with your exhale.
As you slow down, relax, quiet and ground, the sensations and feelings in your body and heart are more likely to be noticeable. Invite them to speak to you, letting go of the need to analyze or judge what you find. Write in your journal. Type into your computer. Just notice what you experience and record it.
Initially, you might not notice anything. That is okay. There is a power in just slowing down, getting grounded and creating a space to listen. In time, your body and heart are likely to communicate with you. And as you listen to what your body and heart have to say, you will gain information that will help you put your felt experience into words. Once you can do this, you can choose what to share with friends and loved ones and deepen your connection and communication.
You may even find yourself able to write a "dictionary," translating common feelings, emotions and body sensations into the messages they contain. Giving voice to your body and feelings will reduce your internal stress level and improve your communication with others!
Many people suffer, often unknowingly, from an ailment called alexythymia, in which there are no words for feelings. Have you ever found yourself having a strong feeling, yet been at a loss for words? Or is it difficult, in general, to find words for what you feel? Many people who have experienced great stress or trauma struggle to find words for feelings. And many people have never had the opportunity to learn how to translate their feelings into language at all.
Even if it is hard to get in touch with our feelings or find words for feelings, we are still impacted by the waves of life. When experiences impact us strongly at the emotional level, and we have no means of expression, we can feel trapped in an emotional prison, that causes great internal stress.
Creating emotional safety is often a first step in learning to connect with our emotions and feelings, and learning to notice the sensations and energy currents that run through our body when we feel sad, happy, angry, scared, disappointed, or anxious. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations: knots in the stomach, lumps in the throat, tightness in the chest, headache that won't go away.... We have learned to label these experiences as symptoms, which are "bad," and we are supposed to make "go away," rather than understanding that this is our body's way of trying to get our attention to learn what we feel and what we really need. Underneath most physical "symptoms" are emotions and feelings, which when accessed and expressed, help us learn about what is true for us and what we really need.
How do you begin to connect with your feelings to find the voice they invite you to discover? Slow down, sit in a chair, take some deep breaths, and focus on getting grounded. As you inhale, feel the physical contact of your back with the back of the chair, of your pelvis and tailbone with the seat of the chair and of your feet with the floor or rug. Breathe in the physical sensation of the chair and the floor supporting you. Exhale any tension, any stress, any strain in your body and mind. Invite your inner observer to notice any passing thoughts, simply noting them, and inviting them to melt away with your exhale.
As you slow down, relax, quiet and ground, the sensations and feelings in your body and heart are more likely to be noticeable. Invite them to speak to you, letting go of the need to analyze or judge what you find. Write in your journal. Type into your computer. Just notice what you experience and record it.
Initially, you might not notice anything. That is okay. There is a power in just slowing down, getting grounded and creating a space to listen. In time, your body and heart are likely to communicate with you. And as you listen to what your body and heart have to say, you will gain information that will help you put your felt experience into words. Once you can do this, you can choose what to share with friends and loved ones and deepen your connection and communication.
You may even find yourself able to write a "dictionary," translating common feelings, emotions and body sensations into the messages they contain. Giving voice to your body and feelings will reduce your internal stress level and improve your communication with others!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Our Bond of Interconnectedness
In her book, The Bond, Lynn McTaggart suggests that it is the relationships between objects, be they atoms or people, that make all the difference. Life happens in the "spaces inbetween."
Here are some points she makes:
* Subatomically, there is no such thing as an individual thing
* Our bodies are created through so many complex interactions with our environment that they cannot be considered to exist independently
* We understand the actions of others by simulating the entire experience from a personal vantage point as though it were happening to us
* One of our deepest needs is to agree with each other, which manifests in a constant and automatic impulse to synchronize, physically, psychologically and emotionally
* Emotion, always considered wholly individual, is like a virus, transferring from person to person in an endless and unconscious circle of contagion
* We seek belonging above all else: for every $10,000 more your neighbors make than you do, your likelihood of suicide probably increases by 7.5 per cent
* Connecting with others is a matter of life and death: the lone-wolf, Gary Cooper-style all-American hero is a perfect candidate for a heart attack(1)
Much as Americans pursue an image of rugged individualism and self-reliance, these images can become pathological, and distance us from our more primary need to be interconnected with others.
Emotionally, neurologically and biologically, we are not designed to be "islands" or "rocks" that do not cry or feel pain. A healthy heart feels for others and grieves when another experiences hurt or loss.
If we work on valuing one another and investing more time and energy into our relationships (and perhaps less into our work and solo pursuits that leave little time for relationships), perhaps our world will feel less "cold" and "cruel."
Copyright Linda Marks 2011
(1) This list of points was prepared by Lynn McTaggart, author of The Bond
Here are some points she makes:
* Subatomically, there is no such thing as an individual thing
* Our bodies are created through so many complex interactions with our environment that they cannot be considered to exist independently
* We understand the actions of others by simulating the entire experience from a personal vantage point as though it were happening to us
* One of our deepest needs is to agree with each other, which manifests in a constant and automatic impulse to synchronize, physically, psychologically and emotionally
* Emotion, always considered wholly individual, is like a virus, transferring from person to person in an endless and unconscious circle of contagion
* We seek belonging above all else: for every $10,000 more your neighbors make than you do, your likelihood of suicide probably increases by 7.5 per cent
* Connecting with others is a matter of life and death: the lone-wolf, Gary Cooper-style all-American hero is a perfect candidate for a heart attack(1)
Much as Americans pursue an image of rugged individualism and self-reliance, these images can become pathological, and distance us from our more primary need to be interconnected with others.
Emotionally, neurologically and biologically, we are not designed to be "islands" or "rocks" that do not cry or feel pain. A healthy heart feels for others and grieves when another experiences hurt or loss.
If we work on valuing one another and investing more time and energy into our relationships (and perhaps less into our work and solo pursuits that leave little time for relationships), perhaps our world will feel less "cold" and "cruel."
Copyright Linda Marks 2011
(1) This list of points was prepared by Lynn McTaggart, author of The Bond
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Letting People Matter
Have you ever experienced a relationship where your partner said again and again that s/he loved you, yet left easily, and in a heartbeat without looking back? This kind of experience leaves the one left behind feeling confused, hurt, angry, shocked and just plain displaced.
If a loved one is able to leave that easily without remorse, it suggests that they were not entirely attached to their loved one. If someone is truly emotionally attached to a loved one, they cannot leave in the blink of an eye. Leaving would create great pain, and a sense of profound loss which they can anticipate emotionally,and as a result, they are far more motivated to work through emotional difficulties to make a relationship work.
Truly loving someone means letting the person matter. Many avoid this depth of heart opening and intimacy, because losing a loved one from this depth of attachment creates tremendous pain. So, many people protect their hearts and never let themselves open into full emotional attachment, and therefore, never truly let their loved one really matter.
Many people suffer from attachment disorders. Many people have had parents who cannot open into full emotional attachment with their children. As a result they experience chaotic attachment, where sometimes the parent seems to love them, be present to them, be with them, pay attention to them or listen to them, and other times, the parent is not present, is self-absorbed, in unfairly angry at the child, does not pay attention to the child, does not listen to or hear them or overpowers the child with their own wants and needs. If we have not had the experience of a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment when we are young, it is very scary and difficult, if not impossible, to build a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment as an adult.
Letting someone matter requires have a sense of depth and security within our own heart. We need the room in our hearts to let someone in and hold them in the moment and over time. Choosing to MAKE someone matter through conscious actions and thoughts takes a sense of consciousness and a strength of heart. Conscious thoughts and actions, regular rhythms of communication, and regular times together accented through healthy times apart help create a container that holds both the relationship and both people in the relationship.
This kind of container is needed to give space for both the relationship and the people in the relationship to grow. It is a sad paradox that many people are afraid to get boxed into a relationship for fear of losing their freedom and not being able to grow, when in actually, a healthy container holding a relationship allows for both connection and independence, and ultimately personal and relational growth.
When relationships are treated less consciously and intentionally and more randomly, the relational container has holes that leak out energy and the individuals and the relationship may not feel as safe, solid or held.
When people come from backgrounds that lack emotional constancy, there may be comfort in the familiarity of chaos and a fear of the constancy/commitment of a stable, lovig bond. Being able to develop and sustain intimacy requires a sense of trust,constancy and connection that is nurtured through actions and invested time.
If this is unfamiliar, we need experiences that introduce us to the reality that true intimacy, while vulnerable, can also be safe, nurturing and secure.
To really love someone is to both LET them matter, and to act in such a way that you MAKE them matter.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
If a loved one is able to leave that easily without remorse, it suggests that they were not entirely attached to their loved one. If someone is truly emotionally attached to a loved one, they cannot leave in the blink of an eye. Leaving would create great pain, and a sense of profound loss which they can anticipate emotionally,and as a result, they are far more motivated to work through emotional difficulties to make a relationship work.
Truly loving someone means letting the person matter. Many avoid this depth of heart opening and intimacy, because losing a loved one from this depth of attachment creates tremendous pain. So, many people protect their hearts and never let themselves open into full emotional attachment, and therefore, never truly let their loved one really matter.
Many people suffer from attachment disorders. Many people have had parents who cannot open into full emotional attachment with their children. As a result they experience chaotic attachment, where sometimes the parent seems to love them, be present to them, be with them, pay attention to them or listen to them, and other times, the parent is not present, is self-absorbed, in unfairly angry at the child, does not pay attention to the child, does not listen to or hear them or overpowers the child with their own wants and needs. If we have not had the experience of a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment when we are young, it is very scary and difficult, if not impossible, to build a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment as an adult.
Letting someone matter requires have a sense of depth and security within our own heart. We need the room in our hearts to let someone in and hold them in the moment and over time. Choosing to MAKE someone matter through conscious actions and thoughts takes a sense of consciousness and a strength of heart. Conscious thoughts and actions, regular rhythms of communication, and regular times together accented through healthy times apart help create a container that holds both the relationship and both people in the relationship.
This kind of container is needed to give space for both the relationship and the people in the relationship to grow. It is a sad paradox that many people are afraid to get boxed into a relationship for fear of losing their freedom and not being able to grow, when in actually, a healthy container holding a relationship allows for both connection and independence, and ultimately personal and relational growth.
When relationships are treated less consciously and intentionally and more randomly, the relational container has holes that leak out energy and the individuals and the relationship may not feel as safe, solid or held.
When people come from backgrounds that lack emotional constancy, there may be comfort in the familiarity of chaos and a fear of the constancy/commitment of a stable, lovig bond. Being able to develop and sustain intimacy requires a sense of trust,constancy and connection that is nurtured through actions and invested time.
If this is unfamiliar, we need experiences that introduce us to the reality that true intimacy, while vulnerable, can also be safe, nurturing and secure.
To really love someone is to both LET them matter, and to act in such a way that you MAKE them matter.
Copyright 2011 Linda Marks
Thursday, June 23, 2011
TV For Your Soul
"So many channels, so little on." Have you ever felt that way as you skipped through the guide function on your tv? Executive Producer Marie Manning has been working to provide real television nourishment in an age of "empty viewing calories," and "junk food for the spirit." TV For Your Soul offers meaningful alternatives to voyeuristic, competitive, reality tv putting people up against one another in awkward situations.
"All of our shows have positive, uplifting content," reflects Marie. Programs include: "Body, Mind and Spirit," "Empowering Women,""Contributions to Earth,""Room of Ones Own," and "Wedding Essentials." Two shows in the works are "Everyday Goddesses," and "Celebrity Charities."
"We wanted to raise the uality of what people are getting on tv," acknowledges TV For Your Soul Executive Director, Martha Kilcoyne. "People deserve an opportunity to hear messages that can help them rise out of the cultural norm, and not in the context of people fighting on a talk show because it gets good ratings."
Gaining visibility for quality programming has its challenges. Traditional television channels are hard to access. The internet makes it easy to put out more messages to more people, but having a place to put out a 28 minute show with great quality requires deep pockets. The more affordable outlets may compromise the quality of the program you watch.
If you are interested in sampling some of the shows that Marie has produced so far, vignettes are available on www.tvforyoursoul.com.
Marie's vision is to not only produce content with integrity but also to distribute the content with integrity as well. If you want to see full episodes of TV For Your Soul productions, they will be available on demand through LexMedia.
Would you like to help TV For Your Soul grow and reach a larger audience? Ways you can help include:
* Let other people know about TV For Your Soul and send them to the website
* Consider sponsoring an episode for a show or underwriting a series
* Make a donation to TV For Your Soul to help with some needed capital purchases, including back-up drives and storage so that Marie and her team can work with all the footage that they have, a couple better mikes, and funds to help support editors, producers and the people behind the cameras
It is time to rise out of a cultural paradigm that isn't working, and create a new paradigm that is more collaborative, sustainable and empowering. TV For Your Soul is a wonderful vehicle for cultural transformation.
"All of our shows have positive, uplifting content," reflects Marie. Programs include: "Body, Mind and Spirit," "Empowering Women,""Contributions to Earth,""Room of Ones Own," and "Wedding Essentials." Two shows in the works are "Everyday Goddesses," and "Celebrity Charities."
"We wanted to raise the uality of what people are getting on tv," acknowledges TV For Your Soul Executive Director, Martha Kilcoyne. "People deserve an opportunity to hear messages that can help them rise out of the cultural norm, and not in the context of people fighting on a talk show because it gets good ratings."
Gaining visibility for quality programming has its challenges. Traditional television channels are hard to access. The internet makes it easy to put out more messages to more people, but having a place to put out a 28 minute show with great quality requires deep pockets. The more affordable outlets may compromise the quality of the program you watch.
If you are interested in sampling some of the shows that Marie has produced so far, vignettes are available on www.tvforyoursoul.com.
Marie's vision is to not only produce content with integrity but also to distribute the content with integrity as well. If you want to see full episodes of TV For Your Soul productions, they will be available on demand through LexMedia.
Would you like to help TV For Your Soul grow and reach a larger audience? Ways you can help include:
* Let other people know about TV For Your Soul and send them to the website
* Consider sponsoring an episode for a show or underwriting a series
* Make a donation to TV For Your Soul to help with some needed capital purchases, including back-up drives and storage so that Marie and her team can work with all the footage that they have, a couple better mikes, and funds to help support editors, producers and the people behind the cameras
It is time to rise out of a cultural paradigm that isn't working, and create a new paradigm that is more collaborative, sustainable and empowering. TV For Your Soul is a wonderful vehicle for cultural transformation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
