HealingHeartPower

Why Need Isn't A Four Letter Word

2011-12-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

We are taught very early that being "needy" is undesireable. Our culture reveres self-reliance, sometimes to a pathological extreme. And our "needs" are often considered dirty, shameful or bad. Needs are often treated like a "four letter word," but to our detriment.

When we are children, our needs reflect what is required to keep us alive, initially physically, and eventually emotionally and spiritually as well. Today's culture focuses on the existence of and value for our basic and higher human needs as individuals than in past eras. In prior generations, more attention was paid to how well we conformed to societally defined roles. We were to be molded to fit the roles, rather than developed as unique human beings with inherent worth.

As a result, many of our basic emotional, relational and spiritual needs went unmet, and sometimes our physical needs went unmet too. People who have not had their emotional, relational, physical and spiritual needs met, will grow older chronologically, but they will not mature emotionally and relationally, because they will suffer from the gap created by the unmet needs. They will not have the skills nor the capacity to provide what others need, since they have not received what they need themselves.

Our task as we mature includes learning to identify our needs, and to learn how to ask others for what we need in respectful ways. This includes discerning who might be capable of meeting our needs, and who cannot meet our needs, so we ask in appropriate places. It is also important to not expect a close friend or a partner to meet all of our unmet needs. Close friends and partners can meet many of our needs, but there is a big difference between choicefully meeting another person's adult needs, and being a substitute parent for what someone never received as a child.

Our adult needs are often a mixture of unmet needs from childhood and adult needs, which may be related to or unrelated to our childhood needs. The more clearly we can understand, define and communicate what we need, the more successful we can become in getting what we need from ourselves and others. And the more respectful we are of the limits, boundaries and gifts of others, the more grace can be found as we seek places to have our needs met...and learn skills to reciprocate and meet others' needs.

Most simply, needing is part of being human. We are not meant to be islands. We are not meant to do it all alone. As we peel away barriers of shame that have been passed on to us by our families or the generations that came before them, we can see needs for what they are: basic ingredients that feed the human being--emotionally, physically, spiritually and practically.

When we learn how to get what we need, we have more space to give others what they need. And when we can both give and receive, the circle of our interconnection strengths.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

How Love Evokes Our Unloveable Parts

2011-12-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

Last month I wrote about how what might appear to be incompatibility in a relationship, might actually provide a pathway to deepen love. In the mirror of love, as intimacy grows, we feel safe to be more of who we are. We can then take the risk of letting our wounded, unhealed and less developed parts, the parts we fear are "unloveable," surface for the purpose of healing.

Sometimes this happens consciously. But often it happens subconsciously or unconsciously. In the safety of love, our defenses start to melt, and our shadow parts emerge, the way a shoot emerges from a tulip bulb buried under the earth, sensing that spring is coming soon.

Initially, we may be horrified to feel so exposed, and to feel the discomfort of the parts we judge are "unloveable." What we reject, we distance from. This creates a barrier to intimacy with both self and partner. When we withdraw, we remove our energy, and it is the presence of this energy that allows intimacy to grow and flow.

It takes a lot of energy to keep our "unloveable" parts in the shadows. And sadly, most of these "unloveable" parts are very human. If only we feel safe enough to share them in a safe and loving context, we may find more compassion from others than we might anticipate given our own internal judgments.

And this very sharing, where we are received with compassion, may provide the very healing we crave and need. When we are brave enough to share our "unloveable" parts with our loved ones, we may find out that we are more loveable, "warts and all," than we might have imagined. And being embraced as a whole person, with human foibles, wounds and strengths, is what most of us yearn for deep down inside, in our heart of hearts.

Offering the gift of full presence to our loved ones, with an open heart, free of judgment, creates the safety to melt through barriers of self-judgment. In the end, we all win. Removing judgment creates more room for intimacy and love.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

What Men and Women Need: Hormones and Relationship

2011-11-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

Next time your male partner sits on the sofa and proceeds to veg out in front of the tv, rather than complaining, say "thank you." By relaxing on the sofa, his body can literally let down from the stress of the day and generate more testosterone to bring to you in the bedroom or bring to the world as he works diligently by day.

And the next time your female partner needs to talk when she is emotionally upset, realize she is trying to take care of her physical health as well as her psychological health, so she can be closer to you. The part of the brain that regulates emotional response in women under stress is 2 1/2 times greater than in men. A woman needs to talk to destress.

The most recent work of relationship expert John Gray shows how what men and women really need has a lot to do with their hormones. Understanding our most basic and primal wiring is key to appreciating what will make us happy.

As society has changed, roles for men and women have also changed. And with the change in roles have come changes in what men and women need to feel loved and understood. Women have moved out of the need for security that was present decades or centuries ago. To find fulfillment in today's world, women need to focus on their needs for intimacy, romance and connection.

Women are becoming more stressed in our testosterone driven culture. In fact, John Gray notes that women's happiness levels are steady declining. Women need to be seen, heard, touched, felt, and need to feel connected, not alone, and supported at an emotional level. As the stress level goes up for women, these needs increase.

Women are designed to be emotionally activated under stress. This leads to feelings and a need to talk about what she is feeling. Being able to speak and be heard releases her stress. Giving also reduces stress for a woman. Women need to practice self-care and find ways that nurture them, and not just look to men to get their needs met.

When a man is under stress, he is wired to do something (fight) or forget it (flight). Men are moved to do, fix, or act. Men have an off switch where they can go blank, in contrast to a a woman's brain that speeds up under stress. For men to engage in decompression activities where they get to use their "off switch" is key to destressing and rejuvenating.

These hormonal differences suggest some important coaching tips so men and women can love and support each other more effectively and both genders can get primal needs met.

If a woman is stressed out and lets her male partner know that by listening to her for 10 - 15 minutes will make her feel better, then he can "do" something that will "fix" her "problem." If she then thanks him for listening and letting her know how much she appreciates it, that will help the man feel good about the interaction. Men like to make women happy. If a woman can learn to ask for what she needs in a frame that lets the man succeed at this task, it is a super win-win.

Likewise, if a man needs to chill out in front of the tv, if he can let his female partner know he needs to decompress for a bit, and invite her to sit next to him, he can enjoy her company, and also have the space to decompress. Being able to sit quietly for a period of time may be as nurturing for the man as being able to talk or vent for a period of time is for his woman partner.

While none of us are linear gender stereotypes, and both men and women have both male and female energy, these coaching tips for our primal roots can still be helpful as we navigate a world of changing gender roles.

Why Incompatibility Is A Crucible For Love

2011-11-06T17:44:00.001-08:00

When people leave relationships, often they speak of "incompatibilities." Incompatibility does not need to mean deal breaker, And even more so, relationship experts Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt note that ALL right relationships have incompatibilities. It is the nature of relationship and the nature of the deepening of intimacy and love.

When people first fall in love, they feel a connection with their partner, and often focus on the sameness and the feeling of connection. The sameness and feeling of connection are real, however, as intimacy deepens, there is more under the surface that is not as cozy and comfortable as the sameness and connection in the new relationship energy stage.

Hendrix and Hunt believe the purpose of relationship is unconscious. The unconscious purpose is to heal the wounds of childhood and grow up and become whole. That is why we go from "falling in love," to what I call "the shadow lands." Rather than fighting or competing for scarce resources like wounded children, we need to become co-healers. Hendrix and Hunt reflect that because there was an emotional or physical absence of a caretaker at critical moments in our developmental experience, we experienced the wounds of "ruptured connection" or "missing connection."

Connection in the present with a beloved partner repairs the ruptured connection that is still alive in the memory from our childhoods. Hendrix and Hunt assert that incompatibility is not only the NORM for relationships, but also it is the GROUND of intimate partnership. When we fall in love with someone, as intimacy deeper, painful memories are triggered and emerge to heal. We blame our partners, which leads them to put up their defenses. We get used to living with a defended partner. If we can learn to provide enough safety for our partner to let down their defenses, a new vulnerable person emerges.

We fantasize that a compatible person is someone just like us so there is no conflict or tension. This is not reality. It is not how nature works, according to Hendrix and Hunt. We require the tension of opposites to heal and grow. The nature of relationship is the person you are deeply attracted to WILL have incompatibilities. And this is the opportunity of the relationship. . If you do not recognize this, it will lead to ruptures in the relationship, and if people are truly not conscious about this pattern, they may leave someone they really love.

Hendrix and Hunt note that in any couple the two people polarize into two roles: the "turtle" and the "hail storm." When stress comes, the turtle withdraws. When stress comes, the hailstorm needs to talk, analyze and figure things out. There is a precious gift in the polarization, even if it feels uncomfortable. The hail storm needs someone to slow them down and ground them. The turtle needs someone to pull them out of their shell. No matter how uncomfortable this tension is, it is very necessary. The hail storm needs to become more like the turtle and slow down, and the turtle needs to become more like the hail storm and speak up.

Rather than withdraw, the turtle needs to mirror the hailstorm and show they hear and understand what the hailstorm is saying. If the hailstorm is first mirrored and then is asked, "is there anything I can do to support you right now?" the hailstorm will calm right down. The hail storm needs to honor the turtle's process and give them space. If the hail storm tells the turtle, "I am available for connection if you and and when you are," the turtle will know they can take their space and then reach out. Both polarities need to learn to regulate their energy.

The bottom line is that incompatibility is normal and healthy. We need to develop skills to work with and grow from incompatibility. Hendrix and Hunt suggest three things to transform incompatibilities:

1. Create safety: Don't speak for your partner and tell them how they are. Don't judge them, blame them or criticize them. Talk about your own experience without judgment or blame.

2. Commit to healing each other's wounds: Your partner is not a monster taking all the emotional oxygen out of the relationship. Recognize they were wounded in childhood and need to heal. Learn what they need and give it to them. Hendrix and Hunt call this "stretching into your partner's need system."

3. Learn to sit in the tension of conflict or incompatibility until a new, third possibility emerges: Instead of using your lower brain to analyze what's wrong, move your energy to higher cerebral functioning to create win-win solutions. Do creative problem solving. Sit in the tension until a new solution emerges that includes both apparently incompatible polarities.

Rather than say you are in the wrong relationship, if you really love your partner, know you are in the right relationship. This resonance, if you stay connected to it, gives you the emotional bond to sustain the relationship when, as Hendrix says, "the dream becomes a nightmare." This takes consciousness, care, commitment and a real value for the love.

Note: The content for this blog entry came from an interview with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt as part of the Love Summit.

The Psychology of Perception: The Danger of Misplaced Attention and Priorities

2011-10-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to miss much in life, and even miss the very finest treasures that life has to offer if we focus our attention too narrowly and don't think deeply about our priorities. Perhaps this is why it is so easy to end up as frogs in a pot of boiling water, clueless of our context or how we got there.

The following piece was sent to me by my best friend Brenda. It is a very powerful message not only about the psychology of perception, but also the danger of misplaced attention and priorities.

"THE SITUATION

In Washington, DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Back pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent--without exception-- forced their children to move quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

* In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

* If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

In we do NOT have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Enjoy life NOW....it has an expiration date."

For Love or For Money

2011-10-25T14:29:00.001-07:00

While cultural lore argues you can never be too rich, when couples care too much about money,i t may be at the expense of their marriages. In a study of more than 1700 couples, researchers at Brigham Young University and William Patterson University looked at how attitudes about money impacted marriage.

Perhaps it is not surprising that for couples for whom money was less of a priority than love and relationship, scores on relationship quality were 10 - 15% higher than for couples where one or both partners were more materialistic. Couples where both partners were materialistic fared worse than couples where one partner valued love over money.

BYU professor Jason Carroll, who teaches about family life, noted that "Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure." In fact, "materialism itself" created much of the difficulty for dually materialistic couples, including for couples with lots of money. When having lots of money is your priority, the time, care and attention needed to nurture a love connection may fall by the wayside. Love is more deeply nurtured by gestures of goodwill, care and kindness, not by things.

Materialistic couples might also make poor financial decisions, purchasing things they cannot afford, and creating debt, and the financial stress that accompanies these kinds of financial problems. No matter how many things we have, money still cannot buy love! And all the things in the world cannot fill the void in an empty heart!

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

Post-Traumatic Relationship Stress Disorder

2011-09-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

Madison Avenue has told us that without any effort on our part, we are supposed to meet a magical stranger, called "the one," who will love us, commit to us and live happily ever after with us, without ever losing the "new relationship energy" that may accompany the first phases of meeting a new love partner. In this fairy tale, we will just naturally have good jobs, a MacMansion for our home, perfect health, and all the good things in life, never falling upon hard times, conflicts, or the inevitable obstacles that life dishes out to all of us sooner or later. Countless people have embraced this fantasy as truth, and try earnestly over and over again to make the fairy tale real. Sadly, but not surprisingly, they end up with less than magical results.

After experiencing a series of romances--be they dating relationships or marriages-- that leave them disappointed, broken-hearted, disillusioned, betrayed and ultimately, just plainalone, many people start to experience what I am calling "post-traumatic relationship stress disorder."

Trying over and over and over again to build a loving,long-term relationship and ending up abandoned, "nexted," broken-hearted and alone eventually creates an emotional and spiritual state of despair, lack of trust in dating, marriage or the relationship process, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure and a sense of hypervigilance not to make "the same mistake again." Carrying a compounded broken heart wound in need of healing, but lacking a clear pathway to get it, both men and women become commitment phobic, hit unsurpassable walls within or with their partners that create limits to relating or just give up and stand on the relationship sidelines to avoid getting hurt again.

"He just wasn't who he said he was"
"She hadn't gotten over her two failed marriages"
"He wanted to just fill the void quickly, so he latched on to me, but he couldn't sustain the intimacy as the relationship grew"
"She decided it was easier just to be alone"
"He decided that women are too much work"
"She settled for friends with benefits, because a real relationship might neither yield a friendship nor benefits"
"He discovered she was having an affair with a married neighbor across the street"
"She thought he was just working hard at his job, but then she discovered the erotic e-mails from the co-worker he stayed at the office late with"
"I thought s/he was the nicest gal/guy, but I later discovered that I was sleeping with a narcissist."

Stories abound of falling in love initially, but ultimately falling into a relational black hole. How did we become so wounded and ill-equipped to create a life til death do us part?

As our community structures have unraveled, as families have moved further and further apart geographically, as we live in an instant gratification internet culture, where we can replace almost anything with the click of a mouse, we seem to have forgotten the value and importance of working through our differences and standing together against the odds rather than apart.

Some may say that men and women just don't understand each other, and the language barriers between the genders lead both men and women to feel unappreciated and distanced in love.

Therapists and married partners for over 30 years, Gay and Kathleen Hendricks believe that the most important ingredient for a working relationship is willingness. Willingness is a state of mind, of consciousness, of open heartedness, where a man or woman sincerely want to love and be loved, and get beyond past hurts and obstacles to do whatever it takes to love and be loved over time.

They acknowledge that no one ever told us that all relationships go through five stages: romance, the inevitable, the choice point, the result and the re-kindling. No one ever taught us that relationships are living organisms that need care and feeding, just like we do. No one ever told us that we are responsible for loving another person on their own terms as well as our terms, and that compromise is a key part of love. And even if someone told us, we may not have heard or believed them. We aren't given relationship mentors, so we all learn about love the hard way. We don't really learn about what makes love work and be sustained.

The Hendricks believe that couples need to "learn how to shift out of the state of consciousness that generates recycling conflicts, learn how to end blame and criticism and learn how to feel andappreciate the state of consciousness that generates the flow of love and appreciation."

If we truly realize that we need to bring love and appreciation to a loved one each and every day, be willing to "move past our prior experiences of love to wonder open-heartedly about what is possible right now," and shift out of our limiting consciousness that creates conflicts, judgments and other barriers to loving with an open heart, we can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

If we can first love ourselves, and bring a willingess to go the distance with another person, we can stop the cycle of post-traumatic relationship stress disorder that is plaguing too many people I know.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

Medication As Magic Bullet: The Shadow Side

2011-09-29T17:58:00.001-07:00

Nobody likes to be uncomfortable, physically or psychologically. Who can blame them! When we are uncomfortable, especially when we are in physical or psychic pain, we hurt. We want the pain to go away. Discomfort or pain is important, because it provides clues to what ails us--be it superficial or deep, minor or serious. And when what ails us is serious, some kind of treatment or intervention is most often required, to help us feel better, alleviate our symptoms and reduce our discomfort or pain.

There are many approaches to how we might identify the root cause of an ailment, and what kind of treatment might help us heal. Some approaches use a mind-body perspective. Others use a more scientific or biochemical model. But all in all, as a culture, we have little tolerance for pain and often lack the ability to discern helpful, growth-promoting pain from truly pathological pain which requires a psychological or medical intervention.

Because we don't like to feel our pain, we seek "quick fixes" and immediate "solutions" to rid us of our unwanted pain. And we want our "quick fixes" to "deliver us from evil," with no cost or negative consequence. In our fairy tale story, we have created the "magic bullet" as the pharmacological hero, armed with the power to provide a simple solution to what may actually be a complex problem. Sadly, like most fairy tales, this one may not come true in reality. Our pharmacological hero may not be as simple as we wish for or as all-powerful either.

In his book, Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, Robert Whitaker traces the "'magic bullet' model of medicine" back to sulfa drugs and antibiotics, which were very simple in theory. In each case, doctors defined a cause of a disorder, and developed a linear treatment to counteract it. "Antibiotics killed known bacterial invaders." Likewise, when Eli Lilly developed insulin therapy, it was "a variation on the same theme." Once researchers determined that diabetes was caused by an insulin deficiency, providing insulin to diabetics was a logical solution.

Unfortunately, this concept of drugs when applied to psychiatric ailments did not work as simply or linearly. Whitaker points out that the first generation of psychiatric drugs were called, "antipsychotics, anti-anxiety agents and antidepressants--words that indicate they were antidotes to specific disorders." The big difference here, is that psychiatric ailments are not linear nor uniform. And there is no one ailment to a non-linear disorder. While there may be a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis, they are emotional, mental and behavior symptoms whose roots may be in trauma, family history, neglect, unmet needs or struggles in the here and now.

Whitaker notes "the psychopharmacology revolution was born from one part science and two parts wishful thinking." While some psychiatric medications DO help people, what is far too often not discussed is that with any medication there are the desired effects and other effects, often called "side effects." You cannot take a medication and guarantee you only get the desired effects. In some cases, people are far more impacted by the other, lesser talked about effects. Too, the long-term impact of a biochemical solution for what may not have its roots in a biological problem may leave a person weaker and more vulnerable than when they started treatment.

For example, many anti-anxiety medications are addictive, and when a person decides to stop taking them, they are not aware of the withdrawal effects of stopping, including the increased anxiety that may result. Some of the ADD drugs given to children and adults have been correlated with cardiac arrhythmia and atrial fibrillation. In their book, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, authors Peter Breggin and David Cohen note that antidepressants "can cause emotionally and physically distressing and dangerous withdrawal reactions," and may permanently alter brain and body chemistry in less than desirable ways.

These side effects, withdrawal effects, and long-term biochemistry altering effects are often unspoken or less spoken than we might think they should be for a person to make an informed choice about using the biochemical tools that are so readily pushed as "solutions." While I am a firm believer in education about all possible tools that might be helpful in a given health situation, I feel it is very important to paint a complete picture, so we really understand as many consequences of our choices as possible, prior to making them.

I have had many clients go from one medication to the next, hoping to find their magic bullet, only to be disappointed that they have invested time, much and faith in substances that cause unwanted side effects without the intended benefit they wished for.
I have also had clients who gain relief from a medication for a period of time, unaware that they are becoming chemically addicted to the substance, and that they will go through withdrawal if they choose to stop taking it.

I strongly advocate for more complete education about the pluses and minuses of biochemical interventions. I believe it is essential we recognize that there may be no magic bullets, and some of the conditions we are trying to treat are not simple but complex. If we have a more complete understanding of the shadow side of medication, we can benefit from the positive effects consciously, and choose to disengage consciously as well, in appropriate.

©2011 Linda Marks

Alexythymia: No Words For Feelings

2011-09-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

Feelings and emotions are important because they give a language to our experience where mind and body meet, according to Living In Balance authors Joel and Michelle Levey. Our feelings and emotions help us know what is true for us, and provide guidance both for our own self-care and well-being, and also for our work, relationships and overall health.

Many people suffer, often unknowingly, from an ailment called alexythymia, in which there are no words for feelings. Have you ever found yourself having a strong feeling, yet been at a loss for words? Or is it difficult, in general, to find words for what you feel? Many people who have experienced great stress or trauma struggle to find words for feelings. And many people have never had the opportunity to learn how to translate their feelings into language at all.

Even if it is hard to get in touch with our feelings or find words for feelings, we are still impacted by the waves of life. When experiences impact us strongly at the emotional level, and we have no means of expression, we can feel trapped in an emotional prison, that causes great internal stress.

Creating emotional safety is often a first step in learning to connect with our emotions and feelings, and learning to notice the sensations and energy currents that run through our body when we feel sad, happy, angry, scared, disappointed, or anxious. Our bodies often communicate through physical sensations: knots in the stomach, lumps in the throat, tightness in the chest, headache that won't go away.... We have learned to label these experiences as symptoms, which are "bad," and we are supposed to make "go away," rather than understanding that this is our body's way of trying to get our attention to learn what we feel and what we really need. Underneath most physical "symptoms" are emotions and feelings, which when accessed and expressed, help us learn about what is true for us and what we really need.

How do you begin to connect with your feelings to find the voice they invite you to discover? Slow down, sit in a chair, take some deep breaths, and focus on getting grounded. As you inhale, feel the physical contact of your back with the back of the chair, of your pelvis and tailbone with the seat of the chair and of your feet with the floor or rug. Breathe in the physical sensation of the chair and the floor supporting you. Exhale any tension, any stress, any strain in your body and mind. Invite your inner observer to notice any passing thoughts, simply noting them, and inviting them to melt away with your exhale.

As you slow down, relax, quiet and ground, the sensations and feelings in your body and heart are more likely to be noticeable. Invite them to speak to you, letting go of the need to analyze or judge what you find. Write in your journal. Type into your computer. Just notice what you experience and record it.

Initially, you might not notice anything. That is okay. There is a power in just slowing down, getting grounded and creating a space to listen. In time, your body and heart are likely to communicate with you. And as you listen to what your body and heart have to say, you will gain information that will help you put your felt experience into words. Once you can do this, you can choose what to share with friends and loved ones and deepen your connection and communication.

You may even find yourself able to write a "dictionary," translating common feelings, emotions and body sensations into the messages they contain. Giving voice to your body and feelings will reduce your internal stress level and improve your communication with others!

Our Bond of Interconnectedness

2011-07-28T17:00:00.001-07:00

In her book, The Bond, Lynn McTaggart suggests that it is the relationships between objects, be they atoms or people, that make all the difference. Life happens in the "spaces inbetween."

Here are some points she makes:

* Subatomically, there is no such thing as an individual thing

* Our bodies are created through so many complex interactions with our environment that they cannot be considered to exist independently

* We understand the actions of others by simulating the entire experience from a personal vantage point as though it were happening to us

* One of our deepest needs is to agree with each other, which manifests in a constant and automatic impulse to synchronize, physically, psychologically and emotionally

* Emotion, always considered wholly individual, is like a virus, transferring from person to person in an endless and unconscious circle of contagion

* We seek belonging above all else: for every $10,000 more your neighbors make than you do, your likelihood of suicide probably increases by 7.5 per cent

* Connecting with others is a matter of life and death: the lone-wolf, Gary Cooper-style all-American hero is a perfect candidate for a heart attack(1)

Much as Americans pursue an image of rugged individualism and self-reliance, these images can become pathological, and distance us from our more primary need to be interconnected with others.

Emotionally, neurologically and biologically, we are not designed to be "islands" or "rocks" that do not cry or feel pain. A healthy heart feels for others and grieves when another experiences hurt or loss.

If we work on valuing one another and investing more time and energy into our relationships (and perhaps less into our work and solo pursuits that leave little time for relationships), perhaps our world will feel less "cold" and "cruel."

Copyright Linda Marks 2011

(1) This list of points was prepared by Lynn McTaggart, author of The Bond

Letting People Matter

2011-07-26T13:55:00.001-07:00

Have you ever experienced a relationship where your partner said again and again that s/he loved you, yet left easily, and in a heartbeat without looking back? This kind of experience leaves the one left behind feeling confused, hurt, angry, shocked and just plain displaced.

If a loved one is able to leave that easily without remorse, it suggests that they were not entirely attached to their loved one. If someone is truly emotionally attached to a loved one, they cannot leave in the blink of an eye. Leaving would create great pain, and a sense of profound loss which they can anticipate emotionally,and as a result, they are far more motivated to work through emotional difficulties to make a relationship work.

Truly loving someone means letting the person matter. Many avoid this depth of heart opening and intimacy, because losing a loved one from this depth of attachment creates tremendous pain. So, many people protect their hearts and never let themselves open into full emotional attachment, and therefore, never truly let their loved one really matter.

Many people suffer from attachment disorders. Many people have had parents who cannot open into full emotional attachment with their children. As a result they experience chaotic attachment, where sometimes the parent seems to love them, be present to them, be with them, pay attention to them or listen to them, and other times, the parent is not present, is self-absorbed, in unfairly angry at the child, does not pay attention to the child, does not listen to or hear them or overpowers the child with their own wants and needs. If we have not had the experience of a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment when we are young, it is very scary and difficult, if not impossible, to build a secure, constant, deep emotional attachment as an adult.

Letting someone matter requires have a sense of depth and security within our own heart. We need the room in our hearts to let someone in and hold them in the moment and over time. Choosing to MAKE someone matter through conscious actions and thoughts takes a sense of consciousness and a strength of heart. Conscious thoughts and actions, regular rhythms of communication, and regular times together accented through healthy times apart help create a container that holds both the relationship and both people in the relationship.

This kind of container is needed to give space for both the relationship and the people in the relationship to grow. It is a sad paradox that many people are afraid to get boxed into a relationship for fear of losing their freedom and not being able to grow, when in actually, a healthy container holding a relationship allows for both connection and independence, and ultimately personal and relational growth.

When relationships are treated less consciously and intentionally and more randomly, the relational container has holes that leak out energy and the individuals and the relationship may not feel as safe, solid or held.

When people come from backgrounds that lack emotional constancy, there may be comfort in the familiarity of chaos and a fear of the constancy/commitment of a stable, lovig bond. Being able to develop and sustain intimacy requires a sense of trust,constancy and connection that is nurtured through actions and invested time.
If this is unfamiliar, we need experiences that introduce us to the reality that true intimacy, while vulnerable, can also be safe, nurturing and secure.

To really love someone is to both LET them matter, and to act in such a way that you MAKE them matter.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

TV For Your Soul

2011-06-23T17:33:00.001-07:00

"So many channels, so little on." Have you ever felt that way as you skipped through the guide function on your tv? Executive Producer Marie Manning has been working to provide real television nourishment in an age of "empty viewing calories," and "junk food for the spirit." TV For Your Soul offers meaningful alternatives to voyeuristic, competitive, reality tv putting people up against one another in awkward situations.

"All of our shows have positive, uplifting content," reflects Marie. Programs include: "Body, Mind and Spirit," "Empowering Women,""Contributions to Earth,""Room of Ones Own," and "Wedding Essentials." Two shows in the works are "Everyday Goddesses," and "Celebrity Charities."

"We wanted to raise the uality of what people are getting on tv," acknowledges TV For Your Soul Executive Director, Martha Kilcoyne. "People deserve an opportunity to hear messages that can help them rise out of the cultural norm, and not in the context of people fighting on a talk show because it gets good ratings."

Gaining visibility for quality programming has its challenges. Traditional television channels are hard to access. The internet makes it easy to put out more messages to more people, but having a place to put out a 28 minute show with great quality requires deep pockets. The more affordable outlets may compromise the quality of the program you watch.

If you are interested in sampling some of the shows that Marie has produced so far, vignettes are available on www.tvforyoursoul.com.

Marie's vision is to not only produce content with integrity but also to distribute the content with integrity as well. If you want to see full episodes of TV For Your Soul productions, they will be available on demand through LexMedia.

Would you like to help TV For Your Soul grow and reach a larger audience? Ways you can help include:

* Let other people know about TV For Your Soul and send them to the website
* Consider sponsoring an episode for a show or underwriting a series
* Make a donation to TV For Your Soul to help with some needed capital purchases, including back-up drives and storage so that Marie and her team can work with all the footage that they have, a couple better mikes, and funds to help support editors, producers and the people behind the cameras

It is time to rise out of a cultural paradigm that isn't working, and create a new paradigm that is more collaborative, sustainable and empowering. TV For Your Soul is a wonderful vehicle for cultural transformation.

Time and Money

2011-05-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

What might be at the heart of our "crazybusy" time-crunched way of life in today's world? It may not just be more things to do according to research by organizational behavior professors Sanford DeVoe of the University of Toronto and Jeffrey Pfeffer of Stanford University.

Professors DeVoe and Pfeffer actually trace the roots of the "modern time bind" to rising income over the past several decades. Apparently, as people's pay rises, the stress they internalize to do more faster increases. When a person is paid less, they feel more permission to go at their own pace.

This includes when being assigned the very same tasks! A study of 67 college students to a fictitious corporate job illustrated this point. The students who were paid 10 times what their other colleagues were reported feeling more pressure to do the very same job.

When people were assigned to groups where they were made to feel either wealthy or poor, those who felt wealthy also felt more time pressure. With this increased sense of time pressure came less patience and a tendency to rush through tasks.

This research invites us to look at what really makes us feel time bound. Do we really have too much to do, or do we feel too much pressure to do what we feel responsible for? Good food for thought!

Love, Money and Stuff

2011-05-21T10:00:00.001-07:00

A recent article in Time Magazine reported a new psychology study that reveals that "people who feel loved and accepted by others place lower monetary values on material possessions than folks who feel insecure and unloved." When people don't feel valued and appreciated by other people, they turn to stuff to fill the emotional and relational void.

There are many psychological studies on how we compensate when we don't get what we really need. Most addictions are rooted in this kind of compensating behavior. And because the secondary source we turn to (food, work, money, stuff)often still leaves us feeling incomplete in some way, we keep wanting more and more. We can't get enough of what we don't really need.

And at some level, deep down inside, we just plain need what we really need. Love, connection, feeling that we matter, and feeling welcome are primal human needs, necessary for psychological survival and well-being. The pain of NOT getting what we really need is so great, we build strong fortresses around our hearts, to numb out the pain that comes from not knowing how to get what we really need.

"People value possessions, in part, because they afford a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort," UNH psychology professor Edward Lemay reflects. "But what we found was that if people already have a feeling of being loved and accepted by others, which also can provide a sense of protection, insurance, and comfort, those possessions decrease in value."

This brings to mind the experiments we studied in Psychology 101 about cloth and wire monkeys. When baby monkeys were removed from their mothers, researchers gave some a hard wire substitute monkey to hold on to, and others a soft, clothbound substitute mother monkey. The baby monkeys who at least had the comfort and warmth of the cloth, fared better than the baby monkeys who had the cold, hard wire as their only contact. Truthfully, both sets of monkeys would have been much happier if they had simply been left with their living, breathing monkey moms. However, given the experiment required leaving their real moms, having some literal creature comforts was critical for well-being.

Funny how we can make "things" creature comforts when we can't get comfort from real creatures! And it is no surprise that when humans let us down, abandon us, are not available or just don't know how to connect, cats and dogs provide the real creature comfort that human beings deeply crave.

Here's to love, connection and warmth from real human beings!

Altruism Is Good For YOU

2011-04-26T18:14:00.001-07:00

Gordon Gecko may have said "greed is good," but from a physiological and well-being perspective, altruism is better. The Institute of HeartMath reports that "when we act in other people's behalf, we feel better, more secure and experience less stress."

When we are helping others from a place of care, compassion and pure intent, both our brain and heart produce oxytocin, the love or bonding hormone. Heart cells as well as brain cells produce "feel good chemicals"including dopamine and endorphins. Only genuine intent creates this hormonal benefit.

An article on altruism prepared by the Institute of HeartMath cites research that shows:

* altruistic people are healthier and live longer
* older people who are helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by nearly 60% compared to peers who provide neither practical help nor emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends
* altruism promotes enhanced meaning and purpose, and the presence of positive emotions such as kindness that displaces harmful negative emotional states

When we can shift our focus to what we have to give, instead of what we have to get or take, what follows actually helps US. Is it paradoxical that in giving, we receive more than if we had only focused on our selfish self-interest? Perhaps this shows the difference in scope between the ego and the heart. Because the heart operates from a place of connection and interconnectedness, it understands the flow of life. When we operate from ego, fear or scarcity, we can disconnect from this very flow.

Hearts know how to balance self-care and care for others. When we use our intellects with the balancing perspective of the heart, we can operate from a sense of duty or obligation, when can lack pure heartfelt intent. Using our heart's wisdom and guidance is key to keep ourselves in the circulating flow of giving and receiving, rather than burning out from giving in a disconnected state.

Living From the Heart Workshop

2011-04-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

On Friday, May 20, I will be giving a workshop on Living From the Heart at the home of Margaret Arndt and David Sneickus in Newton, MA.

LIVING FROM THE HEART

Our hearts thrive when our lives are "coherent," meaning we have a sense that life is purposeful, manageable and meaningful. This approach to living makes us happier and healthier in all ways. The messages we receive from the culture, however, do not often invite us to go inward and listen to our hearts. Instead, we are told to do more, go faster and keep going...skipping over the critical messages our hearts and bodies give us moment to moment and over time about the things we really need.

In this evening workshop, you will have a chance to slow down, bring your focus inwards and listen to your own heart. We will explore some of our basic human needs (beyond food, shelter and clothing...like being welcome in the world, not having to do it all alone, and having emotional and spiritual connection), and how to bring more of what really matters into our lives. We will do meditation, experiential exercises and partnered sharings drawing from EKP body psychotherapy to nourish and honor our hearts.

Linda Marks, MSM, has practiced body psychotherapy with individuals, couples, families and groupsfor 26 years. EKP (Emotional-Kinesthetic Psychotherapy), a heart-centered, psychospiritual body psychotherapy method is her contribution to the field. Linda has presented nationally and internationally, published two books and hundreds of articles, taught at universities and professional conferences and has appeared on radio and television. She also practice coaching and mediation. Her website is www.healingheartpower.com.

For more information, contact msarndt@verizon.net

Being A Face to Face Person In An Increasingly Virtual World

2011-04-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

When I started my psychotherapy practice in 1985, the world was dramatically different than today. There was no internet. There were no cell phones. There was no e-mail. There were no texts. All media--books, newspapers and magazines, were physical and in-print, not on-line. And if I wanted to have a conversation with someone, there were two options: face to face and on the phone.

In many ways, things were much simpler back then. When my first book, Living With Vision: Reclaiming the Power of the Heart, was published in 1988, I threw a big book launch party at a Boston area nightclub to bring people together to celebrate in community. If I were to publish a new book tomorrow, I would set up a Facebook fan page for the book, organize a party on Meetup.com, send out an event announcement using Constant Contact, post announcements on LinkedIn and on my regular Facebook page, and tweet updates as often as possible to let people know.

As a writer and psychotherapist, I feel the changes from our old face to face based relating culture to our modern technology based more virtual culture. As a person, I feel the changes even more strongly, and watch the changes color the landscape of others' lives.

People of all ages can spend hours chatting with "friends" on Facebook, without ever leaving the comfort of their living room. They can "talk" while dressed in their pajamas and never utter a spoken word. Committees can meeting using a free internet conference calling service, and never need a face to face meeting to get their work done. Teens or older adults can communicate daily with their loved ones through texts and e-mails, forgetting or perhaps never learning that some topics are best discussed in person and not in a virtual medium.

At its best, virtual communication allows us to feel connected easily, quickly and without much logistical work to be at a certain place at a certain time. At its worst, virtual communication leaves us feeling isolated, connected but alone, missing the special meaning of a look on someone's face, a gleam in the eye, or the warm, nurturing feeling of a hug or caress. Some experiences translate into virtual moments. Others simply do not.

In late March, the Wall Street Journal published an article about the increase of teenage depression with Facebook use. On the one hand, many teens feel a wider social network than kids in their actual classes at school through their connection of Facebook friends. On the other hand, they may feel lonely and disconnected, because all of their communications take place when they are by themselves with only a computer as their companion. If they try to arrange a time to "hang out," they may find their phone call unanswered, or their plan forgotten as their friend gets lost in a sea of cyberconversations or video games, while time marches on. Facebook allows people to post photos that create an image of life as wonderful and fun, even if real life is not nearly so grand. And people create "avatar-like" personas, never needing to do equal work to develop their inner personas.

No matter how many virtual tools we develop to stay "in touch," communicate quickly, efficiently and replace the need for a meeting real-time, if we go too far on the virtual side of the human-technology continuum, a part of our spirit gets lost. If you are sad, does it not feel better to look into the eyes of an understanding friend? If you are scared, can a text replace a hug? Can a kiss be replaced by an e-mail saying "I love you?" Our human senses make life richer and more meaningful. WHh lose them in our relating with others?

While I can talk to someone on the phone and counsel them on Skype, I cannot reach out and touch them, or bring the full energy of my heart to them when we are so far away. Some part of relating simply cannot be whole when done at a distance. To "be with" someone, really means being with them.

Just like the experiments with the clothand wire monkeys in my freshman psychology class, there are lessons about the emotional and spiritual cost of a more virtual and less tactile existence. Technology can help us share our words, ideas and thoughts, but to physically feel another's presence, hold another's hand, and feel the beat of another person's heart in a mutual embrace introduces a much deeper, essential dimension of human experience into our lives. May we never forget the important of being face to face people in our increasingly virtual world.

Race to Nowhere

2011-03-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

Having heard about the documentary film, Race to Nowhere, first from an article in the paper and then from a client, I was ecstatic to learn that Newton North High School was showing the film this past month. My son, Alex, and I cleared our calendars so we could attend the screening. I was very glad we did!

Produced by Vicky Abeles, using the words and experiences of students across the country, their teachers, administrators, parents and other professionals who serve them, the film paints a very accurate and sad portrait of what education is like in our culture today. With all the pressure to build a resume to be successful in the job market, starting in preschool, students are overloaded with homework, pressured to take top level classes and get straight A's, while also excelling in extracurriculars, sports, and even more, lacking time for eating, sleeping, thinking or learning.

This silent epidemic touches all school-aged kids and young adults, from pre-K through graduate school, leads to stress-related illness at younger and younger ages, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicide, apathy and a mechanized, robotic approach to personhood. Because of the pressures to look good and have "everything together," on the outside, countless students suffer in silence, under the radar, until a crisis hits where things crumble from the inside out.

The ultimate prize is success, as defined by our materially addicted culture, measured by how much money you have, how big a house you live in, and how fancy a car you drive. Happiness, health and humanity are left out of the equation entirely. As one student in the film commented, "Success in America is defined by how much money you make, not by how happy you are."

And with inhumane pressures that could cause even the strongest person to eventually crumble, students are learning to take shortcuts, like cheating and taking drugs, which will ultimately lead to their collapse or the collapse of the systems that depend on them. Sadly, we have countless examples of the adult version of this behavior, with Bernie Madoff as the poster child of cheating and its costs, including the life of his son.

One of the students in the Newton North auditorium commented after the film, we have a system that is creating an economically and emotionally depressed America. Something has to change, or our race to nowhere will be the lemmings' suicidal race off the cliff. Are we frogs in the proverbial pot of boiling water or have we already died emotionally, spiritually and practically? Can we leap out of the water and keep other frogs out of the pot? Can we find a way to get grounded and keep frogs in frogponds and people in human environments? Do we need to revision and re-engineer these more healthy and natural environments, because we are so used to the boiling water, that we don't even remember how it should be?

This provocative film is a call to action, including getting together and talking with one another face to face. The film is only shown in small community settings, like the high school, rather than being distributed through the commercial film market. The purpose is to engage dialogue and thought, rather than passive viewing in our isolated lives.

I hope more and more people see the film, and join together to get to the root of the systemic issues. Our survival is at stake. As they say, our children are our future. And if we don't take action, we will lose them and our future.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

Greed Is A Terminal Disease

2011-03-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

While intellectually, many of us know that anything taken to an extreme can lose its goodness, practically, our culture seems to have forgotten that this is so. While the Wall Street culture promoted the idea that greed is good, just as a person who lives on a diet of junk food will ultimately become seriously ill, too much greed for too long exacts a toll. This toll is felt by the greedy, the people taken advantage of or shut out from the food chain, and by society as a whole.

Bernie Madoff's uncontained greed not only led to his sentence of life in prison, but also to the suicide of one of his sons. Greed on Wall Street, in business, and in the political arena, has left countless people adrift, unemployed, homeless and displaced, without hope of any change in their circumstances. And the greedy who put so many people in such difficult positions turn their head the other way and watch their bank accounts grow.

We have example after example that greed is a terminal disease, and perhaps an addiction in our culture where success is measured in financial terms, not in meaning, contribution, and making a difference in the world. In his article, The Real Social Security, published in Ode Magazine, Kenyan microcredit bank managing director, Kimanthi Mutua notes that the only REAL social security is our collectiveness.

Mutua notes, "Centuries of individualism and materialism have destroyed most of this essential support structure in the West." We have no collective infrastructure to catch people when times are tough, and falling through the cracks of life is all too familiar a risk of hard times and forces beyond our control.

While Americans may look at Africans as residents of third world nations, emotionally and spiritually, America is a third world nation, or worse. The richness of daily connections with people, face to face, where people know and care for one another, cannot be made up through bonding in virtual reality. Mutua notes that in Africa, people connect in the daily reality of their lives. They naturally support each other, which builds an experience of community and compensates for the hardships of their lives."

Mutua notes as well that based on data from a World Value Survey, "most people in Africa do not report feeling less happy than people in developed nations despite being the poorest people on the planet. African is a living example of the fact that more money does not bring more happiness."

So, if we can stop looking at our own reflections in the narcissistic mirror that is so common today, perhaps we can look at ourselves through the lens of other cultures that may be more spiritually and emotionally rich than we are. As we are lost in the trance of working ourselves to death, and pursuing the American Dream, that a Psychology Today article notes has transformed into the American Nightmare, we lose sight of what really matters, and what we really need to survive.

See "American Nightmare" in April 2011 issue of Psychology Today, and "The Real Social Security" by Kimanthi Mutua in the October 2007 issue of Ode Magazine for more.

Happiness Versus Well-Being

2011-03-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, March 15, the Wall Street Journal published an article entitled, "Is Happiness Overrated?" With positive psychology as one of today's popular buzzwords in research and media circles, who would question whether pursuing happiness might, as the WSJ article suggests, be doing us more harm than good?

It turns out that "happiness as people usually think of it--the experience of pleasure and positive feelings," is not nearly as important to physical health as meaning and purpose. Engaging in meaningful, purposeful activity creates a deeper and more impactful positive state, which is called "eudaimonic well-being," than lighter, fun, which is called "hedonic well-being." The effects of eudaimonic well-being contribute not only to better mental health and cognitive acuity but also to a longer life than focusing on achieving feelings of happiness alone.

Dr. Carol Ryff and her team of researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, found that eudaimonic well-being reduced the impact of known risk factors like low education level on some critical health indicators. "Participants with low education level and greater eudaimonic well-being had lower levels of interleukin-6, an inflammatory marker of disease associated with cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and Alzheimer's disease" than those with lower levels of eudaimonic well-being, even when taking hedonic well-being into account.

Too, researchers say that focusing too much on happiness, "can actually lead to feeling less happy." All too easily, we become addicted to the "quick fix," and swim on the surface of life, leaving the deeper layers of our beings untended.

While small, fleeting pleasures, like listening to good music, enjoying a good dinner or getting a new outfit, give us a burts of good feeling, in the long term, these activities, which contribute to "hedonic well-being," do not have real staying power. The article notes that raising children, volunteering or going to graduate school "may be less pleasureable day to day," but gives us more of a sense of fulfillment, "of being the best one can be, particularly in the long run."

Another important principal is everything in moderation. It is not human to be happy all the time, nor is it necessarily desireable. Life brings challenges, loss and hard times. To be able to feel through these different experiences is critical to being human. Being too unhappy too often is not good for us. And being more at peace more often is indeed more enjoyable. Yet, in a culture that has become far too narcissistic, "fixating on being happy in itself can become a psychological burden," reflects Dr. Ryff.

Middle Class As Underclass

2011-02-24T19:21:00.001-08:00

I remember reading Lou Dobbs' book, The War on the Middle Class, and feeling as though what I had been noticing, sensing and observing for so long was finally being named. Over the past three decades, the gap between rich and poor has grown steadily. But as the very rich have become richer, it is not just the poor who have grown poorer. The layer of people who emerged with new opportunities during the Industrial Revolution and continued to thrive "until the music stopped," beginning in the Reagan era, "the middle class," have lost standing over the past three decades and have now emerged as an underclass.

When I was a kid, plenty of my peers defined success as "having more than their parents had." While that might have been possible for past generations, for those who are parents themselves today, it is far more difficult to accomplish. According to an article on money.cnn.com/2011/02/16/news/economy/middle_class/index.htm, in 1988, the average American tax payer had income of $33,400, adjusted for inflation. In 2008, the average income was still just $33,000 according to data from the IRS.

On the other hand, the richest 1% of Americans, those making $380,000 or more, have experienced a 33% growth in income over the last 20 years. The gap between the richest and everyone has grown, while the middle class, trapped with stagnant income in the face of rising costs of living, has experienced a decrease in their standard of living.

Years back a friend of mine from Europe commented that the United States was well on its way to becoming a 3rd world country, while what used to be known as 3rd world countries were gaining new wealth thanks to globalization. As American workers watched their jobs move overseas, with nothing to fall back on, workers in India, China and other 3rd world countries found themselves with new opportunities. Corporations took advantage of cheaper labor in other countries to cut costs and increase profits, and found new markets in the countries they were "developing" their new workforce in.

The article also notes that with the decline of unions and other labor protections, American workers had no voice and no power. Add to that anti-regulation that loosened rules governing banks in the 1980's, barriers between commercial and investment banks dissolving during the Clinton era, the Commodities Futures Modernization Act of 2000, which weakened oversight of complex securities and the Bush era tax cuts that benefited the most wealthy, and the pathways for the wealthy to become "the ruling class" broadened and deepened.

I find it noteworthy that 65% of school-aged kids are going to school hungry, and teachers are now spending on average $25/week of their own money to help feed their students so they can concentrate in class. Reasons for this trend include chaotic households, families that just cannot afford food, and families with no food in the house for breakfast. When I learned about this trend, it seemed more third world country news than what one might expect for kids in the US.
Yet this trend is happening here on our home territory, and perhaps in a kitchen near you.

As kids turn 16, instead of being welcomed for retail sales jobs or supermarket cashier jobs, they struggle to find the kinds of opportunities their parents looked forward to at the same age. Today, immigrants from other countries and older workers who need to work into their retirement years have taken the jobs that were once available to high school students. More and more teens scramble for unpaid internships to gain work experience and valuable credentials for their resume to improve their odds for paid employment in the years ahead.

It is far more common for twentysomethings to still live at home with their parents as they try to stake out an economic foothold in the world. Those who have fled the nest often share apartments with multiple roommates to contain costs. Some young families wonder if they will ever be able to own their own home, once a staple of the "American dream."

How we can regain the power to help change the world for the better is a question well worth pondering both on our own and in communities of like-minded others. It will take gatherings of people face to face to generate the energy for a true uprising and revolt. Watching this happen in the Middle East is very telling. Will Americans be able to rise up together and create a new revolution? Time will tell. But something revolutionary is needed.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

Equality, Vulnerability and Well-Being

2011-01-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

While when many of us heart the word, "vulnerability," we run the other way as quickly as we can, vulnerability is actually a critical human capacity, necessary for connecting to self and others.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, on the very same day, two people in my network sent me links to two very powerful pieces, an article from the New York Times, "Equality, a True Soul Food" by Nicholas Kristof, and a video clip of Brene Brown from the University of Houston presenting on "Wholeheartedness" for TED. While the two pieces seemed unrelated at first, together, they got me thinking deeply about the nature of vulnerability, and how equality and vulnerability relate to well-being.

Few people I know like to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is usually given a bad rap, bringing to mind images of being hurt, taken advantage of, being powerless or unprotected. In "Equality, a True Soul Food," Nicholas Kristoff (New York Times, January 1, 2011), the cost that comes with the vulnerability of being low in the social pecking order is made clear. The kind of vulnerability that comes from not having what you need for physical survival (food, clothing and shelter) or psychic well-being (connection, meaning, inner peace) is an emotionally unsafe and disempowering kind of vulnerability.

Kristof reflects on the "stunning" levels of inequality in America, which "seem profoundly unhealthy for us, and our nation's soul." We live in a time of "polarizing inequality," where the wealthiest one percent of Americans possess a greater collective net worth than the bottom 90 percent. The inequality is not just economic, but soul deep, marked by high rates of violent crime, drug use, teen birthrates and even heart disease.

Kristof refers to a book by British epidemiologists, Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett, The Spirit Level: Why Greatest Equality Makes Societies Stronger. "Gross inequality tears at the human psyche, creating anxiety, distrust, and an array of mental and physical ailments," concludes the authors. Inequality not only makes us vulnerable, but even polarizes vulnerability and invulnerability.

Those who have the bulk of society's resources can become "invulnerable" to the pain, struggles and daily deprivations of those who lack them, as they are both distanced and protected from the raw reality of thsoe who lack what they need. Out of sight is out of mind, and this leads to a dangerous disconnection between human beings living in the same country, but in very different worlds.

The very wealthy live in an alternative universe, flying around in personal jets, living in gated estates with personally selected staff, with easy access to "recreational" drugs, that more disenfranchised people use to self-medicate the pain of hopelessness and powerlessness. By being far removed from those who suffer from long-term unemployment, lack of access to needed resources, and no clear pathway out of their state of struggling for survival, the wealthy can maintain an ultimately false sense of invulnerability.

Wilkinson and Pickett show that those at the bottom of the social pecking order "suffer from a range of pathologies." A long term study of British civil servants found that "messengers, doormen, and others with low status were much more likely to die of heart disease, suicide, and some cancers and had substantially worse overall health." When you are vulnerable due to circumstances beyond your control, and there is no clear pathway to get what you really need, life loses meaning and becomes little more than a struggle.

Why is inequality so harmful? "The Spirit Level suggests that inequality undermines social trust and community life, corrodoing societies as a whole. It also suggests that humans, as social animals, become stressed whewn they find themselves at the bottom of a hierarchy." High stress levels long-term lead to the release of the hormone cortisol, and with it com today's epidemic diseases: heart disease, diabetes, obesity, osteoporosis, anxiety and depression. Kristof notes that "social ailments like violent crime, mutual distrust, self-destructive behaviors and persistent poverty," follow suit.

Inequality creates a state of almost institutionalized disconnection, bringing with it despair, powerlessness, hopelessness, and high levels of cortisol from long-term stress. If we are indeed all interconnected as human beings and as a society, even those who through wealth and social status imagine themselves immune from the struggles of the more common man, will suffer from this tear in our collective fabric. In this sense, by living in a society with polarizing inequality, we will all become more vulnerable as we become more disconnected from ourselves and one another.

Disconnection is damaging to well-being, since in the eyes of social worker and University of Houston researcher Brene Brown, connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives. "The ability to feel connected neurobiologically is why we are here." The effect of disconnection is so strong, Brown found, that when people were asked to talk about love, they talked about heartbreak, and when they were asked to talk about connection, they talked about disconnection.

Disconnection brings with it feelings of shame. Brown defines shame as "the fear of disconnection," meaning, that for any of us, there are things about us, if known or revealed, we fear will make us unworthy of connection. Pressure to be thin, rich, beautiful, or educated with a proper pedigree lead to a lack of feeling worthy for who we are internally and essentially. Our worth becomes externally defined, not internally felt. This decreases our sense of personal power, and places us once again in the uncomfortable experience of vulnerability.

Brown points out, "we live in a vulnerable world." We are NOT always in control, and the way people in the US today deal with vulnerability is to numb it. Brown notes, "we are the most in debt, obese, addicted, medicated adult cohort in US history." Rather than risk rejection, judgment, uncomfortable feelings, bad news or feeling not in control, we numb our uncomfortable vulnerable feelings. As we do so, we deny reality and create a fantasy bubble whic is ultimately destructive.

Brown notes that in addition to numbing vulnerability, people today:

* Try to make everything that is uncertain, certain

* Try to perfect everything, often to our own detriment

* Pretend that what we do does not have an effect on others

All of these behaviors not only disconnect us form ourselves and others, but also can destroy our lives. We cannot selectively numb emotions. If we numb out our fear and sadness, we also numb out our capacity for joy and happiness. If we only embrace the behaviors and qualities in our children that look "perfect," we destroy their humanity and the qualities that make them uniquely who they are.

Numbing and running from vulnerability ultimately endangers us more than revealing who we really are. Vulnerability, while initially frightening, is critical to our sense of connection, and therefore, our well-being. By treating ourselves and others with more love and kindness, we break through the walls of judgment and inequality that polarize us, and create a deeper sense of connection, that can heal us individually and collectively. By being vulnerable, we help create a safer and more equitable world, and restore a sense of dignity and worth to all, just for being human beings living on the earth.

As we improve the emotional and spiritual quality of our lives, we reduce the levels of cortisol in our bodies, increase our sense that life is purposeful, manageable and meaningful, and reduce the need to numb out through substances or processes. We re-create an environment that nourishes the heart and soul.

Kristof opens his article with a quote from John Steinbeck, "a sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ." By embracing our vulnearbility and un-numbing our deeply sad, disconnected souls, let germs be our strongest danger, not one another!

Vulnerability need not be a liability or contributor to lower status. When we can be vulnerable, yet feel emotionally safe, our vulnerability can actually be a source of personal power and contribute to a greater sense of connection with self and others. If we feel safe in our vulnerability, rather than experience vulnerability as excruciating, vulnerability can become a deeply rooted source that moves us to reach out to others, take passionate stands on issues we care about, and even touch the heart of others in a most human way.

This allows us to live in a way Brown describes as "wholehearted." A wholehearted person, according to Brown, can embrace their vulnerability fully, realizing that vulnerability may not be comfortable, but it is necessarym and can even be beautiful. Perhaps it is time to revision vulnerability as a powerful tool to brake the chains of inequality, to allow us to be authentic, and to facilitate the experience of connection with self and others that keeps us healthy, happy and human.

So, perhaps paradoxically, vulnerability can be the "great human equalizer," assuring not only our own well-being but also a healthy social fabric where through our sense of interconnection, we will tend to the well-being of others as well.

Copyright 2011 Linda Marks

Tiger Mothers and Other Approaches to Parenting

2011-01-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

This past month, the Wall Street Journal has managed to run an article each week presenting very different and even extreme approaches to parenting. While perhaps not intentionally envisioned as a "series," this series nonetheless, was kicked off with Amy Chua's article, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" on January 8. Chua proudly states that her two daughters were not allowed to do what we in the Western world consider "normal activities," such as attend a sleepover, have a playdate, or be in a school play. In addition, complaining about not being in a school play, choosing their own extracurricular activities, getting any grade less than an A, or not being the number one student in any subject other than gym or drama is more severely disallowed.

Chua assumes that American parent are wimps, psychological and emotional factors don't exist, and if you don't get what you want from your child, you humiliate them, berate them and shame them into submission. Chua suggests that this is for the child's own good, since children would not be motivated to be successful without such a heavy hand and rude mouth coming from their mothers.

She details vignettes of parenting her own daughters, speaking to them in ways those of us who are psychologically inclined would consider verbally abusive, such as "hey fatty--lose some weight, " or calling a child "garbage, stupid, worthless or a disgrace," and psychologically abusive, such as forcing her 7 year old daughter to practice a piano piece she was struggling with for hours and hours, including working through dinner and not being able to get up for water or to go to the bathroom for days, weeks and months.

While books may portray these "Tiger Mothers" as "scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests," Chua posits that maybe Chinese parents believe they are more committed and caring than Western parents are in regard to their children.

The second article in the "series," appeared on January 16, a sort of rebuttal to the "Tiger Mother" article, entitled, "In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom" by Ayelet Waldman. Waldman identifies herself as a modern day Jewish mother of four, who allowed her children to quit the piano and violin, sleep over at friends' houses and participate in any extracurricular activity they wayted to, with a few narcissistic caveats thrown in.

Waldman was delighted if the child quite their instrument near a recital, so she wouldn't have to be "tortured" listening to other children play, or if the sleepover was on a holiday or night she wanted to go out with her husband to save her the cost of a babysitter. More narcissistic was her insistence that she not have to drive more than 10 minutes to get her kids to any activity or "sit on a field in a folding chair in anything but the balmiest weather for any longer than 60 minutes."

All practicality aside, the thread of narcissism strikes me as just as troubling as the streak of domination expressed by Chua. For the most extreme article on parenting, the January 22 Wall Street Journal presented the case of a Russian-born Christian couple living in Oregon, who were arrested on criminal child abuse charges. When their 14-year-old son escaped to a pay phone to report his beatings (and that of his 6 siblings), to the police, all 7 children, aged newborn to 15, were taken away from the parents, as the parents were sent to jail.

Within their isolated and non-assimilated Slavic Christian community, the brutal beatings of children for wanting to wear Western clothes, trim their hair without permission or wear eye make up were considered "disciplining their children according to Biblical Law." Being whipped, struck and beaten with wires, branches and belts was considered to be an expression of their faith. In the Western world, it is considered child abuse.

All 6 of the older childre, aged 5 - 15, were sick of their parents' abuse and told police they wished to be removed from their home. At times, their beatings were so severe, they could not go to school because of their wounds. Eventually, the infant was removed from the parents' home as well.

While cultural difference do account for differences in parenting styles, too few take into account the actual nature and developmental needs of human children. Religion, narcissism and historical norms do not allow for or even recognize psychological needs. As I studed the reality of family life in early Colonial families in the US, I discovered just how rampant domestic violence was.

Sadly, while those who practice Tiger Mothering or Slavic Christian parenting can rationalize and justify their behavior saying they must shape the child to be "successful" or even "good," their children often have serious mental health issues as teens and adults. The suicide rate for Chinese teenage girls is much higher than for their Western counterparts.

Perhaps the cultural model I find most appealing is that of my Siamese chocolate point kitty, Prayer. When Prayer had her kittens in April 2008, she was a present, attentive, nurturing, loving mother. She knew to stay close to her kittens and keep them warm, fed and safe when they were tiny. She knew to give them more space to stretch their paws and explore as they grew ready to do so. She nursed them gladly until they were ready to start eating solid food. And she carried them in her mouth by the scruff of their necks when she perceived they were in danger. Prayer occasionally "disciplined" her kittens with a growl or a gentle tap of her paw. But she never beat them, humiliated them, rejected them or hurt them. All of her kittens grew up to be well-adjusted, loving cats. Might there be something to learn here for human parents?

Couplehood As A Spiritual Path

2010-12-29T15:14:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, a client gave me a powerful quote that has been posted on the walls of my writer's cave. The paper is yellowed with age, but the message remains fresh, powerful and true:

"To 'listen' another's soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another"

--Douglas Steere, From Gleanings: A Random Harvest

Being listened to, really listened to, is a basic human need. Having a caring listener, who is emotionally invested in hearing how it is to be who we are, and who can share and follow us in our life's journey over time is empowering, healing, validating, and nourishing.

Being able to truly speak and listen from the heart to the heart, allows for much deeper feelings, thoughts and experiences to emerge and be felt and spoken. This kind of listening space is very sacred and provides a kind of relational heart meditation for both the speaker and the listener.

When we are in a relationship that is meant to last the test of time, and provide a structure for companionship and connection over the course of our lives, developing the ability to speak and listen from the heart can allow both the relationship and the two individuals who comprise it to develop emotionally and spiritually. In this sense, couplehood can become a spiritual path, if both members of the couple choose to envision and engage in communication from this special, deeper place.

In an interview published in the Ericksonian Newsletter (Volume 29, No. 3), relationship author Harville Hendrix notes, "When we ask listening partners to quiet their minds and focus on the messages of the partner who is sending, they not only listen more accurately and deeply, but they become more peaceful inside. They refer to this as being more centered similar to what is described by people who meditate."

In EKP couple therapy, when I invite a couple to slow down, get grounded, take some deep breathes, and begin to speak and listen from the heart, I witness a sacred safety and co-holding that allows both people to go much deeper within themselves and express much more deeply with one another. Heart to heart communication not only enhances emotional connection between the partners in the here and now, but also allows a space of healing to develop, in which past hurts, traumas, disappointments and misunderstandings can be released, rectified and processed in the here and now.

Hendrix explains, "When this happens, emotional memories, that have been housed in the amygdala are translated into words and relocated in the hippocampus--thus putting the past in the past. This process integrates alienated and isolated aspects into the self, thus contributing to the recovery of wholeness, which is another aspect of healing that is both spiritual and psychological at the same time."

In this sense, couplehood can be a spiritual path, and as Hendrix reflects, "dialogue is a spiritual practice." If those of us who share our lives with a partner recognize this possibility and develop the skills and awareness to slow down, take time and space and speak and listen from the heart regularly with our partners, the quality of both our lives and relationships can increase tremendously.

There is truly no need for fighting, reacting out of old triggers and "othering" a loved one. If we can only taste the possibility of emotionally safe, grounded, heartfelt relating, our relationships can become more meaningful and less limiting or entrapping.

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Announcing-Sunday-EKP-Body-Psychotherapy-Group-in-January.html?soid=1101463920139&aid=MvQDv9_IuGE

2010-12-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Announcing-Sunday-EKP-Body-Psychotherapy-Group-in-January.html?soid=1101463920139&aid=MvQDv9_IuGE

The Power of Appreciation and Gestures of Goodwill

2010-07-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield became well known for his routine, "I don't get no respect." Perhaps, part of why so many people relate to his message is that we are often unappreciated and underacknowledged for all our good works and efforts, be it the simple actions of daily life or larger projects and undertakings. Too often, we are taken for granted, dismissed or passed over as those around us move on to what is "next."

In this context, one incredibly powerful tool we can all use to empower ourselves and others is appreciation. How do you feel when someone tells you that something you have done has made a difference or impacted them in a positive way? How do you feel when someone recognizes a thoughtful gesture you have made or even acknowledges how good it feels when you have noticed something that really mattered to them?

Appreciating and being appreciated both feel really good. And when we consciously voice appreciation of those around us, we help create a more positive and loving environment. Appreciation can be contagious. If we keep looking for opportunities to appreciate others, in time, they will likely mirror back their appreciation of us.

In addition to telling a loved one, a co-worker, or even the check-out clerk in the grocery store what we appreciate about them, we can consciously give others a "positive stroke," by offering a "gesture of good will."

Gestures of good will come in many forms, from noticing that a friend loves a special kind of cereal, so that when s/he comes to visit, you make sure it is in your cabinet, to choosing to disengage from a stuck position in a disagreement, and acknowledge you really do hear and understand the other's point of view. When we act in a way that shows another person that we understand them, hear them, value them, think about them, and care about them, we give the message that they matter. Being shown that you matter feels awfully good!

Often, it does not take a lot of work to offer a gesture of good will, mostly thoughtfulness and emotional attentiveness. The return on investment of a thoughtful gesture or emotionally attentive action is tremendous. And like appreciations, gestures of good will are mutually empowering for the giver and receiver.

Just as we have daily practices of eating breakfast, going to work, and maybe taking a walk or going to the gym, we can build appreciations and gestures of good will into our daily life. What might it be like if you tried to appreciate a loved one each day? How might you feel if once a week you offered a gesture of good will to someone you cared about or even a stranger? Perhaps this is the spirit of the "commit random acts of kindness" bumper sticker.

In the old days before transponders and the FastLane, it always felt like a special treat when the person in front of me paid for my toll on the Massachusetts Turnpike. Sometimes it even inspired me to do the same for the person behind me! Passing the good energy forward can send a wonderful ripple of healing and connection out into the world!

Alternatives to Violence When Conflict Arises

2010-06-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

My son, Alex, and I had the privilege of participating in a SCORE Teen Mediation Training program conducted by Chandra Banks for students in the Cambridge Public Schools.

On the first day of the training, Chandra made some very powerful points:

1. People often don't think ahead about the consequences of violence, and end up doing needless damage to themselves and/or others.

2. While violence is a human phenomenon, the United States is a very violent place. In the US, people resolve their conflicts with violence. Countries where war is actively underway have fewer people going to the emergency room on a Saturday night than in the US.

3. Homicide has become so prevalent in the United States, that the Center for Disease Control now tracks it. Why? Homicide is considered a "preventable illness."

4. While a lot of attention is being paid to bulllying at school, school is actually the safest place for youth ages 10 - 24. School associated violent deaths account for just 1% of violent deaths for youth in this age group.

What do these messages say about the emotional climate we live in? While conflict is inevitable because of human differences, be they differences in values, experience, beliefs, culture or feelings, why do we need to escalate to the point of hurting one another, often in such deep and traumatic ways?

The lack of emotional and social education received by Americans seems to be at the root of our violent responses to conflict. While we highly prize a well-developed intellect, emotionall illiteracy in this country is very high, even amongst the rich, the educated and the "successful."

When kids are raised in homes where their parents yell at them, judge them, hit them, punish them without just cause, and treat them as "underlings" in a power struggle, how do we develop any capacity for mutual respect, understanding and non-violent conflict resolution skills?

The following are key tools and experiences that can help provide non-violent alternatives to conflict resolution:

1. Creating emotionally safe environments. Emotional safety is critical for understanding the roots of any conflict, including each party's most essential needs. When we don't feel safe, our defenses lead, and our deeper needs may stay protected and far from the conversation. Emotional safety allows us to slowly test the waters, and participate more fully in a collaborative conflict-resolution process.

2. Learning to see more than one side of a story. When we are in a conflict, it is too easy to become polarized, and think we are right and the other is wrong. Every story has more than one side, and until we can look at a conflict from multiple points of view, we are operating with incomplete information.

3. Participating in mediation. Mediation is a voluntary, self-directed, confidential, non-judgmental process that is future-oriented, focusing on solving a problem in a mutually agreeable way. Mediation provides a contained space to work on having parties' needs identified and considered, and a clearly articulated document can be drawn up once an agreement is reached. Mediators hear both sides of a story and help the parties generate a resolution that each can live with.

4. Speaking and listening from the heart. This practice creates emotional safety in any relationship. "While our minds' arguments can divide us, most any problem can be solved through heartfelt communication," says author Jacqueline Small.

5. Finding some common ground with another person, rather than making them an "other." When we "other" another person, we make them separate, distant and disconnected from us. At times, we can forget their humanity. With the anonymity the internet creates, it is easy to feel a distance between ourselves and other people. Finding tangible, meaningful ways that we share common ground can help take down the barrier of "other."

6. Learning to work with anger in a responsible way, rather than "acting out" in anger. When our boundaries are threatened, when people break important agreementsw, when we are treated unkindly or even inhumanely, becoming angry is a natural reaction. What is key, however, is how we manager our anger. If we learn to become more grounded, and have the space inside our hearts and minds to recognize anger, and consciously manage anger energy, our anger can give us the power to take healthy steps forward. If we are unconscious about our feelings, and reactive when angry, we can act out, hurting self and/or other.

7. Having models of healthy conflict resolution. Sadly, many of the models that are most familiar when conflict arises are not healthy and do not resolve conflict in any kind of mutually respectful way. If we act out in anger, leave abruptly, push the conflict underground, or engage in a power struggle, conflict will lead to hurt and defensive behavior. If we learn to recognize conflict as it arises, and develop tools to slow down, manage our energy, emotions and thoughts, choose conscious and constructive behavior, and seek containment from a third-party when needed, we can experience conflict as a breakthrough point, rather than a break down.

Today's "Emotional Education Movement"

2010-06-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

In an "Ideas" section article in the Sunday Boston Globe on April 5, Drake Bennett wrote about "The Other Kind of Smart." Indeed, there is a growing "emotional education movement," suggesting that social and emotional skills need not just be learned by encounters on the streets of life, but can be broken down into skills and concepts that can be taught "in the same way math and critical thinking can be."

There are times I find it almost unthinkable that emotional literacy would be so overlooked or under the radar. Emotional intelligence not only impacts the quality of our relationships and lives, but also our intellectual development. Neurologist Antonio Damasio showed how "people rendered emotionless by brain damage became not more, but less rational in many ways."

While the heart is a very central and important organ in Chinese medicine, the brain has been the "highest power" in both Western medicine and psychology. I find it fascinating that while many other organs are important in Chinese medicine (including the lungs, the liver and the kidneys), the brain is not nearly as central.

The Western bias towards the brain and away from the heart and other body systems, have impacted the very fabric of our lives. How is it we have built a society focusing so singularly on the brain and brain development, overlooking other essential parts of being a human being? And is it a surprise that a culture that has overlooked emotional factors in both individual and collective living is riddled with threats to sustainability and overrun with bullying behaviors from the schoolyard to the boardroom?

Bennett notes that the emotional research field arose in the early 1990's with the work of psychologists John Mayer of UNH and Peter Salovey of Yale. Mayer and Salovey were the folks who brought "emotional intelligency" to light, even suggesting that our ability to process new emotional information and to work with emotionally rich situations contributed to an emotional IQ (EQ).

Daniel Goleman's 1995 best seller, Emotional Intelligence, written for a popular audience, brought the notion of emotional literacy into the public eye. Because we have not valued emotional literacy or emotional experience, the skills needed to be an emotionally healthy human being have neither been articulated nor taught in our educational process.

Is it a surprise that kids behave in primal ways when they feel upset, insecure, unsure of who they are, threatened, angry or ostracized? If we are not given tools, concepts and language to understand our human emotional responses, then we will respond in crude and often less than useful ways. Likewise, when emotions and emotional reality is judged, suppressed, considered to be "weak" and "unmanly" or even "signs of mental illness," it is unsafe to plumb the depths of this rich and essential territory and gain mastery of what it really means to be a human being.

Introspective skills are at least as important as analytical skills. Self-awareness is essential for being able to have empathy and connection with other human beings. Being aware of bodily feelings and sensations and being able to translate them into meaningful terms is fundamental to knowing who we are, what we need and how to communicate our needs to others in the moment and over time. Learning to listen, hear and reflect back what another person is saying is critical for healthy and mutually respectful relationships.

Emotional literacy skills are now being packaged in the framework called "emotional and social knowledge." And because we are becoming more aware of the intensity and insidiousness of the current bullying epidemic, emotional and social knowledge is gaining more visibility as an essential ingredient in solving the bullying problem.

I do believe that emotional illiteracy is at the root of the bullying epidemic, and emotional literacy is at the heart of unraveling the problem and changing the cultural and environmental context in which we think and live. My hope is that the emerging emotional education movement is not seen as a passing fad or a temporary trend, but part of an on-going, evolutionary groundswell, that in time, we recognize as a critical, transformative and positive step forward in human history.

If we can learn to define, articulate, and work with the power of the heart, we can, together, create a more sustainable and liveable society. Hearts can hear heads, but heads cannot always hear hearts. While differences in thought can divide us, most any problem can be solved through committed, respectful and heartfelt communication.

I look forward to the day when instead of doing therapy or personal growth workshops outside the primary chambers of wordly life, I can proudly step into the classroom and the boardroom, as a recognized and valued player helping people tune and enhance their introspective, self-management, empathy and communication skills, the same waythat today I might edit their writing or critique their business plan.

When Society Is A Bully

2010-05-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

Last month, I wrote about the tendency to "blame the victim" in our bullying culture. As I have continued to explore the roots of bullying, I have become more and more aware of how deeply engrained bullying is in the fabric of our society.

Exploring and talking about bullying does not make me popular, and can even make me the target of hostility and bullying-type behavior. For example, I have been told by other people as I have tried to explain what I am doing regarding anti-bullying work:

"When are you going to just stop being such a pain and stop trying to meet with people and just let things be?"

"Bullying has been around since the dawn of humanity. It is human nature and it is never going to change."

"If someone wants to avoid being bullied, they need to make a list of things they are doing that might make them a target, and just stop doing them. If they don't stop, it is their own fault that they are bullied."

"Society expects you to conform and if you don't conform, it is your own fault that you are bullied."

My heart hurts whenever I hear these kinds of statements. Just because something has been around a long, long time, and perhaps, ALWAYS, does not make it right. Just because human beings have bullied one another for a long time, does not mean that we should continue to allow bullying to be a norm in our culture.

There may be ways any individual can take steps to avoid being a target, but sadly, there are too many cases where one can be a target just for being the way one is. And there are parts of our identities that are the core of who we are. What kind of society do we live in if we are told we need to give up the core of who we are if we want to avoid violence? If one is black or gay or smart or tall or short or male or female, is it fair or right to be a target of bullying? If someone is angry or jealous or scared or stressed out, is it fair to inflict their pain and anger on another human being?

And the pressure to conform at all costs is an oppressive and bullying force itself. A huge part of maturing as a human being is to balance have a personally defined and meaningful sense of self with a respect for the social context we live in. Yes, we need to understand social norms and respect them in many circumstances. But, no, not all social norms are healthy (such as the norms of workaholism, living beyond ones means, accruing debt, sexuality teens, eating junk foods and feeling so stressed out one cannot go to the bathroom when one's body calls).

When teachers or parents or kids or community organizations try to confront and address a bullying problem, they are often met with bullying. A parent bullies a teacher for informing them that their child has been hurting other kids at school. "Who are you to be singling out my child?" yells the angry parent. "That other kid is a wimp. I don't see what my child did wrong. I'd do the same thing." "You're a wimp to be standing up for Johnny," chimes in Tommy, who is both Johnny's and the advocate's peer.

These kinds of attitudes push the fundamental problem underground and pass the bullying buck. Bully, bullied and bystander all suffer from our bullying culture. And EVERYONE needs to be engaged, mobilized and collaborate if we are going to build the awareness to take action and create new models to allow for cultural change.

The bullying issue is so polarized right now, that it is very difficult to dig deeper and see the forest from the trees. If a kid behaves badly, they might be expelled from school, but then what happens? Is the kid left to sit at home watching hours of tv or playing hours of video games? Or does the kid then start loitering in the community at large, feeling isolated and bad about him/herself and then start getting into deeper trouble?

If someone is causing trouble, they are part of a troubled system. Kids who belong to gangs do not come from "stable, welcoming, emotionally literate homes." They are not loved and nurtured at home, so they look for belonging on the streets.

At a conference planning meeting I attended today, one of my colleagues made a very interesting point. Once, it was believed that kids who participate in high risk behaviors are more likely to have trouble with school. What's been recognized more recently is that kids who have trouble with school are more likely to engage in high risk behaviors. When we don't belong. When we feel lost and invisible. When we carry deeply buried pain or even contain pain just below the surface, things are not going to be okay.

As I have been working with a team of colleagues to put together a bullying prevention conference scheduled for June 8, we've made a list of key messages we want people to understand about bullying and bullying prevention:

* Bullying is serious; it isn't just a right of passage for young people growing up. (And it doesn't end with youth either. It can continue throughout one's life if not addressed and taken seriously.)

* Bullying has serious consequences for the bully, the bullied and the bystander. No one escapes the tentacles of our bullying society.

* Bystanders are key to fostering a climate of zero tolerance. We can't just stand by and ignore what is happening around us.

* Just because bullying has been around for generations (and perhaps millennia), does not mean: 1. it is or has ever been okay, and 2. it needs to continue to be tolerated.

* Creating environments that hold people accountable to the harmony of community are essential. A great deal of tragedy takes place when this kind of environment is lacking.

* Bullying prevention is part of an overall school climate. It is part of an overall cultural climate as well.

* Bullying is EVERYONE'S problem. It is a systems issue and can only be solved systemically.

* Emotional literacy is at the root of safe relationships, safe schools and safe communities. Sadly, our culture suffers from a low EQ, and few models of emotional literacy are available or visible.

Albert Einstein commented that we can't use the thinking that created a problem to solve it. That is very much the case with the bullying mentality that has been normalized in our society. Until we can integrate heart with head, spirit with intellect and self with other, we are at risk of suffering the painful separation that allows us to stand back from and remain numb to the bullying dynamic that really effects us all.

Each and every one of us can be part of the solution. And if we are going to overcome the bullying society, we all need to work together to find a different path.

Copyright 2010 Linda Marks

Moving Beyond Hurt and Anger: Programming Oneself to Vibrate Healing and Love--Coaching Tips

2010-05-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

The client who asked me how to program herself to vibrate healing and love asked me for some coaching tips.

Here are some I thought to provide:

1. Honor the ways you are angry, what you are angry about, and go deeper to the root of your anger. What are ways you might feel hurt, invisible, or treated unfairly. See what you really need deep down inside and honor that. By both honoring your anger and the deeper roots underneath, you start honoring yourself and vibrating love to yourself.

2. Notice, attend to and honor the sensations you feel in your body. By noticing them, presencing them and attending to them, you bring more self-love to yourself and nurture your heart. If you are hurt, you are literally hearing your heart at a heart level.

3. Focus on the vision of what you really want to create. Write it down. Draw it. Feel how you feel in your body when you think about and envision what you really want. Make a vision journal. Keep notes and read them daily. Review them weekly. Tune them monthly.

4. Make a list of people and places you'd like to vibrate love to. Vibrate love to them consciously and regularly.

5. When you hit obstacles, don't lose the vision. Honor the obstacles. Honor your feelings. Learn the lessons. And keep vibrating love towards the vision.

6. Get support whenever and wherever you need it. You don't have to do it all alone. And getting support is part of self-love.

7. When people do mean, thoughtless things, try not to take it personally, even if it impacts you personally. When people are not fully grounded, they operate in all kinds of ways that aren't right/don't work. Keep your vision on what is right, just and fair.

Moving Beyond Hurt and Anger: Programming Oneself to Vibrate Healing and Love

2010-05-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

This week, a client asked me an interesting question. She was feeling lots of anger, and wondered how I might coach her to program herself to vibrate healing and love. As a software engineer, this idea of "programming oneself to vibrate healing and love," made a lot of sense as a framework for self-work.

Recognizing that human beings are electromagnetic generators, and that the heart is the strongest electromagnetic generator in the body, this task of programming oneself to vibrate healing and love makes a lot of sense. We do emanate what we feel in our hearts and souls. That frequency goes out and can be felt palpably by those within 8 - 10 feet of where we are located, and can be perceived in more subtle ways by those at greater distances.

The more grounded we are in the moment, our hearts and our bodies, the more consciously we can manage our vibration. The safer we feel, and the more embodied we are, the more space we have to breathe, think, feel and generate what we want and care about.

A Boarding House Mentality In A Transient Society

2010-05-14T13:52:00.001-07:00

I have lived in a large Victorian house for nearly 20 years. I bought it as a handyman special, and invested both money and sweat equity into fixing it up into comfortable home over a two year period of time when I first purchased it.

Since the house had been used as a two-family home for many decades prior to my arrival, although built as a single family home in the early 1890's, I decided that for both economic reasons and space sharing reasons, it made sense to have people live on our third floor.

My first housemate moved in 18 years ago, and stayed until he purchased his own condo in a nearby town at the beginning of the year. My other housemate has been here 14 years, and has no plans to leave anytime soon. I guess the early to mid-1990's were a time when people could find a place to live, settle in and stay. And the idea of a 1 year commitment was almost taken for granted. Who WOULDN'T want that?

Having been thrown back into the market to find a new housemate, although greatly altered with 2010 values and norms, I am finding myself getting a whole new education about how people view living spaces and housemate situations. Over the past 4 months, I have tried to use Craig's list to find a housemate, since even a realtor told me that's what she would do if I asked for her to help me.

Craig's list has yielded many applicants, none appropriate! The range has been newly separating men and women who need my therapy services more than space in my home, and whose emotional and life instability would never allow the one-year commitment I am requiring. There have been contractors from other countries, with short-term assignments in Boston, graduate students from the US and abroad seeking 1 - 3 month spaces to live while doing a project, elders who realize they want to live with other people, but don't have the financial resources to pay even the very modest contribution I am requesting for "rent," single parents with one or more children in very financially unstable situations, and people whose job situations would blow your mind.

Only one or two of more than 50 prospects even seemed to remotely qualify for our housemate position. And even then, a job instability or relationship instability intercepted our efforts at talking about their moving in.

Today, a woman called me who has been looking for a housemate for over a year, with no success. She was divorced and wanted to keep her home in my town, and hang on to her furniture and worldly possessions. Sadly, the cost of maintaining her home is beyond her means, and she thought having a housemate would help make ends meet. Now, she is considering BECOMING the housemate in a household like mine.

It seems many people are living with a "boarding house" mentality, wanting a place to plop down or sleep amidst 60 - 80 hour work weeks, short-term assignment and breaking relationships. They would like the amenities of "home," but without the commitment necessary to maintain one.

While I respect how hard the times are, how many people are in dire predicaments, and how much instability many people live with every day, my house is a HOME, and I want to keep it that way.

I will keep searching until I find a nice person who is stable, well-matched and even relieved when I bring up the infamous "one year commitment." But, I truly never expected the journey to have these kinds of twists and turns!

Exploring Intimacy: A New Book by Suzann Robins

2010-04-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

I met my colleague Suzann Robins in two worlds we both travel in: the worlds of body psychotherapy and the world of integrating sexuality and spirituality. It seems fitting that her new book, Exploring Intimacy represents the juxtaposition and integration of these worlds. Suzann also integrates these two more contemporary bodies of work and world views with more traditional schools of thought about psychology, health and human development.

The subtitle of the book is "cultivating healthy relationships through insight and intuition." I might add my own subtitle: "developing an integrated framework to understand the evolution of relationships, energy and connection in today's world."

Suzann does a remarkable job of outlining an evolutionary timeline of the history of thought, the history of medicine and the history of holism, and brings them all up to date with an understanding of energy medicine, emotional intelligence, intuition, gender energy and the spiritual dimensions of intimacy and sexuality.

At the very center of human experience and human relationships is our life energy, a vital force that seeks movement, connection and expression. I love the way Suzann defines emotion or "e-motion," as "the actual energy charge in motion," and also a basic part of a sixth sense, intuition, "and intuitive intelligence that formulates ideas about other people and our reactions to them."

She continues, "Perceptions formed through our sense of intuition relate to our ability to 'read' another person's energy fields, which is different than how a body is positioned in space. We detect location, orientation and movements of the body through the nervous system, especially visually and within the semicircular canals of the inner ear. Reactions to others occurs within the internal systems of the body's mind. Different streams of information combine to send signals to the brain."

The more levels of perception we are consciously aware of, the more completely and subtley we can read other people, express ourselves and relate and connect with them. When we add the less commonly acknowledged lenses of the heart and the kinesthetic felt sense to more commonly acknowledged lenses of visual cues, sounds, and thoughts, we gain a more complete experience of ourselves and others.

When we add the energy dimension to human psychology, we unite an understanding of the body and the mind. When self-actualization expands to include the transpersonal as well as the personal, Maslow's hierarchy of needs can be updated to provide a more comprehensive progression towards an integrated self.

For the past two years, I have taught a class at UMass Boston on how to create mutually empowering relationships. We look at the history and evolution of relationships since the founding of the United States, explore the wide variety of approaches to counseling that have evolved over the past several decades, and in the case of tools from other than Western cultures, longer than that, and try to describe a contemporary model of healthy relationships that incorporates the challenges we face as we grow beyond our past models in climate of constant change.

Suzann's book could be a wonderful textbook for my class, skillfully integrating past and present,
with an eye towards the future, and encouraging us to know ourselves both more broadly and deeply, so we have the space and perspective to more deeply connect with others as well.

This book is fascinating for students and practitioners of psychology, energy medicine and counseling, and provides a template for what it means to be a human being, on ones own and in relationship.

Exploring Intimacy: Cultivating Healthy Relationships through Insight and Intution
by Suzann Panek Robins
Rowman and Littlefield, 2010

Emotional Risk-Taking, Emotional Intelligence and Social Integrity

2010-04-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

My son, Alex, participates in a wonderful community called Boys to Men. The community consists of adult men who recognize the value and even essential contribution of mentoring teenage boys as they transition from boyhood to young adulthood. A key part of the mentoring work includes developing a connection to their sense of integrity, courage, respect, compassion and leadership.

What is very sad is that many adult men have never had the opportunity to spend time with or relate to, in either a short-term or on-going way, with men who can model these very qualities. As a result, they never have the chance to fully develop into integrated men, who have the emotional space to pass the torch on to the next generation of men.

Jeff Kidman, the MA leader of the Boys to Men program made the comment that boys needs to engage in "emotional risk-taking," not just physical risk-taking. Every time a man takes an emotional risk, he grows spiritually and emotionally. And he also models and helps create a climate of emotional safety that empowers boys to take emotional risks as well.

Creating a climate that is safe for emotional risk-taking, that includes emotional support, and accountability for one's commitments, behavior and actions, not only helps individuals develop emotional intelligence, but also helps a group of boys and men develop a sense of social integrity.

Today's society fosters so much isolation and disconnection, we struggle to develop and maintain our personal integrity, never mind create and sustain a sense of social integrity. If we can build emotionally safe spaces that empower boys and men to be real, vulnerable, accountable, responsible and community-minded, we can transform the fabric of society, and remove the space that allows and perpetuates a bullying culture.

Jeff pointed out that kids need something to push against so that they can get internally stronger in their sense of self. Just like going to the gym, where we exercise muscles by lifting weights or running on a treadmill, which help us build fitness and strength, having relationships and social spaces that offer healthy limits, consequences and accountability build emotional fitness and social strength.

Although I am a mom, and the wrong gender to be directly involved in the weekend programs for boys and men or the monthly journeymen group, I can surely offer my behind the scenes support for such a powerful, impactful, valuable and needed program! And I can also offer my appreciation for people like Jeff and his comrades, who are growing this work here in Massachusetts, and elsewhere in the world!

The Roots of Bullying: A "Blaming the Victim" Culture

2010-04-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am having the opportunity to continue to reflect on the roots of bullying in our culture and why it is so widespread today. My 14 year old son, who is a straight A student, emotionally intelligent and literate, with a defined and grounded sense of self, all too often is in the pathway of insecure bullies, who "bully up." One of my friends was shocked to hear that a tall (he's over 6' tall), smart, mature kid would be in the line of fire. I explained that in middle school, when ANYONE sticks out as "not comforming for conformity's sake," they are in the line of fire.

My son was brave enough to go to the principal, along with an ally, his 7th grade history teacher, who is one of the most emotionally intelligent teachers I have ever met. My son presented a well-thought out and respectful picture of what was going on and what needed to be done.

One of the comments my son shared with me that really caught my attention was the principal's response to when my son was being bullied last year when he broke his dominant arm in two places on a school field trip, and brought a pillow in to rest the arm when it was first healing in a heavy cast.

The principal's comment after my son explained the constancy and the intensity of the bullying was, "why didn't you keep telling the teacher this was going on?" My son's point was, "If you keep telling the teacher, you get labelled a 'tattle tale,' and then you get bullied more for that."

My son's advocate asked the principal why there is so much responsibility placed on the bullying "victim," and why the teachers or the system can't be proactive and prevent this activity from happening in the first place, or respond the FIRST time a bullying problem is reported.

I thought the teacher's point was spot on. What it says to me is that there is a lack of EQ not only among the kids, but also amongst those in the administration, charged with holding the space the kids operate and live in during the school day.

Phoebe Prince went to the principal of her school the week before she committed suicide and reported the extent of her experience. She was sent back to class.

WHY do we keep "blaming the victim," rather than recognize that bullying is a systemic problem? It is not just about the kids--be it the bully or the bullied. It is also about the entire environment our kids are living in, which begins at home, and continues at school.

Until we can get to the root of the matter, and stop putting all the responsibility on the kid who is bullied, bullying is only going to become more epidemic.

Changing the World By Living From the Heart

2010-04-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

"When the heart is completely liberated, it's impossible to deliberately harm another being. It's impossible to act acquisitively. It's impossible to take advantage of another being sexually or use your sense world indulgently. It is simply impossible. You can't lie or use speech in a harmful or deceitful way. It's as if the force of spiritual gravity won't allow it. There's nothing there that could cause you to bend the truth. . . Goodness feels good because the attitude resonates with reality. Lying and harming feel bad because they are dissonant with that reality of what we are. It's as simple as that."

-- Achan Amaro

I received this quote in the e-mail, and really liked it. When we are emotionally grounded and live from the heart, we create a very different world than the one we live in today. Our world is so emotionally unsafe, emotionally illiterate, and even emotionally dangerous. These conditions create a struggle for survival, gross inequities in the allocation of resources, and great challenges for any of us who wish to co-create and sustain meaningful relationships with others.

We suffer from a collective heart wound where truth is hard to come by, trust is rarely earned, and sadly, selfish self-interest can dominate when fairness and respect is needed.

The heart has room for difference, for authenticity, for uniqueness, for commonality and most importantly, operates on a foundation of respect.

If we treat others heartfully, acting on the power of the fully liberated heart, we create openings and possibilities that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.

Healing our own hearts, getting to know our own hearts and building heartful principles into the fabric of our lives is a demonstration of social change at work. May more of us join together to support one another in healing our hearts, listening to our hearts and following our hearts--individually and collectively. Together, we can create a more honest, comforting, equitable and sustainable world.

Bullying and The Battle of the Head and the Heart

2010-04-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

When my son was in grammar school, I approached the principal of his school and proposed to teach the staff, the faculty and the students an emotional literacy curriculum free of charge, because the lack of attention to emotional literacy in our school system (and our culture) creates countless problems as children grow older and in the adult world as well.

I was told, "Yes, emotional literacy is a good thing. We just don't have time for something like this." Even in 4th grade, I saw bullying behavior develop, and because kids have no language, modeling or boundaries for "respectful" conflict. If one child wanted to provoke a classmate, saying mean things, poking, punching, hitting or stealing a pencil quickly escalated into all-out, uncontained primal behavior.

In one incident, when several boys were pinching and poking my son, and stealing his pencil, when Alex used "appropriate skills" for drawing boundaries, saying no, and telling the boys to please stop, he might as well have been speaking Serbo-Croatian. "Appropriate skills" only encouraged the boys to pinch harder and move to punching. Alex recognized the only way to stop the bullying was to meet the boys on their own level: the physical. So, he kicked the ringleader in the shin, where the boy already had a wound. It worked. The bullying stopped.

The only problem was that Alex was sent to the principal's office for disciplinary action. This is so typical of what happens in schools. The boys who were bullying, got off "scott free," and the kid who finally fought back got punished. This makes no emotional sense. In fact, it is emotionally illogical.

But somehow, in disciplinary matters, there is an intellectual rhetoric that seems to miss the heart of the matter. If a child who has developed "appropriate conflict management" skills is thrown in with kids who are emotionally illiterate, the conflict operates at the lowest common denominator.

This school, which did not have time for the emotional literacy program I offered to bring was spending countless time on behavioral problems that intellectual rhetoric was never going to solve.

As a child I used to say, "hearts can hear heads, but heads often cannot hear hearts." Heads can be "headstrong" and stubborn and think their point of view is "right" or the only way, ignoring or missing that there are other points of view. Hearts are more open to all the possibilities, and bring a greater sense of equity and fairness to a challenging situation. Rather than "either/or" and "judgment," hearts embrace a "both/and" and "understanding" point of view.

How much could this boys learn if someone would slow them down, and teach them to listen to their bodies and hearts, and ask WHY were they pinching, stealing and punching in the first place? And what might be the cost of this behavior to their relationships with others, and even themselves?

If the boys needed to establish a "pecking order of dominance," might there not be healthier ways to compete and EARN a position of respect? Can one not rise through right action, not just brute force? There is a very different outlook of the head and the heart.

Mind you, there is a time and place for most everything. And rather than being at war, might the head and heart not benefit from playing on the same team? Is it not worth the time we save addressing the growing litany of bullying situations, if we teach our kids emotional literacy skills from the start? Doesn't it take a lot more time helping a kid heal from trauma or recover from pain than to create an environment where trauma and its resultant pain are just not necessary in the first place?

While some adult men might say, "the only way to put a bully in his place is to throw him up against the wall and make him scared," I would counter, "in the short term, the behavior might stop, but in the long-term, does this not perpetuate another generation of bullies?"

How do we teach our children, and one another heartful and heathful ways to manage conflict?
How do we help each other learn that there are as many points of view as people? How do we help each other realize that if we work together and share our resources, we are all better off than by continuing the competition of the dog-eat-dog world?

Until we are able to let the heart have its rightful place at the table, we are all likely to be casualties of the battle of the head and the heart.

Overcoming Sexual Amnesia

2010-03-31T19:29:00.001-07:00

My colleague, and writer's muse, Steven Otero, sent me a very interesting piece reflecting on how children and pubescent teens deal with" youthful sexual feelings and desires" in a sex-negative culture. Sadly, because our culture is neither emotionally safe nor sensually safe, we learn to cut-off, separate from, numb out or never develop our sensual and sexual feelings. We learn to dissociate from our sensual, sexual, emotional and bodily experiences, and seek safe haven in the intellect.

The result is an emotional, sensual and sexual deadness or numbness. In the piece Steven sent me, this "resulting lack of feeling is called sensory-motor amnesia." When it is not safe to have feelings and sensations, we learn to numb our emotional and somatic experience. When kids are taught to feel shame about their bodies, their genitals and their sexuality, it is safer to numb out and disconnect from sensation than to feel shame and fear about these vulnerable and very human parts of ourselves.

When children are sexually abused, to numb out emotionally, sensually and sexually is a common survival mechanism. What is sad is that in most cases of "sexual amnesia," the numbing out or disconnecting process is unconscious and involuntary. If a person has little or no sensation in their genitals or surrounding tissue, they may not even realize something is missing. Their numb or dissociated state is familiar, and gets labelled as "normal."

It is very rare that people find themselves in emotionally, sensually and physically safe environments where they can learn, heal and grow experientially. If a young man or woman has never felt safe, nurturing touch, all the intellectualizing in the world will never communicate what it feels like. If a young man or woman has not been sensually touched with sacredness and respect, this too will be foreign and perhaps, even incomprehensible.

I greatly appreciate the work of the Human Awareness Institute and its workshops on Love, Intimacy and Sexuality, because these workshops provide one of the rare, yet essential environments for safe, respectful and boundaried sensual and sexual education. The workshops provide a permission, modeling and invitation to learn, heal and grow.

If as teens or young adults, we had the opportunity to have an introduction to sensuality and sacred sexuality, in a safe, respectful, boundaried experiential setting, our capacity to relate and express ourselves as whole sensual, sexual human beings would be greatly improved.

Mind-body techniques can be used in pain management. They can also be used for sensory awakening and sensory discovery. I wish these kinds of tools were as available as internet pornography. Perhaps, if both teens and adults of all ages had access to sex-positive tools and experiences, we could provide much healing to our sex-negative, relationally-challenged culture.

Emotional Fitness

2010-03-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, I found myself coining the term "emotional embody building." I go to the gym all the time, and watch people trying to attain physical fitness. Yet, there are no gyms for us to work out in to develop our emotional fitness. Sometimes developing one's physique is actually part of an emotional defense structure, to keep others at a distance. We need to strengthen our hearts in other ways to be emotionally healthy, and to create a relationship between our emotional fitness and our physical fitness.

Emotional fitness includes developing a healthy sense of who we are. Narcissism seems epidemic, sadly, starting with school age kids. My son brings home countless tales of his 8th grade classmates who are so self-absorbed, they have no clue about the impact of their behavior on others. Without some healthy feedback, and relational coaching, these kids will grow into relationally insensitive, self-absorbed adults.

We hear so much of "entitled" twentysomethings, who have carried on their middle school narcissism, without the benefit of emotional contact and mentoring to help them grow into adults who are both self-defined and relationally conscious.

Emotional fitness also includes the ability to see many sides of any conflict or dilemma. If we take the time to ask what it is like to be in another's shoes, we may see that different experiences, different cultures, different values and different understandings inform why this other person acts as s/he does. When we too quickly move into a "blameframe," we are likely to find ourselves in an escalating conflict where hurt and anger build, and ultimately, nobody really wins.

To truly resolve and move through a conflict, we need to create the safety, the space and the compassion, to hear what it's like from both sides. This expands our frame of reference, and allows for workable solutions we might never have imagined. Mutually empowering conflict resolution requires the complete information that comes from supporting two people to articulate and define their deeper needs.

Emotional fitness includes an authentic humility. If we are truly introspective in life, open to honest and respectful feedback, and allow ourselves to learn from our relationships, a natural sense of humility will start to evolve over time. No one knows everything. We all have blindspots. Well-intentioned behavior may still need tuning to connect with another human being. We all make mistakes. Perhaps it is a paradox that the more we are open to constructive coaching, the more humble and relationally competent we become at the same time!

Emotional fitness cultivates a value for mutuality, collaboration and partnership. When we can truly team with another person, the possibilities of what we can create together expand exponentially. When mutuality and partnership are lacking, we too easily end up competing, polarized or in win-lose scenarios. Mutual, collaborative relationships are self-sustaining and energizing. Competitive and polarized relationships deplete life energy from one or both parties.

Emotional fitness is built on a foundation of respect. This includes respect for self, other, the larger context we share, the things within our grasp and the things beyond our control. Respect and humility go together. We do not take others for granted. We allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable to the moment. Yet, by being grounded in our sense of selves, this vulnerability creates an emotional vitality, a heart power, that expands to include others.

As we become more emotionally fit, we build the foundation to really LIVE in our bodies, and appreciate our innate capacities including intuition. A relationship between two emotionally fit individuals is likely to have clearer and cleaner communication, and feel more enlivening to our hearts and minds.

When Life Becomes "Medicalized"

2010-03-24T19:10:00.001-07:00

On March 22, I encountered a really interesting interview in the Boston Globe's G Magazine with Brandeis Sociology professor Peter Conrad, entitled, "What is a 'disease?'

G magazine staff member, Karen Weintraub writes:

"Are you over 50? You must need your cholesterol lowered. Is Johnny having trouble at school? Don't ask about the quality of teaching, put him on medication.....Peter Conrad first looked at this 'medicalization' and its implications for health and society in the 1970's and early 1980's, and saw doctors and groups like Alcoholics Anonymous redefining social problems such as alcoholism and normal events such as childbirth into medical problems. When he examined medicalization more recently, he realized that the drivers had shift to drug and insurance companies and to the patients themselves."

I found myself reflecting on the question of whether medicalization was good, bad or indifferent....and why so many basic human experiences--some problematic and some not--were being defined in medicalized terms.

For example, childbirth is a natural part of the cycle of life. I have watched my cats give birth to kittens both when I was a child and two years ago with our male and female Siamese cats. Prayer, our chocolate point Siamese, managed to make her way through a normal pregnancy without any doctor's appointments, medical tests or monitoring, and through the magic of nature, intuitively knew how to give birth to her kittens, care for them at the time of birth, and encourage them to nurse and stay close in their early hours, so they could begin to thrive.

One of her kittens was born with a birth defect, and started to fail to thrive. I called the vet to ask for help, and she informed me that there was no way to help a two day old kitten other than to try to get the kitten to latch on and nurse or place a drop of water on the kitten's mouth to see if it would take the water in. I tried both of these coaching tips, but the kitten failed to thrive and died. Perhaps this was nature's way of ending a life early when there was a deeper condition underlying the failure to thrive.

Had I not had a complication with this one kitten, Prayer and her young ones would not have needed medical consultation until it was time for the kitten's first shots many weeks later. Prayer's pregnancy and birth did not need to be "medicalized." They could be understood in the continuum of life as a natural, healthy and feline (though also human) experience.

The line between medical support and medicalization is an interesting one. Many human women do have more complications during conception (such as infertility issues), pregnancy and birth. And because both a mother's and baby's lives are at risk, medical monitoring is indeed a safety measure for both mother and child. However, many of the natural instincts that Prayer demonstrated are also available to humans, if only they trust their bodies and the wiring that has been part of them for millennia.

But because we have been raised in a culture of medicalization, we tend to place our trust and our power to the medical establishment and NOT to our internal and intuitive wisdom.

Sadly, many natural experiences--parts of the human continuum of life--have been turned into diseases, rather than seen as natural evolutionary processes. In the article, Conrad notes that menopause is one of them.

All women who live into their 50's (and on rare occasions, 60's), will experience menopause. It is part of the fabric of life, just is menarche. For some women, the perimenopausal passage (the 10 year window from the start of pre-menopause to the cessation of menstrual periods, which is technically, what menopause means) is uneventful and nothing really changes significantly emotionally, physically or relationally. For other women, this passage is difficult and medical issues can arise. However, menopause itself is NOT a disease, but a natural biological process.

Today, the pharmaceutical industry drives medicalization because it is profitable to do so. If you create a drug, you need a market. Peter Kramer wrote, Listening to Prozac, exploring whether people who were not depressed but just wanted to be more extroverted or outgoing, might electively choose to take Prozac, because one of the benefits people reported from using the drug was this kind of personality change. In a world that rewards extroversion and go-getting, and pulls away from introversion and those who are judged "too sensitive," if a little pill can give you a personality makeover, it may give a boost to your career!

Conrad notes that Viagra is another example of how the pharmaceutical industry has pushed medicalization to sell drugs. "Viagra was introduced in (1998) as a drug that could help people with prostate problems and diabetes and other physical problems." But in a culture where eternal virility is as desireable as a fountain of youth, other populations became lucrative targets for the drug. So, old people, and athletes became spokespeople, and suddenly Viagra ad became not only grandpa's little helper, but also "everyman's" magic pill, the star of professional football games' tv ads.

Sometimes people want their conditions medicalized, because they face challenges in their lives and need help coping with society's demands. Conrad notes adult ADHD is a consumer-driven medicalization phenomenon.

When people struggle, they turn to the medical industry for help, not one another. There is no social or community catchment net. Everyone is too busy to bother with their neighbor's struggles. And who feels qualify to understand, never mind help, the complex experiences we suffer from in daily life?

Once upon a time some of the traits of ADHD might have been considered "hunter and gatherer" traits. In a primitive society, the very traits that make it impossible to sit at a desk for 8 - 12 hours, allowed people to do what needed to be done to survive. Is this really a disease or a mirror of how hard it is to adapt our neurology and physiology to a world of rapid change, and customs far different from ones our biological ancestors lived with for centuries if not millennia?

In this sense, medicalization compromises or even loses sight of our basic humanity. And Conrad points out, what to me is perhaps the saddest application of medicalization, it's use as a form of social control. He gives the example of the increasingly common use of psychotropic drugs in nursing homes. Many patients receive these medications not because they are actually psychotic, but because the medications make them easier to "handle."

When "medicalizing" creates tools for care and empowerment, it can be a good thing. But sadly, when money, power and politics are driving forces, "medicalization" can become a form of "dehumanization."

Weight and Eating: When Life Is Hard To Swallow

2010-03-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

When looking at weight and eating, there's lots of information available about the importance of healthy food and exercise. What is less commonly voiced is the role emotional stress plays not only in eating behavior, but also, in weight gain.

Dr. Dean Ornish, a visionary physician who has spread the message that "heart disease can be reversed through comprehensive lifestyle change,"1 notes that to lose weight and maintain weight, we need to work more deeply than with just what we eat and how we behave.

In "Why A High Protein Diet May Make You Fatter" by Kathy Freeston (see 1 below), Ornish notes, "The real epidemic in our country is not only obesity, but also depression, isolation and loneliness. As one patient told me, 'When I feel lonely and depressed, I eat a lot of fat. It fills the void. Fat coats my nerves and numbs the pain.'"

In this sense, we can both overeat when life is hard to swallow. And we can choose unhealthy foods to offer emotional comfort and soothing, since it may not be readily available in other, non-food-based ways.

Ornish points out that emotional stress plays a big role in weight gain, even beyond eating or overeating foods that are high in fat, salt and sugar.

1. Ornish notes that "chronic emotional stress stimulates your brain to release hormones that cause you to gain weight, especially around your belly where it's most harmful and least attractive." Long-term stress (which is sadly, defined as stress lasting 15 minutes or more) causes the body to produce cortisol, which contributes to stress-related eating and weight gain.

2. "Chronic stress also causes stimulation of hormones such as cytokines that promote inflammation." He notes that obesity itself causes a low-grade inflammation, "which in turn, tends to promote more obesity in a vicious cycle."

3. Because chronic emotional stress causes you to gain weight, using stress management tools may be necessary to lose weight and keep it off. So often, we ignore our emotional and spiritual needs, including our need for connection with self, a higher power and others. And when we lack connection, we feel a void. Meditation, mind-body tools and reaching out to others can fill the void with emotional, physical and spiritual nutrients not available in food.

It is important we pay attention to our emotional, spiritual and relational diet when looking at health and weight management. As we nourishing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and relationally, our bodies will response by generating oxytocin, the love or bonding hormone, and we will experience a greater sense of peace and well-being at all levels.

There is a lot of truth that when life is hard to swallow, we might really need a hug, a shoulder to cry on or a hand to food--not a bag of chips!

1 = From "Why A High Protein Diet May Make You Fatter" by Kathy Freston, AlterNet, March 18, 2010

Coherence and Incoherence and the Heart

2010-03-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, as I was leading a workshop on "Keeping A Vital Heart," I was showing the group a picture of the heart rhythms when a person is experiencing Frustration and when a person is experiencing Appreciation.

The difference in the images was very striking: while the amplitude between the high and low points in the "heart waves" was about the same, the patterns of the heart activity were very different. The heart pattern for frustration was very spikey, and irregular. The heart pattern for appreciation was much smoother and more regular.

Is it a surprise that we experience cortical inhibition and chaos when feeling frustrated, and cortical facilitation and coherence when feeling appreciative or appreciated?

The word "coherence" is very important in matters of the heart. Coherence means we experience life as purposeful, manageable and meaningful. The heart thrives on coherence and is stressed when our lives lack coherence.

I began to think about the word "incoherent," which is usually used in relationship to how someone speaks. Someone who is incoherent is hard to understand and may speak in a jarbled, chaotic and confusing style. We feel evoke more comfort in a listener when we speak coherently, and more discomfort when we speak incoherently. Interesting to see the parallel between our thoughts and words and the experience of the heart.

One of the workshop participants made a comment about an article she had read on how multi-tasking makes us stupid. As I reflected on this, it made a lot of sense. Multi-tasking can be chaotic, especially when taken to the extreme. The more chaotic, the more incoherent our thought patterns, actions, and most likely our feelings.

I would love to see the heart rhythm patterns of a person who is frantically multi-tasking as we so often feel pressured to do in our fast-paced world, and a person who is fully present and focusing deeply on one task.

Somehow, I suspect there would be parallels between the frustration and appreciation diagrams. Multi-tasking may make us "stupider" because we become incoherent, lose our grounding and no longer have a sense of what is most important. Multi-tasking surely is stressful, so our bodies generate cortisol, the long-term stress hormone. Focusing deeply on one thing is its own kind of meditation, and may release oxytocin, the love or bonding hormone that counteracts the effects of cortisol.

Perhaps we need to look for ways to be more coherent in all aspects of our life and reduce incoherence as well! This will bring us more focus, inner peace and healthier hearts!

Information on How to Survive An Earthquake

2010-03-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

This is information someone in my community sent to me tonight, and I wanted to pass it on, in case it could help you or anyone you know.

I did not write any of this material. I am just passing it on.

EXTRACT FROM  DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE 'TRIANGLE  OF LIFE'

My name is  Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the
American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most  experienced
rescue team. The information in this article  will save lives in an
earthquake.

I have crawled  inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams
from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several  countries, and I am a
member of many rescue teams from many  countries.

I was the  United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years.  I
have worked at every major disaster in the world since  1985, except for
simultaneous disasters.

The first  building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico  City
during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its  desk. Every child was
crushed to the thickness of their  bones. They could have survived by lying
down next to their  desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I
wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't  at the time know
that the children were told to hide under  something. I am amazed that even
today schools are still  using the "Duck and Cover" instructions- telling
the  children to squat under their desks with their heads bowed  and covered
with their hands. This was the technique used in  the Mexico City school.

Simply stated, when buildings  collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling
upon the  objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space
or void next to them. This space is what I call the  'triangle of life'. The
larger the object, the stronger, the  less it will compact. The less the
object compacts, the  larger the void, the greater the probability that the
person  who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time
you watch collapsed buildings, on television,  count the 'triangles' you see
formed. They are everywhere.  It is the most common shape, you will see, in
a collapsed  building.

TIPS FOR  EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

1) Almost everyone who simply  'ducks and covers' when buildings collapse
ARE CRUSHED TO  DEATH. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are
crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally  curl up in the fetal position. You
should too in an  earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. That
position helps you survive in a smaller void. Get next to an  object, next
to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that  will compress slightly but
leave a void next to  it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of  construction to be in during an
earthquake. Wood is flexible  and moves with the force of the earthquake. If
the wooden  building does collapse, large survival voids are created.  Also,
the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing  weight. Brick buildings
will break into individual bricks.  Bricks will cause many injuries but less
squashed bodies  than concrete slabs. Concrete slab buildings are the most
dangerous during an earthquake.

4) If you are in bed  during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll
off  the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can  achieve a
much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply  by posting a sign on the
back of the door of every room  telling occupants to lie down on the floor,
next to the  bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an  earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting  out
the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the  fetal position next to
a sofa, or large chair.

6)  Almost everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings  collapse is
killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and  the doorjamb falls forward or
backward you will be crushed  by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls
sideways you  will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will
be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have  a different 'moment of frequency
(they swing separately from  the main part of the building). The stairs and
remainder of  the building continuously bump into each other until
structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who  get on stairs
before they fail are chopped up by the stair  treads ? horribly mutilated.
Even if the building doesn't  collapse, stay away from the stairs. The
stairs are a likely  part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs
are  not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later  when
overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be  checked for safety,
even when the rest of the building is  not damaged.


8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of  Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible -
It is much better  to be near the outside of the building rather than the
interior. The farther inside you are from the outside  perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that  your escape route will be
blocked.

9) People inside  of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in
an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly  what happened
with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz  Freeway. The victims of the
San Francisco earthquake all  stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all
killed. They  could have easily survived by getting out and lying in the
fetal position next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would  have survived
if they had been able to get out of their cars  and sit or lie next to them.
All the crushed cars had voids  3 feet high next to them, except for the
cars that had  columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered,  while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and
other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not  compact. Large voids
are found surrounding stacks of paper.

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival  methodology to be correct.
The Turkish Federal Government,  City of Istanbul , University of Istanbul
Case Productions  and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific
test.  We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside.  Ten
mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I  used in my 'triangle
of life' survival method. After the  simulated earthquake collapse we
crawled through the rubble  and entered the building to film and document
the results.

The film, in  which I practiced my survival techniques under directly
observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building  collapse, showed
there would have been zero percent survival  for those doing duck and cover.

There would likely  have been 100 percent survivability for people using my
method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by  millions of
viewers on television in Turkey and the  rest of Europe, and it was seen in
the USA , Canada and  Latin America on the TV program Real TV.

Spread the  word and save someone's life... The entire world is experiencing
natural calamities so be  prepared!

Q

2010-03-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

It just seems counterintuitive that by bullying people and focusing on one's own self-interest at the expense of others, one can achieve long-term success, and even be part of a sustainable society.
Today, sadly, there are too many examples of abuses of power, and societal structures where the bully emerges victorious and dominant. To make matters worse, many "common people," feel powerless to change or improve their circumstances, because those "in power" have made it virtually impossible to organize and do so.

So, it was very inspiring to read an article on Alternet today, written by University of California, Berkeley writer Yasmin Anwar, entitled, "Do Kinder People Have An Evolutionary Advantage." According to research conducted at the University of California, Berkeley, there is "a growing body of evidence to show we are evolving to become more compassionate and collaborative in our quest to survive and thrive."

This just plain makes sense. The people I define as most successful, and in decades prior to our current ones, were even successful in business, were those who displayed nurturing, compassionate and altruistic traits as well as good skills, pragmatism and a timely vision.

I worked at Digital Equipment Corporation from 1978 - 1985, a company whose motto was "do the right thing." That was what attracted me to work for Digital, and until market forces and too many MBA's diluted the entrepreneurial culture of founder Ken Olsen, this was truly practiced, not just preached at all levels: with customers, employees, stockholders, the community and other stakeholders.

My last organizational development project at Digital involved bringing 5 business units housed in the same complex in Merrimack, NH back to life. And by building a collaborative team, we succeeded in doing so in 9 months time. When I left, I gave my team members t-shirts that said "empowered and loving it." Not quite the way most people feel today when they come home from their corporate jobs.

The 1980's just seemed to be a more functional time in our society than the first decade of this century. And perhaps it was because people were more in touch with the empathy in our genes than they are now. Dacher Keltner at UC Berkeley and colleague Sarina Rodrigues of Oregon State University have found that "people with a particular variation of the oxytocin gene receptor are more adept at reading the emotional state of others, and get less stressed out under tense circumstances."

Oxytocin, which is the love or bonding hormone, is secreted by lactating mothers to help bond with their babies, but also can be generated by snuggling, hugging, heartfelt communication, doing yoga or petting your dog. It makes me wonder if we focus more on emotional literacy and try to raise our own EQ's if we will raise the level of "social oxytocin, so to speak, and change the qualities of interactions in our world.

People who take care of others and focus on the greater good, do receive sincere appreciation from those they help. Today's world of self-interest might call the sincere public servant a "chump," but to me, that reflects a cultural heart wound and a generally low EQ.

Perhaps, if parents start modeling altruism, care and service to their children, we can build the foundation for a higher capacity for empathy in the next generation. Without this capacity, those invested in the "dog eat dog" model might destroy our ability to survive.

More Than "Wiggle, Wiggle, Pop": The Inner and Outer Limits of Sexuality

2010-03-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

One of my mentors, Stan Dale, the founder of the Human Awareness Institute (HAI), had a wonderful way of saying that "sex is more than 'wiggle, wiggle, pop.'" He'd focus on how the skin is the largest organ in the body, and sensuality is a whole body experience.

For whatever reason, our culture tends to place sex in a box--a heterosexual, penis-vagina penetrative, "success equals orgasm" box. Yet, sexuality is so much more than that. I always noticed the the letters "s," "e" and "x" in combination seemed like an abbreviation for something more, like "soul energy eXchange" or "spiritual energy eXchange." In sexuality there is the possibility for connection and expression at many levels: emotional, physical, spiritual, soulful and energetic, to name a few.

Our culture often forgets (or never thinks) to link the sexual with the spiritual, and "hard core pornography" with all its raw and graphic detail, makes no reference to the sacred, the intimate or the spiritual. It focuses on arousal, titillation, and "getting people off."

Mind you, the energy release of orgasm is pleasureable, wonderful and even transformational. When shared with a loving partner, it can be deeply bonding. In one's own personal sexual practice it can be a kind of sacred meditation. However, when orgasm, rather than being part of a whole landscape of sexual expression is the "sole goal," we can easily forget all the other dimensions of the sexual, sensual, spiritual landscape.

Touch, both emotionally-rooted and sensual, can be extremely relaxing and nourishing to the body and soul. It can be boxed as "foreplay" or celebrated as a "main course." Hugging, kissing, massaging, spooning, cuddling, placing a still, healing hand on a place of tension or pain, can all enrich the experience of connecting and expressing love and care.

Today, I was reading several blog posts and the Planned Parenthood definition of "outercourse," a term which has been coined in contrast to "intercourse," referring to "non-penetrative sexual contact." The Planned Parenthood website notes that "outercourse means different things to different people." To some, it means sex-play without vaginal intercourse. To others, it means sex-play without ANY penetration: oral, anal or vaginal.

There is a focus, with this term, on birth control, or as one blogger wrote, "abstinence without the sex-negative message." And it is harder to get pregnant without penis-vagina penetration (although if sperm cells are around, one must be careful where they travel). Some STD's are less likely to be transmitted if sexuality is limited to "outercourse."

While these concepts are all useful and interesting. And it's good to see a more sex-positive twist on a very old conversation, "intercourse" and "outercourse" still seem to focus on the box of "wiggle, wiggle, pop."

What if we could expand our language with words like "innerverse" and "outerverse," where when you go deep emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually, you explore the "innerverse," which can be connected with loving, nurturing, sensual touch involving any or all of the body's "outerverse?" Space-like terms almost conjure the mystical and the spiritual.

Somehow, I think we can continue to be creative in evolving a language that is more encompassing all the things that sex is and can be. And in doing so, perhaps we will grow and evolve in our ability to connect and express deeply.

When Anger Becomes A Weapon

2010-03-09T13:38:00.001-08:00

This past Sunday, my son Alex and I were getting out of our car in the driveway. It was mid-day, and the beautiful sunny day was suddenly interrupted by the skidding of tires and the eruption of a man with a loud voice at the intersection near our house.

The man was screaming at the driver in front of him, as they were stopped at a red light. Periodically, people display road rage in the most inappropriate places (is there ever an appropriate place for road rage?), and this was one of those moments. The poor man in the white car in front of this screaming man was trapped between a road rager and a red light. He had nowhere to go until the light changed.

The angry man got out of his car, slammed his door shut and taunted the man in front of him, "I dare you. Put it up. Put it up." The entrapped driver did his best to ignore the raging, fist wielding man behind him, and thanks to good luck, the light changed and he drove away.

Unsatisfied by his first encounter, our road raging protaganist pulled his car over, blocking the car in back of him, and went at him. I could not hear his initial screamings, but could feel the venom and contempt in whatever he uttered. The man in back of him, driving a green truck, yelled back, telling him to "shut up."

This only further inflamed the road rager, and he got out of his car, once again, and said, "I dare you. If you were a REAL man, you'd fight me." He said many other things, which I refrain from printing in this blog, including racist and sexist comments, a fine selection of swears and put downs, and about everything he could drag in to taunt the man behind him to engage in a fist fight. He then got back in his car.

The man in the green truck refused to take the bait, commenting that he would be put back in jail if he gave this man what he was asking for. The road rager chose to take this as fuel to his fire and then started verbally assaulting the man behind him about why he might have been in jail before and how worthless he must be to have ever been in jail. He got out of the car a second time, this time approaching the driver's window with his fists, and I am very impressed at the self-control the green truck's driver exercised in the face of this very direct threat.

Finally, the light turned green again, and the man in the green truck was spared further psychological abuse. The road rager decided he'd had his fill of raging at other drivers, got in his car, turned around awkwardly, and started driving down the street our driveway is on. I walked closer to the edge of the driveway to get a look at this man who felt such a need to verbally assault and taunt other drivers--just because they were there. I was a bit afraid myself, that if he saw I was watching, he might come after me with a vengeance. I tried to be inconspicous, hiding in the shrubs a bit, and he drove by.

All I could say was, "wow!"

Anger is a primal human emotion, and being able to feel and express appropriate anger is very important for defining our boundaries, defending our position when under attack, and having a sense of entitlement to take up space, have a voice or be treated with respect. Rage is different than anger, and most often appears when someone's boundaries have been violated and there is the need to "redraw the line" back, further away from the intruded upon or wounded party.

The image of having a neighbor throw their trash across the fence into your yard, and your politely, yet firmly, taking the trash and returning it to the source, is a healthy expression of anger. Anger need not be violent. Anger need not be cruel. Anger need not involve verbally hurtful statements. Anger can be clean, grounded and contained and deliver its message elegantly and even respectfully.

When anger becomes a weapon, as it was for the road rager at the intersection near my house, the person doing the raging is often taking a deep hurt from past experience and projecting it forth into the present. Sitting on a raging volcano, the slightest provocation unleashes the emotional lava which simmers just under the surface much if not all of the time. The rager does not think about the implications of his/her behavior on his/her target. The rager does not think about the consequences of his/her action. The rager just spews his emotional lava with great intensity, as though purging himself of a hot potato, without making the connection between the source of this anger and the incident in the here and now.

While the road raging man could greatly benefit from therapy, introspection and some anger management tools, I am afraid he is unlikely to encounter them unless he ends up in jail after "going off" on another innocent person at the wrong time. Would the road rager have behaved the same way in front of a police officer? Or is he smart enough to know that then he would likely be held accountable for his conduct and stopped?

Uncontained anger, sadly, is a weapon that is passed on from "victim" to "victim" in an unconscious chain of actions. Pain brings more pain. Victim becomes victimizer. Until one's wounds are held, honored and explored safely in a healing setting, it is very hard to put the "weapon" down.

I hope the road rager one day finds a healing place. But until then, I wouldn't want to be in front of him or in back of him at a traffic light!

The Power of the Heart and Neural Buddhism

2010-03-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

Today, I chaperoned my 14 year old son, Alex's, Coming of Age class on a field trip to the Shambhala Meditation Center in Brookline, MA. In the Coming of Age program, the kids spend a year doing community service, learning about different faiths and belief systems, take a class about relationships, love, intimacy and sexuality, work with a same gender mentor, and write a statement of their own beliefs and values (a credo) for the graduation ceremony at the end of the year. Today's field trip was a journey into Buddhist practice.

In an interesting confluence of events (or what we can call synchronicity), my friend Steven Otero asked me if I had heard of "neurobuddhism." My response was initially, "no," but within a matter of moments, I had googled the term and quickly started getting up to speed about this interesting thread that might be injecting some spirituality into the hard core materialism of brain science.

I was fortunate enough to come across a wonderful essay by NY Times Op-Ed columnist, David Brooks, dated May 13 2008 and entitled, "The Neural Buddhists." One section of the article grabbed my attention. Having been a vocal advocate and educator for the literal power of the heart, since the heart generates the strongest electromagnetic field in the body, and heart waves can entrain brain waves, some of the sentiments of neurobuddhism, as Brooks explained it, seem to speak of properties I associate with "the power of the heart."

Brooks writes, "First, the self is not a fixed entity but a dynamic process of relationships."
In a workshop, a support group or even a business meeting, our heart fields reflect a dance of "the dynamic process of relationships," even without our conscious knowledge that this is actually taking place. In spite of the many way we feel isolated in today's compartmentalized world, when we are to face with others, our hearts are wired to participate in a dynamic relational dance. Even if intellectually, we may feel alone, when gathered in a real-time group, our hearts know we are interconnected and not alone.

"Second," continues Brooks, "underneath the patina of different religions, people around the world have common moral intuitions." Qualities of heart transcend culture, geography and religion. What the heart knows to be true is very basic and human. Loving one another, respecting the natural world and caring for our children are core to our cardiac fiber and our emotional DNA. While religions can get us into political battles, heart-deep values can bridge most any divide.

"Third, people are equipped to experience the sacred, to have moments of elevated experience when the transcend boundaries and overflow with love," adds Brooks. This is the very experience I create in heart-based workshops, be they "healing the traumatized heart," "healing and nurturing the heart," "keeping the vital heart" or even "integrating sexuality and spirituality.
When our heartfields interact, we create a profound, deep and powerful container, where healing is exponential to what we could do just 1-on-1.

When we learn to slow down and focus through the heart (which is its own form of meditation, and perhaps a variation of the Buddhist practice we were guided through today), we are present to ourselves and others, and the moment's experiences and sensations flow through us with ease.
We lose the limitations of our often-busy and ever-thinking mind. We feel the energy of those gathered around us. There is a spiritual richness in the air that we can both breathe in and often touch.

If we proceed to Brooks' fourth point, "God can best be conceived as the nature one experiences at those moments, the unknowable total of all there is," we could say that journeying deep into the heart allows us a sacred, God-full experience, and a sense of interconnection with all that is.
The nature of the heart is pure, spiritual and sacred. The energy of love is universal energy generated and received by the heart.

Often, people have asked me if my work as a heart-centered body psychotherapist wears me out. I have always answered, "No!" Working from a heart space is actually nourishing, enlivening and inspiring. Call it a kind of living meditation-- a relational meditation in the moment and over time. Even when someone's heart space is blocked or inaccessible due to trauma and the anger or wall that often protect the traumatized heart, the act of creating the emotional safety to let the person open and heal, is itself a sacred act.

I would be willing to bet that is a research scientist studied the brain wave patterns that took place between therapist and client doing heart work, they would find some very interesting data that helped bridge the gap between science and spirituality.

Food and Sex Addiction: When "Abstinence" Isn't Really A Healthy Option

2010-03-06T12:59:00.000-08:00

The term "addiction," according to an article a colleague sent me from Alternet, "was originally and properly defined as a physiological dependence on a substance to which the body had grown accustomed, such as alcohol, nicotine, heroin and various other drugs. The cure was to end the dependency and abstain from further use of the substance in order to avoid a recurrence of the physiological dependency."

In the case of substances that we can easily live without, and truly do not "need," abstinence makes a whole lot of sense. Over time, however, the scope of the term "addiction," expanded to include more than drugs and alcohol, to include other substances and processes (including food, sex, money, computer games and internet use), some of which ARE essential for our existence and well-being.

Food, for example, is on the basic level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, along with shelter and clothing. We need to eat to live. And if we don't eat a reasonably healthy, balanced diet, we become ill, and can even die.

Sex, is a basic human need, and a source of connection and expression, as well as reproduction. Without sex, we would become extinct. Without the connection of sexual intimacy, love relationships would lose a major contributor to bonding, mutuality and long-term staying power.

Yet, when our relationships with food or sex become imbalanced, when food or sex become compensations for trauma, emotional wounding or unmet needs at other levels, we can develop behaviors which today are called "eating addictions" or "sex addiction."

Clearly, an unhealthy relationship with food or sex can jeopardize our health and at worst, our lives. However, the "simple" abstinence approach to "beating"the addictive behavior is not really an option. Somehow, we need to connect with, face and heal our wounded places while still relating to the nourishing and healthy parts of food or sex.

In some cases, we've either lost touch with or never developed a healthy relationship with food or sex. For example, do you really know the signs when you are hungry? Do you pay attention to what you eat, when and why? Do you understand sex to be a sacred connection with a loved one? Do you practice safe and conscious, consensual sex? For some people, when they feel a bad feeling, they eat for comfort or to stuff the uncomfortable feeling down. If a person turns to sex because they are angry, bored, feel trapped or have no other outlet for emotional discomfort, they are "using" sex to fill a void rather than connecting with the healthy and more complete experience of sexuality.

In today's world, junk food, fast food and lots of food are easy to come by. Likewise, junk sex, fast sex and lots of sexual imagery are easy to come by. Often, it is just a few key strokes away.
Helping heal from an unhealthy relationship with food or sex does require stopping the unhealthy behavior. But it also requires noticing the uncomfortable feelings the behavior is "self-medicating," and learning to uncover what we really need and how to get it.

There are some parallels, in this sense, with healing from a drug or alcohol addiction. Until we stop engaging with the substance, we don't have the space--either biochemical or emotional--to discover the pain, trauma or difficulty feelings we are "running away from." However, in the case of food or sex, we need to somehow re-establish and new and healthy relationship with these life fundamentals, rather than living a life without food or sex.

In all cases of trying to heal from or overcome an addiction problem, we cannot do it all alone. There is an emotional component. There is a spiritual component. There is a behavioral component. It takes at least one other human being to tell your full truth to--a safe, compassionate human being who will listen deeply and who really understands. And it really does take a village, whether that village is a 12-step program, a support group or some combination of resources that hold you accountable, let you know you are not alone, and give you emotional, practical and spiritual support in a constant, regular way.

It is too bad that we so easily reduce human struggles into one or two-dimensions, when in actuality, they exist in more dimensions. And I find it most sad that so many human beings end up so isolated with their pain, that they turn to a substance or process, rather than another human being for consolation.

Money Management That Supports a Relationship

2010-03-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

When two people decide to become "one," be it living together as "domestic partners" or "marriage partners," a huge issue that needs to be addressed is "how are we going to manage money?"

While the 1950's image of the perfect couple suggests pooling all resources into one common account, in today's world, that image may not be the best infrastructure to support an evolving relationship, unless the two partners have clearly thought through what it means and if it will actually work.

Here are some key questions two people need to address as they build their money management infrastructure together:

1. Does each person have debt and/or assets they bring with them into the partnership?

If the answer is yes, how will pre-existing debt or assets be managed? Very often it is best to begin the relationship's financial tabs at the time of "joining," be it moving in together or getting married. Letting each person be responsible for pre-existing debt, so that their partner does not carry the weight of something they were not part of, creates a better context for goodwill, than letting old debt be heavy baggage for ones partner.

If one person brings in more assets than another, it may feel unfair for these to instantly become "collective property." This is especially true when people join together later in life, having had many years to build a personal foundation. Making a list of each person's resources at the point of joining will allow resources acquired or developed during the tenure of the relationship to be clear.

2. What belongs in a joint account and what might belong in individual accounts?

What if one partner loves to go on shopping sprees and the other considers this frivolous? Or, one partner might love to ski, while the other would rather go to musical events. A healthy relationship allows each partner to continue to pursue personal passions that they have enjoyed prior to the relationship, even if the other partner may not share these passions. The funds to pay for an individual's passions may best come from the money they have earned on their own, not from a collective pooled account.

On the other hand, paying for rent or a mortgage, food and other basic living expenses or even a jointly planned vacation may be a joint endeavor. These kinds of expenses could easily be drawn from a joint account. If there is a difference in income, both partners should closely explore what should be shared 50-50, and what might be shared in a way that takes into consideration the different resources each partner brings.

3. Are spending and saving habits similar or different?

If people have very different styles of spending and saving money, the differences can become points of conflict in a partnership. It is very important for two people to be able to articulate their own styles, and reach a mutual agreement on how saving and spending joint funds will be handled. If this is not defined explicitly, places of difference can become hotbeds for animosity, both in the short-term and long-term.

4. What does each partner need to feel safe, financially?

Feeling safe financially is important for a smooth financial relationship. Do one or both people want to be sure they have a nest egg set aside in case of emergency? If yes, can each person agree how much that is? If not, can the person who needs the nest egg set it aside with the blessing of the person who feels differently?

Do people want some assets in their own name, just to be sure they have something of their own? Or if assets are in both names, would it feel safer to have an agreement outlining how they would be divided in the event that were necessary?

While some of these questions may be hard, better to sort them out upfront than to have to address them in a crisis.

5. Does the couple have any funds that both people contribute to on a regular basis?

Does the couple want to set up a vacation fund? A down-payment on a house fund? A mutual retirement fund? A "children's expenses" (current or future) fund? If the answer is yes to any of these funds or other joint funds, how much money will each person contribute to the fund each month or quarter or year? And will the money come from individual or joint accounts?

Setting up "investment" funds with regular contributions helps work towards long-term goals. And a couple will need to discuss and define their long-term goals in order to know what funds they might want to establish and grow.

6. Does the couple need a "what if it doesn't work" money plan, so that both people feel safe and protected in the relationship?

Much as none of us want what are intended as long-term relationships to end, many relationships do in today's world. Is having a "what if it doesn't work" money plan a way to help increase the likelihood that things will work? Sometimes, that is so. If both people can articulate what they need to feel safe and protected in the event the relationship can't continue, they may feel more able to fully try to make things work.

Too, if the couple does decide to separate down the road, better to have thought about the financial issues before the difficult separate time.

Overall, the more we clarify for ourselves what we need to feel financially safe and the better able we are to communicate with a partner about our needs, the more likely money management will support rather than hinder a healthy relationship.

Orthorexia: When Healthy Eating Goes Over the Edge

2010-03-03T15:19:00.001-08:00

The adage, "everything is moderation" maintains its wisdom these days, even when looking at supposedly "healthy" behavior. While healthy eating is important, if not essential, for cardiac health, vitality and overall well-being, when one becomes obsessively focused on only eating a narrow band of initially "healthy foods," one suffers from a new member of the eating disorder family, "orthorexia."

"Orthorexia," a term coined in 1997 by Colorado physician Steven Bratman, has its origins in two Greek words, orthos, meaning "correct or right" and orexis, meaning "appetite." An orthorexia sufferer may initially have "health-minded" goals in their eating plans, but take these goals to an extreme, to the point their diets are so restricted or severe, malnutrition can result.

I remember, in college, one of my classmates was obsessed with eating carrots and carrot juice. While a healthy food, when eating in mass quantity, carrots turn your skin orange, and can make you sick. My classmate became more and more orange, and started to feel ill. It was an earth-shattering breakthrough for her to discover that you CAN get too much of a "good thing."

Raw food eating can become a breeding ground for orthorexia as well. When taken to the extreme, it can become a kind of anorexia, where the individual becomes emaciated and denies themselves the nutrition they body truly needs in pursuit of a rigid principle.

Likewise, avoiding food preservatives and additives is important in healthy eating, however when one's definition of products that are "pure and healthy" (in contrast to industrial products and processed foods, which can be considered artificial and unhealthy) becomes too extreme, one's health can start to decline.

While the anorexic wants to be thin, and compulsively works to lose weight beyond what is tolerable for one's well-being, the orthorexic wants to feel pure and natural to the point one loses sight with what is actually healthy.

Sadly, eating issues in one generation may translate into eating issues for another generation. A woman I know whose thoughts and habits are at least borderline orthorexic, is the mother of a young teenage daughter who has become anorexic. In some ways, the teenage daughter is in a power struggle for perfection with her mother. Since her mother is so focused on being healthy and pure, the daughter needed to find a trump card. Anorexia became her point of power.

Finding a way to a healthy middle ground is an emotional, spiritual and educational journey in a culture that too easily swings between extremes.

Toxic Bust: Health Risks of Living In Today's Environment

2010-03-01T15:30:00.001-08:00

In November 2008, I was fortunate enough to attend Teresa Heinz Kerry's annual conference on Women, Health and the Environment. This amazing gathering of scientists, journalists, public health officials, therapists, community activists and more was an information haven for how we have been toxifying our planet with the laboratory concoctions that are now standards fare in our food, laundry detergent, body care products, diapers, packaging materials and medications.

According to a synopsis of the film, "Toxic Bust: Chemicals and Breast Cancer," a documentary by Megan Siler, 85,000 chemicals are in use today, of which, 90% have never been tested for their effects on human health. Up to 200 chemicals can be found in the breast milk of nursing mothers.
And a similar number of chemicals can be found in the umbilical cord of a newborn baby.

Many of the chemicals that have been proven to be harmful to human health have been banned in Europe, but are still included in the magical formulas of products manufactured in the US.
As the chemicals we ingest and dispose of find their way into the water system, the earth, and therefore, all of our bodies, we are all basting in an unconscious chemical cocktail, the results of which are creating increasing health problems over time.

The "Toxic Bust" synopsis notes, "Despite advances in breast cancer detection and treatment, breast cancer rates continue to rise. The rate has nearly tripled since 1940. Now, 1 in 7 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. Over 50% of these breast cancer cases cannot be explained by personal risk factors or hereditary causes, and are 'unknown.'"

The extremely toxic chemicals used in high tech industry, such as the chip manufacturing process conducted in Silicon Valley, are associated with an alarmingly high rate of breast cancer and other cancers. It seems like a cruel paradox, that computer manufacturing is called a "clean industry."

Some question whether the radiation a woman receives in her annual mammogram is more likely to help contribute to cancer than detect it. The underwire bras that predominate the women's lingerie marketplace are not good for breast health. Neither are all the chemicals added to women's personal care products--be they skin care, soap or perfume.

There is so much important information to share with people about environmental toxins in our homes, in our workplace and in our community. Yet, this information is largely NOT communicated, because it would be bad for business. More accurately, it would be bad or a large majority of businesses that underpin the American economy.

Sadly, there was no Conference for Women, Health and the Environment in the fall of 2009. Perhaps ironically, or even through the cruelty of fate, Teresa Heinz Kerry had been diagnosed and was being treated for breast cancer in both breasts!

I am in dialogue with the publisher of Spirit of Change magazine about doing an in-depth feature on breast health and breast care from many different angles!

Exercising My Service Muscles Feels Good

2010-02-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

For many decades, I have been a devoted gym goer. Doing my daily cardio is good for my spirit as well as my heart. And all the long-term health benefits of caring for my body are something I treasure as the years pass on. Same with the oxytocin exercise generates.

However, another set of muscles that feel really good to exercise are my service muscles. Doing acts of genuine kindness feels just as good as my workout routine, and giving from a place of love nourishes the emotional heart of both the giver and receiver.

One of the ways I love to nurture is through cooking wonderful, healthy food. Food is just so basic to our existence. And good, healthy food is so fundamental to our health and well-being.

Two members of my greater community have been going through hard times. One friend is recovering from breast cancer and complications of an infection post-surgery. She and her husband were exhausted from the medical parts of life, and since none of us can do everything all the time, I had an inkling that healthy food was a way I could offer support. My friend is diabetic and she and her husband are choosing to eat a modified vegan diet, so healthy food, in this case, is VERY healthy and pure.

I found myself having a wonderful time the afternoon I was preparing all of the features of their menu, from the bean vegetable stew, to the Israeli couscous with baby chickpeas and quinoa, to collard greens sauteed with portabello mushrooms to mixed berry fruit salad, and a mixed vegetable salad to top it off. Pouring love and artistry into what will nourish people I care about is pure joy!

Today was another day I got to exercise my service muscles. A family in my church community who lost their 25 year old son, was welcoming dinner deliveries. And once again, learning that my friend loved beans, with no wheat or sugar in any menu item, I had fun being creative with their menu. A lentil stew with chicken sausage, brown rice, millet and chickpeas with black sesame seeds, roast potatoes with sea salt, pepper, and olive oil, a beautiful mixed salad, bananas and strawberries, and a special bonus tub of 3 bean turkey chili became their custom menu.

I'll be delivering their dinner very shortly, but am basking in the feeling of sharing from the heart.

Life Itself Is a Matter of Timing

2010-02-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

When I was in about 20, I wrote a song called, "Seasons," looking at the waves and forces moving and shaping our lives....including the actual flow of the seasons. One of the lines I wrote in the lyrics was, "life, itself, is a matter of timing," followed by "and our lives ebb and flow."

Today, my son, Alex, and I were part of the community that gathered at a Memorial Service for a 25 year-old young man who died just about a month ago while traveling in Argentina with his best friend. It is sad to lose a loved one at any age, but for his parents, who have been members of the UU church I've attended for the past 13 years, and his younger brother, this kind of loss is beyond devastating. It just isn't supposed to happen this way.

His parents are wonderful people--kind-hearted, service-oriented, authentic, attentive to their two sons. I know his mom best, and she has a heart of gold. I didn't know her son well, but I do remember him as a 12 year old when I joined the church, and I remember when he read his Credo--the personal statements of values and beliefs that each kid reads when they complete the churches' Coming of Age program, which my now 14 year old son is engaged in this year. A piece of Matthew's Credo--a statement about the importance, power and underlying desire for human relationships between all people--was included in the Memorial Service program and the service itself.

Matthew seemed to, on the one hand, have a deep heart, a desire to serve, the ability to build things with his hands and appreciate the natural world, including its human inhabitants, yet on the other hand, be struggling to find a place where he could set his feet down, grow roots and feel a sense of purpose and meaning for his life.

Though clearly loved by many, and surrounded by lots of love, some place deep inside of him must have been horribly dark and lonely. Matthew died at his own hand. He took his life.
Thanks to the information that passes through a loving community, I learned he had hung himself.

And that brought up even deeper sadness for me. Though I was not inside Matthew's heart or mind and have no idea what his personal demons were, when I was 13, I was deeply despairing, felt all alone and in spite being externally known as "the class president" and "the brightest girl in my grammar school," one day when almost no one was around after school, I took hold of one of the long ropes that hung from the school windows, tied it into a noose, and prepared to hang myself.

I was standing on a desk or a chair, so that if I jumped off, I would be suspended by my neck, hanging on the rope. Someone walked in and found me. I was too deeply into my own trance of despair and heartache to remember who it was, a custodian, a teacher or some random staff member of the school. All I know is someone found me and stopped me. And I remained in a catatonic state of shock for a long while afterward, including the shock of the school's reaction to my action: pretending it never happened and that everything would go on as usual, ignoring and moving beyond my act of desperation and pain.

Had I been alone in Argentina, my life could have ended the way Matthew's did, with no one finding me until it was too late. But while someone stopped my actions, no one really FOUND me. I don't know if the school even officially dealt with the reality that a star student was that miserable to have attempted such an unthinkable act. Did they tell my parents? Not that telling them would have done any good. I remember dissociating at a town governance meeting later that year, and telling the adults there that I was not feeling well and to please take me to the hospital. Instead of honoring my wishes, they took me home. That only made things worse.

I was not surrounded by a loving community. I did not have an emotionally safe place to go. Yet nobody saw my despair. Nobody saw my isolation. And my attempts to reach out, to get help....or to even try to end my pain....were ignored, because they "didn't fit" the image of who I was, or at least how I was supposed to be, or what anyone else was equipped to deal with. I guess some dark places are just too hard to see.

Yet, somehow, in spite of the depth of the pain I suffered, and the invisibility of my pain to others, I am still here. And Matthew is not. I do not pretend to know Matthew's inner story, and in every way, it could be completely different from mine, somehow I faced death at my own hand, and managed to live. He faced death at his own hand, and he has died.

As I got older, my suicidal impulses had other expressions, including anorexia at 13, and being externalized in an attempted rape-murder attempt on my life at 16. When my suicidal impulse was externalized, and someone ELSE was trying to kill me, not me, I finally realized that this life and death stuff was serious business and I really WANTED to live. I did have a sense of mission, scary as it was to commit to it, and I did choose my life. And since the time I was lying on my back in the alley with the stranger trying to rape and murder me, I have never wanted to end my life or die.

Yet, I am struck by how much life, itself, IS a matter of timing. A school staff member found me, in time. A car came down the alley as the attempted rapist/murderer was making what I thought would be his final attempt at ending my life, and scared him away. I was anorexic at a time when a major research project was being done on very bright women from critical families that starve themselves, and I was sent to the project leader. Even the fact that women get pregnant every day, and carry children to term and that children grow into adulthood is full of those magical moments where life wins.

I am very grateful that, somehow, in spite of all the pain, trauma and suffering I experienced that made me want to end my life, I managed to, in time, learn that life itself is a gift. I am very sorry that even with all the love around him, the timing swung in such a sad direction in Matthew's darkness hour.

Comfort Zones and Discomfort Zones: A High Touch Person Wrangles With A High Tech World

2010-02-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Today gave me an opportunity to reaffirm my comfort and discomfort zones while pushing my limits of trying to integrate the technological and the human. My comfort zone is what one would call "high touch." I like meeting with people face to face, talking real-time, and building relationships through common experience--be it in my therapy practice or with friends and colleagues. My discomfort zone is what one would call "high tech." I use enough technical tools to survive, but am far struggle when I hit the eventual snaffus that come with constantly changing software updates, browser updates, product updates and the like.

Most of my days allow me to operate within my comfort zones on both the high touch and high tech arenas. Seeing clients, teaching classes at UMass, mentoring apprentices, writing e-mails, writing articles, being my son's mom....all of those avenues are familiar, warm and fuzzy--even on challenging days.

What I find much harder, is figuring out how to meet new colleagues in this internet age and become more visible in circles I have not yet discovered (and who have not yet discovered my work). In the old days, where professional conferences were the highlight of the year, and opportunities for workshops and talks were clearly defined and abundant, it was very clear how to meet new people: present at the conferences, teaching centers and professional associations that people attended to discover work like mine.

Over the years, my favorite conferences have gone away, only some of the teaching centers remain, and people rely on the internet for information far more than on face to face gatherings.
And so, I enter my discomfort zone.

Today, I started out the morning meeting with a new colleague who might enjoy mutual referrals. In order to meet more new colleagues, I bravely chose some categories (such as attorneys who work with divorcing couples, since I can help with the deeper emotional work that might make the divorce process smoother and ultimately, more successful), did some internet research on people who might be fun to meet and might be interested in my skills, and took the risk of reaching out and inviting them to tea.

Of the 20 attorneys I wrote to who work with divorcing couples, only two wrote back. I gladly met with both of these attorneys and discovered delightful human beings who I would be glad to call my colleagues. They each appreciated my reaching out and saw my skill set as complementary to theirs. Today's meeting was with the second of the two attorneys. Two points for the comfort zone.

Then I drove out to Acton to reconnect with a colleague I had not seen since 2008. Comfort zone once again. We each learned of one another's new developments, and I invited her to present to the Boston Area Mind-Body Therapies meetup group that I run, and she clued me in that firefighters are looking for ways to reduce line of duty deaths, a primary cause being cardiovascular disease. Right up my alley! This is why I love face to face meetings!

Basking in the warmth of my comfort zone, I was thrown into the black hole of technological snaffus. I had completed my March 1 e-newsletter on my beloved Constant Contact software that I have used for more than 3 years. But the silly software would not allow me to schedule the publication of my newsletter. And I had tried over and over again for 3 days.

Stepping into my discomfort zone, and recognizing I was totally clueless how to complete the scheduling task, I called the technical support line and presented my dilemma. The technical support staff member was my special angel, immediately diagnosing a problem I would have never figured out in a million years. Within the last few days, Constant Contact updated their software and Mac owners who used Firefox now had to upgrade to Firefox 3.6 for Constant Contact features to fully work.

The technical staff member gently walked me through the process of upgrading my Firefox, disposing of the old Firefox, and then seeing if my stuck places now worked. Voila! Magic! I scheduled my e-newsletter in moments. I finished the homepage on my newsletter archive portion of the account. I posted the archive link on Facebook. I was good to go! One big sigh of relief, and about 90 minutes of time invested.

But, alas, I was quickly pulled back into my discomfort zone, as I discovered my logo was not on this laptop, having been lost when my old computer died just over 2 years ago. I needed my logo in .gif or .jpeg format. And all I had was old-fashioned hard copy! As I tried to upload a photo of my logo onto Vistaprint, I was told the resolution of the image was inadequate for printing. Technosnaffu! Stress!

So, venturing further into my discomfort zone, I found myself dialing the number for the Vistaprint support person, explaining that I had hard copies of my logo, but not electronic copy, and hitting the wall. In today's world, hard copies of images are as useful as the old floppy disks that existed prior to CD's and DVD's. The support person explained that Vistaprint does NOT work with hard copies at all. So, my mission was to find a way to get my logo onto my computer in electronic form of a high enough resolution to meet their standards.

Thank goodness my housemate, Fofana, is technically savvy and was able to help me extract a copy of my logo in .gif format from my Constant Contact image library! He downloaded it onto my computer, and I was in business! Phew! Another 90 minutes of clueless effort, solved with a 5 minute intervention by one in the technoknow!

So, here I am at 11:15 pm on a Friday night, finally getting to make my daily blog entry....something I had planned to do about 5 hours earlier. But had I not had my journey into the world of software updates, the gap between what used to be and what is, what I can figure out and what I'd never ever figure out in a million years....I wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience such a potpourri of moments in both my comfort and discomfort zones!

I trust I will sleep well tonight!

A Revised Definition of Insanity

2010-02-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I was told that the definition of "insanity" was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. For many years, that seemed to make good enough sense, and I could see plenty of real world situations where that definition applied.

In today's world, as our infrastructures break down, I think it is time to redefine what "insanity" is. Now, "insanity" is trying to reconcile a seemingly simple problem using the rational, clear and definited channels made available to you, and expecting to actually reach a resolution.

Here's just one example. My parents are in their 80's. My father is dying of colon cancer and my mother is taking care of him. Many decades ago, my father purchased bearer bonds from the US Government, which have coupons that can be redeemed twice a year, paying interest on the bonds. The interest from the bonds has helped pay for my parents' living expenses since my father retired from his job. And my mother would go into Boston to a bank that could redeem the coupons.

Today, bearer bonds are no longer issued. And many people have never heard of them. However, this is only backstory.

On Saturday, I received a notice from the local bank my parents use with a "bounced check" from the Boston bank who redeem the bond coupons for my mother. I was surprised to see a "bounced check" since I would expect there to be funds in a big bank's account to pay a small coupon redemption fee. The reason for the bounce listed was "refer to maker." I had no clue what this meant.

I had to wait until Monday to call my parent's local bank to inquire what this meant and what to do to get my parents their money. The local bank had no clue what "refer to maker" meant and said I had to call the Boston bank to find out.

I called the Boston bank, and they told me they could not help me, because the check was issued by their corporate office in Minnesota. I called the corporate office in Minnesota, and got a very nice man named Greg, who truly wanted to help reconcile the problem. He did research on why the check might have bounced and could not come up with a reason. There was money in their account. There had been no stop payment issued on the check. He said I needed to speak with the local bank again, and that they could call him to discuss the problem.

I called the local bank again, and spent 45 minutes on successive holds, as the issue was escalated up the customer service center supervisory chain. No one there had the authority to speak with Greg at the other bank. I was told I had to walk into a local office of the local bank and someone there could call Greg and solve the problem.

I went into the local branch of the local bank and met with the branch manager to solve the problem. I spent 40 minutes with her as she escalated the issue through her support chain, and was told they could not figure out the problem and no one had the authority to call Greg. She told me I had to physically bring in the facsimile of the returned check to the originator and get it reissued. I explained it came from Minnesota, and I was NOT going to hand carry the facsimile to Minnesota.

She said I could not redeposit the facsimile because the processing people had made a technical error on the original check and had double printed a set of numbers, so the facsimile would be rejected. I asked her to remove the $10 service fee issued to my parents' account, since they should not have to pay for an error that had nothing to do with them or even the Minnesota bank. I was told this was not possible. There was no procedure to do this.

I pushed back and said this was not fair. Why should 80 somethings have to pay a fee for something that had nothing to do with their actions. She said she would file a claim to try to get the fee removed, but the process was cumbersome and unlikely to bring a positive outcome.

Now, having invested 3 hours of my day trying to solve the problem, in addition to working with clients and checking in with Alex, my son, after school, I called the Boston office of the check issuing bank and told them the dilemma. They reaffirmed they could not do anything and I needed to talk to Greg in Minnesota again.

I reached Greg, and he said this was insane. He said the banking industry is totally dysfunctional, because people are not in jobs long enough to know what is going on or how to solve problems. They receive no training, and get frustrated and turn over, and leave customers in the lurch with serious issues that are not able to be reconciled.

I asked Greg how long he had been in his job, and he said 10 years. He said that was unusual. He said his bank required people who were going to handle customer calls like mine to have 6 weeks of traning before they answered one customer phone call.

Greg instructed me that I could mail in the bounce slip and the facsimile check, but that I had to write a letter and get my mother's signature and state the the local bank had a processing error and we needed to get the check reissued. There were certain conditions that would require a notary to sign and seal her signature and mine. But we were able to define a set of circumstances that would allow me to just bring the letter to my mother and have her sign it and have me send off the paperwork and hope for the best.

Now, 4 1/2 hours of my day into trying to solve this problem on behalf of my parents, I still don't have it solved. And I cannot imagine my 82 year old mother who is trying to care for my 84 year old father who is in the last stages of dying from colon cancer having to go through what I went through today to reconcile a seemingly simple problem.

In fact, I can't imagine my mother even understanding my attempt to explain what happened, what it means and what we need to do to solve the problem. Should an 80 something be subject to this kind of wild goose chase when tending to a dying spouse? Should ANYONE be subject to this kind of wild goose chase?

And how many people would have the tenacity and wherewithall to keep pushing for resolution when one pathway leads to another dead end and it all comes back in a circle to where you started?

How many stories are there like this of people trying to reconcile issues that impact their daily survival--be it with banks, insurance companies, hospitals and other social institutions? And how did we get here?

Somehow, we need to gather together from the bottom up and rebuild models of commerce so that transactions are more grounded, and the complexities of overcompartmentalization and reliance on technology to the point that humans are unable to solve seemingly simple problems can be eliminated.

On the upside, it is much harder to do the same thing over and over again, at all, never mind expect different results. Following a pathway is likely to lead to a random, chaotic or circular trajectory that could probably not be repeated, because different characters will pick up the phone or e-mail as jobs turn over or are handled by multiple people, all sharing the same function.

I will see this through til my parents get their check reissued and successfully deposited into their checking account. But how many more times will this kind of craziness or worse knock at the door?

Perhaps another definition of insanity is "the resulting condition of trying to solve a human scale problem in a chaotic, dysfunctional world."

©2010 Linda Marks

Q

2010-02-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

I have always fallen on the "low tech" and "high touch" ends of the "tech/touch" continuums.
I still write checks to pay my bills. I have log books to record my business transactions, which I joyfully tally at the ends of quarters and years to provide data to my accountant. I cook healthy homemade meals from scratch each day, using pans and even use a food processor to make pesto that is more than 20 years old.

I do have a Blackberry, though I won't text or Twitter. And I have come to find most of my communication taking place via e-mail or Facebook. Even the phone for my therapy practice, a landline I have had for 25 years, rarely rings these days.

On my Facebook page earlier this week, I posted a question about the balance of "real time" contact that face to face meeting or even telephone chatting allows and "virtual" contact courtesy of the many technological options that seem to be the communication superhighways of our times.

The responses were very interesting. One high school friend noted that social networking sites allowed an introvert to be the proverbial fly on the wall, and feel more connected to community than she could or would in a more face to face medium. Another friend celebrated the diversity of communication media now available to us, so we can pick and choose how and when we will communicate. A third friend noted that he often has a hard time fully expressing himself real time, so the solitude and spaciousness of writing his thoughts and feelings on a keyboard allowed him more complete self-expression.

There are elements of connection and communication that our internet tools truly foster and even enhance. Yet, there are other dimensions of being human that just can't be replicated in cyberspace. A loving touch, a hand of reassurance, a comforting hug or even a mutually knowing glance of the eyes cannot be replicated in cyberspace. Human beings and human hearts exchange life energy, and though our words and thoughts are products of this life energy, the actual, physical, multi-dimensional experience of our life energy does not translate viscerally and kinesthetically in cyberspace.

Too, some people learn to abbreviate their thoughts into "text speak" with U for you, R for are and all those clever terms like LOL, so that the art and practice of full self-expression becomes cybercompressed. While, on the upside, one can meet a potential friend or partner in cyberspace, on the downside, relationships can be ended too easily in a keyboard stroke, using the very efficient, but incredibly impersonal medium of the written word. Our EQ somehow seems to diminish as instead of fully working an issue or engaging in "good relationship process," we gather and dispose of one another emotionally quickly and sometimes thoughtlessly as well as heartlessly.

I think we need to be sure to balance an investment in emotional literacy and touch literacy with an investment in technological literacy. If we forget the "real time" experience, life becomes too virtual!